Is A Part Of
We now return to our regularly scheduled frivolity.
“Interviewing” a Fictional Character. It’s a sub-sub-sub-genre I consider myself an expert in, having done it for two of the most popular pieces I ever wrote for MSNBC.com: The Opus Interview and A Conversation with Deal Or No Deal’s Banker. So I was interested how a writer for TV Guide would handle a Q&A with one of the most outspoken characters on The Simpsons, Jeff Albertson much better known as Comic Book Guy.
In the words of another rotund cartoon critic, “It sucks.” The first thing that was obvious about the piece was that the questions were much longer than the answers. I never thought of CBG as a man of few words, unless he was stringing three-or-four one-word sentences together to make a “Worst. X. Ever” declaration. Also, three of the nine questions led to a self-inflicted fat joke (with a fourth referencing Nachos). Some of the answers were at least partly out of character: I don’t recall him ever saying “Oh baby” before, and Sudoku? So, in the interest of truth, accuracy and an Unamerican Way of practicing journalism, I contacted the “Guy” myself.
Wendell: Comic Book Guy! What’s up?
CBG: My cholesterol, the price of Transformers and Stan Lee’s psychologist bill.
Wendell: Are you still upset about Stan Lee’s cameo appearance at your shop?
CBG: You call it a cameo; I call it the longest weekend of my life. He would not leave until I agreed to find a place for the winner of his “Who Wants to Be a Superhero” show.
Wendell: Really, you have his comic book in your store?
CBG: No, he is working the stockroom on weekends.
Wendell: So what did you think of the TV Guide Q&A?
CBG: Worst.
Me.
Ever.
I mean, where is the sophistication? The wit? The blind rage directed at George Lucas for inflicting us with another revisionist Star Wars DVD?
Wendell: So, Star Wars. Is that still topping your list of hot topics?
CBG: Hot topics? Do I look like Rosie O’Donnell to you? Do not answer that unless you want the Lego Millennium Falcon inserted where the twin suns of Alderaan don’t shine.
Wendell: But really, what’s the biggest thing happening in your world right now?
CBG: Mostly cleaning up the dead carcasses of several hundred snakes and Samuel L. Jackson’s geek cred. It is a tough time for true fans right now. Spiderman has unmasked himself, Stargate was cancelled and the Springfield Quik-E Mart just replaced its second Slushee machine with a “Latte to Go” abomination.
Wendell: But what about that TV Guide article? Do you really play Sudoku?
CBG: No self-respecting fifth-level Dungeonmaster would ever touch any puzzle less than four dimensions deep. And that reference to my brief but moderately earth-shattering affair with Agnes Skinner… There is no such thing as “Fat and Feeble” magazine. If there was, it would be in my rack of unworthy publications, between “Big Beautiful But Boring” and “Womens Wear Badly”. That was ancient history two years ago when I stole the heart and Klingon Ghos ma’lu Kah of the lovely Edna Krabapple.
Wendell: Are you expecting any romance in the near future?
CBG: Well, apparently my name has risen to #5 on “Men Marge’s Non-Lesbian Sister Will Eventually Marry”. So, check back with me around Season 23. In the meantime, I am holding out for a Number Three Cylon… the Lucy Lawless model.
Wendell: About you and Lucy Lawless in that Halloween Episode…
CBG: What kind of reporter are you? Weekly World News or New York Post? Everyone knows that everything that happens on the Halloween shows is NON-canon. Otherwise, Matt Groening and Al Jean would spend all their time doing ret-con. You do know who Al Jean is?
Wendell: Isn’t he the show’s least known Executive Producer?
CBG: Yes, and he recently did a web-based interview in which he said that I was his favorite character. Well, I and Lisa Simpson, but we have all been overlooking that thing he has for young girls since ’94…
Wendell: So, he might make your Cylon dreams come true?
CBG: Unfortunately ’tis not meant to be. Sigh. Battlestar Galactica is an NBC/Universal show and we are Fox. They did offer me Chloe from “24″, but I turned them down. Did you know she never made a copy of the President’s incriminating recording! A real computer geek girl would’ve done three backups and put it on a torrent site in ten minutes. Worst. Day. Ever.
Wendell: So is there anything you can tell us about the upcoming Simpsons Movie?
CBG: Not to be negative, but I have heard they are bringing in George Lucas to punch up the script.
Wendell: Jeff?
CBG: What?
Wendell: Worst.
Rumor.
Ever.
CBG: For that, you are banned from the store for life. Pay for your Twizzlers and leave.
