Is A Part Of
For the longest time, I’ve been intending to make a regular feature on this blog of commenting on things I’ve seen in the Sunday paper (I even came up with the perfect category title for it: See?), but I lately haven’t even been getting around to reading the Sunday paper (or watching a TiVo’d CBS News Sunday Morning) until sometime between Monday and Wednesday. But this week I did, and I found two things I just HAVE TO bring to the attention of the Internet.
First, the comic strip character who gave me my big break on the Web, Opus, has done its second attempt at “toilet humor” (actually, auto-flush toilet humor) in two weeks. Our easily-intimidated penguin pal is still overreacting to the high-tech porcelain throne, but Berkeley Breathed incredibly found a way to make it about something else.
“Let us make the decisions. Trust us.”
“So much scary stuff.”
“Exactly. Sit down.”
Meanwhile, my other favorite part of the Sunday paper, the coupons, have been becoming less so lately. Less coupons overall, but more likely to be for cosmetics for my ex-wife or kibble for my dear departed dog than anything I could use. Plus, a lot more of the glossy pages are coupon-less ads for mail order non-necessities (Three ads for check printers? Who even uses paper checks any more? My March rent check was #209, my April rent check was #212.). But one of these ads grabbed me by throat and popped my widdle head right off – one of those marketers of tacky overpriced figurines has hit an all-time low: The Warriors of Oz.
Since the picture on the webpage doesn’t really do justice to the awfulness of it all, let me describe it: the main protagonists from “The Wizard of Oz” as D&D Fantasy Warriors. (Imagine L. Frank Baum redesigned by E. Baum’s World) The scarecrow isn’t too bad, just red glowing eyes and a bow and arrow. The tin man has been converted to a Terminator-esque evil robot. The no-longer-cowardly lion has gone buff with fangs, claws, a cape and pants that make him look more werewolf-ish than any kind of big cat.
Then there’s Dorothy. I don’t like to use webcliche acronyms but – OMG WTF!!! She’s grown up, she’s got boobs, those boobs are wearing a metal bra, otherwise she’s wearing a highly revealing half-skirt-wrap-thingy and arm thingies with hooks on them (I’m not good on warrior princess terminology). She’s got a sheathed knife on one exposed hip and she’s holding in one hand a long golden staff with a pointy emerald at one end (yep, using an emerald for a weapon) and a silver chain in the other. On one end of the chain is a spiked ball and on the other is Toto – redefined as a demon dog, with glowing red eyes, fangs, wings and a spiked tail. Judy Garland has become a Dominatrix! To quote the Dave, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
I predict that his Ozian blashemy/heresy/awfulry will be greeted by lovers of the original book and/or movie the same way devout Muslims have reacted to damn near everything, with massive violent rioting in the streets. If this isn’t a sign of the Coming Apocalypse, it may be a cause.
I was never one of those kids who got nightmares after watching the Wizard of Oz on TV, but I’m not looking forward to sleeping tonight.
