If Anne Frank had had an iPhone, she’d have gotten about four Tweets out before the Nazis would’ve found her.

I thought “Clean Coal” was what Santa gave to White-Collar Naughty Kids.

And the Watchmen Babies movie will be AFTER the “Electric Boogaloo” sequel, right?

I agree it really IS a private matter, but let me be the first to say: Coming Soon from Apple – the iLiver

But carbon footprint analysis is always done sitting down, so it should be “carbon buttprint”.

NC-17? I have ideas that would be rated at least NC-35.

(Contributing to a “Blonde Jokes” challenge… yes, I can be shameless)
Did you hear about the blonde who won a gold medal at the Olympics? She was so proud, she had it bronzed.
What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blond hair? Last year’s Hide and Seek champion.
Why didn’t the blonde make it as a helicopter pilot? When her hair got messed up, she switched off the ceiling fan.
Then there was the blonde who asked Tiger Woods if Golf Balls were as painful as Tennis Elbow…

This is a Test of the Emergency Bacon System. If this had been an actual emergency, you’d be toast, not bacon.

“phishing”, “trolling”… is there any way of Harvesting the Bounties of the Sea that ISN’T a bad thing on the Web?
“-casting” is okay, if you like pods.

Time is NOT on MY side. But then I’ve rarely been allied with the Stones.

I cringe at most Obamerchandise, but love the shirt that reads “Obama-Bama-Bo-Bama Banana-Fana-Fo-Fama Fe-Fi-Fo-Fama OBAMA”. But on an Adult shirt, please. Don’t put your opinions on your kids’ clothing – you will both regret it someday.

Some things I react to the same way Pavlov’s Dog reacted to Schrodinger’s Cat. Or not.

“New housing development called AltaVista.” Nice place – if you can find it. Doesn’t show up on Google Maps.

The saddest thing about not believing in Life After Death? Knowing that those who do won’t even get the chance to be disappointed.

Of course, Canadians call “Canadian Bacon” Back Bacon. Which I guess makes American Cheese what? Front Cheese? Instead of “Freedom Fries”, the Francophobes should’ve allowed the renaming of French Fries “Side Fries”. Nationalist Food is Fun!

If Katie Couric does a newscast in the timeslot that’s usually “New Adventures of Old Christine”, will anyone notice the difference?

On Twitter there is no ‘day’ or ‘night’, just hours when only drunks in America and workers in Asia are Tweeting.

BSG SPOILER: They discover there was a SEVENTH Cylon… but never learn whether it was Pete Best, George Martin or Billy Preston.

We’re all Evolutionists here, because there is NO Intelligent Design on the Web.

Theodore Sturgeon did say that 90% of everything is crap. Although it can also be said that 90% of Theodore Sturgeon is decomposed.

Here’s an easy prediction: after all this “everybody cuts staff by 10%”, in 6-9 months, there will be a flurry of “oops”-based re-hiring.
Easy prediction #2: the minor bounce back in employment will make many “experts” think the worst is over. It won’t be.

In addition to Grande size, I’d like to see a Gandhi size for those of us fasting. (Fast food? That’s an oxymoron)

I prefer pronouncing Route as “root”, as in “The Hollywood Freeway is the Route of All Evil”.

I live just off Highway 101 and sometimes wish I had a big programmable sign to point at the traffic:
“GOING
TO L.A.?
TURN
AROUND”
“YOU
DROPPED
SOME-
THING”
“YOU ARE
IN SLO
COUNTY.
SLO DOWN”
“TOOK
WRONG
TURN AT
ALBQ”

Yes, yes, I know “only Nixon could go to China”… but why the @#$% did he have to come BACK?

My favorite Pun Fight is the Fish Pun Fight, just for the Halibut…
Holy mackerel and may cod save my sole, my puns are roughy trade, turbot-charged with bass boost and can be smelt for miles.
From my lofty perch on Pike’s Peak, I can tell you’re in a real pickeral, feeling a little eel with nothing moray to say.
Don’t let the dory hit your bass on the ray out.
I’m hard albacore and bullheaded enough to carp and sturgeon this until the cowfish come home.
I’m no heart sturgeon, just a clownfish.
And I can be rather shellfish and crabby, so maybe I should clam up before I get scalloped.

New Ad Slogan for Arizona Tourism: “The Home of Second Place Finishers. (McCain, the Cardinals) Make Us the Second Place You Visit”

Some of us barely have paradigms to rub together.

My brain space is invaded so much, I should just put up a toll booth.

Instead of firing Michael Phelps, Kelloggs should have sent him to their more-stoner-friendly Keebler cookie division: “Dude, I see elves!”

If A-Roid breaks Barry Bonds’ home run record, will he get TWO asterisks?

Does it seem inevitable that one of “Octomom’s” umpteen kids will sooner or later be adopted by Angelina Jolie?

I hate people using the phrase “raped my childhood”. Most of the ‘outrages’ they complain of are really no worse than “inapropriately touching my childhood”.

So a/s/l now stands for Angry Southern Leprechaun?

I should add “Community Disorganizer” to my job titles.