Aug 112009
 

The last time I was given business cards at my job was 3 jobs and 20+ years ago, but that was the last job I had where I dealt with anybody who wasn’t an employee of the same company, and THAT was in Accounts Payable where most my contacts involved telling Accounts Receivable people why they wouldn’t be getting paid this week. I suggested adding “writer of quality fantasy fiction” to the card but my boss didn’t go for it.

I had ideas for my cow-orkers…

“Financial Gravedigger: Knows where the bodies are buried”

“No Accounting for Taste”

“Practicing Human Relations from the Outside”

“Accounts Decievable”

“Survived the 60s: Please Speak Slowly”

“Computer Science Is NOT Rocket Science, We Crash Much More Often” and “Mr. Leach (his real name), not related to Robin, not Rich, not Famous, not Blood-Sucking”

I have good memories of those people, especially the Receptionist with whom I had a semi-improper relationship (a long story I will NEVER tell publicly without truth serum)

Aug 102009
 

I used to say that “Life is what you do between technical difficulties.” Now, I believe that my life has become a series of technical difficulties (and I was mostly unaffected by the Big Facebook/Twitter DDoS Because Some Dork in Russia Had a Hissy Fit). Of course, I am now including my health crises among the “technical difficulties”… and every contact with my father, who mixes luddite-ism, clumsiness, denial over his failing eyesight and an extra dose of the common male resistance to reading instructions into a Perfect Storm of technical difficulty.

My all time favorite title of an LP record album (actually, an “EP”, which I really won’t goi into) is The Waitresses’ 1982 release “I Could Rule the World if I Could Only Get the Parts”
ruletheworld
(featuring the title song for “Square Pegs”, just to give it more to love).

Anyway, I want all 7 of you reading this to remember this, as I continue to fine-tune this blog’s theme in the next few days (yeah, I don’t like that crap-brown background that comes up when you add the theme’s semi-opaque thingy to my regular orange background… I’m working on it).

Aug 072009
 

Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but I came back in time for the other 07/08/09 (Euro Edition), at least long enough to say that I’ve noticed the problems some of you were having with my old format, so I’ve installed a new theme NOT of my own creation which I will be tweaking over the net few days, so if it still doesn’t look right, trust me, I’ll make it worse.

Jul 082009
 

(as seen at Monkeyfilter)

Forget about the nuke tests and missile launches. It appears that North Korea has declared CYBERWAR on the U.S.ofA. It’s a good thing that Kim Jung VeryIll’s minions are too undernourished to be competent, or this might be a serious threat.

UPDATE: Oh, Nevermind. (although an unsophisticated attack using old borrowed code does kind of sound like North Korean technology)

Jul 072009
 

I kind of like the fact that there are two common ways to numerically display dates… Month/Day/Year and Day/Month/Year. (And yes, I know the American method is the more moronic of the two, but if you wanted to do it RIGHT, you’d do Year/Month/Day to go with Hour:Minute, but only total geeks and automated systems do that) …so most every ‘cool date’ can be celebrated twice!

Today, for example, in the United States of Moronica, this is the day that answers the classic childhood riddle “Why was Six afraid of Seven?”

The answer, of course, being “Because SEVEN ATE NINE!” And today is 07/08/09.

Of course, in the more civilized parts of the world, many of which are having Civil Wars, Coups and Human Rights Violations right now (while some others are not, I know), I won’t be able to say that until the Seventh of August. Which I will. Which is a good thing because there was something else funny about the date that I wanted to blog about that I can’t recall now that I am at the keyboard.

Obviously, that eleven day layoff has left me out of condition, but if I had written anything here during that time it probably would have been OUCHMYEYEOUCHMYEYEOUCHMYEYE, Or more likely OICJMTETEPUXHNYWYW or something else you’d type when you can’t see the keyboard and never bothered to learn touch typing. A mysterious and badly ouchy eye infection has been a big part of my being for over a week, letting up just after the 4th of July fireworks died down, and hitting me hardest after I had driven to L.A. to visit my aging father and help HIM out in various and sundry ways. Instead, he took care of me as the infection in my right eye inexplicably spread to other random parts of my body (what kind of eye infection causes diarrhea?). I was able to finally get his aging antenna TV working on the allegedly NEW IMPROVED digital system by throwing out the first converter box he bought (with the old reliable GE brand – now GE owns NBC; don’t they WANT people to be able to watch it? Or was it a sneaky trick to drag people to cable and watch MSNBC, USA, SyFy and Bravo?) and replacing it with a box with a brand name neither of us had ever heard of. And so there I was, laying on an inflatable spare-bed in his almost-as-small-as-mine apartment, blocking out all possible light to both eyes as I listened to one of my dad’s inexplicably favorite shows “Regis and Kelly”. Regis was out and Bryant Gumbel was filling in, but I have a personal rule about ALL TV talk show hosts, regardless of political party/race/religion/gender/hometown/social class etc. If one of them EVER says anything I solidly agree with, I have to rethink my own opinion. And on this morning, while chatting about the death of Michael Jackson (chatting about death… THAT’S television), Kelly Ripa and Bryant Gumbel agreed that “Off the Wall” was a better album than “Thriller”, an opinion I shared… up until the moment I realized who I shared it with. To me, that was the absolute low point of my last eleven days. How was yours?

Jun 262009
 

The news about the breakup of reality-TV-made celebrities Jon and Kate was accompanied by notification that their show “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” would be going on hiatus – for one month, returning in August. My personal reaction was WHY?!? and WTF?!? and other things starting with W, but apparently, the serial adopters are under contract for 34 more episodes before the TLC channel will allow them to fade away into much-deserved obscurity. The damage this does to the “everybody will be famous for fifteen minutes” truism is shocking, but it also raises an interesting possibility to me… shouldn’t the show be re-titled after the split?

“Jon vs. Kate With Eight In Between”

(if they split custody) “Jon Plus Four and Kate Plus Four”

(if Kate gets full custody) “Kate Plus Eight Minus Jon”

(or) “Octomom II”

“See? Eight Is MORE Than Enough”

“No, It’s Not Your Fault Times Eight”

“Jon Plus Eight Mistresses” (now casting)

“How I Lost Your Mother”

Jun 252009
 

…thankfully. Still, I was trying to ignore the meme-bomb that was the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, until I was going through my collection of shirts spacewolfshirt(not so much a collection as evidence of a severe addiction that I have recently gotten over cold turkey; I really should apologize to the t-shirt sellerspushers for doing some serious damage to their business model) and I found my Space Wolf shirt. —>

Obviously, some explanation is needed for this. Yes, that is a dead wolf floating in space, because wolves don’t thrive in a near-vacuum any more than you or I would. But more importantly, this is a dead werewolf, as explained in the very short film from which this design is taken:

Thus proving that (1) mixing rocketship sci-fi and fantasy horror usually just doesn’t work and (2) there is a good reason NASA screens out werewolves from its astronaut training program.

So the Three Wolf Moon Shirt phenomenon can go on without me. I was halfway considering a little PhotoSlop with the design, but Amazon.com’s Customer Images included umpteen pics of “famous people wearing the shirt”, many of which were far more badly done than anything I’d ever expose to the web. But then I came upon what seems to be a real photograph of some dork in THE shirt (another thing the Customer Images make perfectly clear is that the shirt does NOT make you awesome) standing next to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer.
3wolfblitzer
And in the proud journalistic tradition of CNN, Wolf appears to have not the foggiest idea what’s going on.

Jun 252009
 

Design geek and brilliant self-promoter Pete Dungey just completed a project where he did a ‘survey’ to find the best-known people named Alan or Allen, and printed the top names on Allen Wrenches (or Alan Keys as they’re called in the UK, I guess). Brilliant! And if you’re a non-UKian who’s wondering who the funny-named #1 is: Ground Force!

And after I posted this to MetaFilter, I started wondering to myself which Alans and Allens would earn wrenches in a USAian survey. Well, I went to the search engines (Google, Yahoo! and Bing) and got the first few people names that came up for Allen and Alan…
wendell-allen-wrench
Considering the recent news and new movie, I wasn’t surprised Woody was the first Allen (other than the names of towns), but Colmes as the top Alan? That was surprising and slightly disturbing. Lily Allen from the UK wrenches came close, and other runners-up were Allen Iverson, Alan Alda, Alan Arkin, Alan Rickman, Alan Thicke, Alan Greenspan, Alanon, Alanis Morissette, Alan Moore and Alan Partridge (#2 in UK).

No sign of Mr. Titchmarsh among the top couple-dozen, I regretted not seeing TV icon Steve Allen, and, no, Alan_Keyes was totally not in contention. Because he never is.

Jun 242009
 

I was working on one of my Databases Of Trivial Stuff (DOTS), figuring out data types and their relationships as apply to Oxymorons or Murphy’s Laws or Tom Swifties and I was talking out loud to myself (which, since I was working alone, nobody would care about, notice or even know of if I didn’t blog about it).

“I need to differentiate between my Research Source and the Original Source.
Call it Origin?
I’d rather use Source, but they can’t both be “Source”…
Source…
Source…
Source?
Of course!
Go right to the source and ask the horse!
He’ll give you the answer that you’ll endorse!
He’s always on a steady course!”

I could have stopped then but I didn’t…
“As long as you don’t try to take it by force!
Or using the code named for Samuel Morse!”

I stopped searching for true rhymes and free-styled…
“Don’t carry it home inside anything porous,
Or sing all the verses and forget the chorus,
Or keep it in back of my ’95 Taurus,
I won’t get anywhere if I ride a slow loris!
She’s so cute I’m gonna name her Cloris!
I could keep it up but it just would get worse
I wonder if it can be found at a bourse
This may be a course that will make you curse
While the Animaniacs say “Hello Nurse!”

It was at this moment that I realized that not only was a total system failure and meltdown of my mental faculties imminent, but it might not be a bad idea.