Nothing to see here. Move along.


Future Man and the Attack of the PhotoSlop

In my web wanderings, I stumbled on this image being stored at “tinypic”
(It’s not tiny so I shrunk it to fit here; if you’re having trouble reading it, the original’s over here)

Personally, I don’t think that Twitter is the most retarded thing of the current era, (I Twitter frequently, and if you miss me here, check me out there) and I can come up with a lot of other things to fill those word balloons with. Here is just one:

There will be more. In the meantime, speaking of Twitter, the anticipation of the Big Deal that will be the premiere of The Watchmen Movie means that we can expect the Twitterverse to soon be filled with chirping about Owls vs. Bats, Giant Squids, Nixon and Dr. Manhattan’s Private Parts. So, I thought up an appropriate graphic accompaniment.


One more thing, as the cringeworthy saga/ad campaign of the Critically Injured Jack Box continues to careen deeper into the realm of really bad taste, may I recommend a little change in the fast food chain’s corporate branding:


Headline Amuse

I have previously mentioned the efforts by Josh Cagan to make Twitter a funnier place by tweeting news headlines matched up with one-liners (All in 140 characters? Impressive!). And recently he has recruited some of his jokier followers (and winners/runners-up of his Punchline Friday competition) to pass the baton (which is even harder than passing a stone) for Guestline Wednesday.

Since Wednesday IS Wendellsday, it was inevitable that I would be tapped (or whacked) for the honor, and this week was it. Despite a dearth of usable stories in the Odd News category, I was able to get into the hot topics (and the previous post was a spin-off of my topicality) and after clearing my throat/mind/spleen by chanting “BlagojovichBlagojovichBlagojovich”, I got into the Funny.

HEADLINE: “Hundreds of TV stations cut off analog signals” Most of which were NBC affiliates who decided “Why bother anymore?”

HEADLINE: “Facebook users protest site grabbing rights to photos and posts” Facebook just sold the movie rights to those protests to Fox.

HEADLINE: “Facebook Backs Down on Privacy Terms Change” …after getting a good look at some of the pictures they now have the rights to.

HEADLINE: “Chimp That Mauled Woman Was on Xanax” I’m sure I heard something about that in the disclaimers in the TV commercial…

HEADLINE: “Burris Admits Soliciting Funds for Blagojovich” But he believed he was in the clear as long as there was no blue dress involved.

(from Josh’s secret news ticker): “Cache of Ice Age Fossils Found in Los Angeles” Apparently attracted to Neil Diamond’s Grammy performance.

HEADLINE: “Los Angeles Nears Water Rationing” HEY! Bring those Ice Age Fossils back!!!

HEADLINE: “Half of Charges Against Pirate Bay Dropped” Now if convicted, they’ll only have to walk half a plank.

HEADLINE: “Sugar-sweetened Pepsi & Mt.Dew coming back under ‘Throwback’ brand” As opposed to their current products known as “Throw-Ups”…

HEADLINE: “New Barbie Doll Based on German Chancellor Angela Merkel” Since she’s a politician, they couldn’t call it an ‘Action Figure’.

HEADLINE: “NY Muslim TV Exec Accused of Beheading Wife” I knew someday those February Sweeps stunts would go too far..

HEADLINE: “Market Crash Leaves CNBC Anchors Speechless” Either that or their teleprompters got repossessed.

HEADLINE: “Arkansas Formally Forbids Non-Believers from Public Office” Because nobody can live in AK very long without NEEDING to pray.

HEADLINE: “Backward green comet makes one-time only visit” It’s probably come to return Perez Hilton to his home planet.

HEADLINE: “Geronimo’s Heirs Sue to Free Apache Chief’s Spirit” And I thought he predated cel phone contracts.

HEADLINE: “Wal-Mart Drops Price on Prepaid MoneyCard” They’re also discounting dollar bills with the picture of Sam Walton on them.

HEADLINE: “Clinton Warns North Korea Over Missile Test” …that it will count 20% toward its final grade.

HEADLINE: “McDonald’s Exec Eyes 500 Stores in China in 3 Years” …requiring Chinese beef industry to expand by at least 3 cows.

HEADLINE: “Westboro Baptist Plans Protest at Flight 3407 Memorial Services” Apparently thought the crashed plane’s “cockpit recorder” was too gay.

HEADLINE: “Watchmen Movie Promo Items Include Blue Condoms” They really know their target audience (1) Male… (2) Unlikely to have girlfriends who’d laugh at something like that (3) Likely to do a PeeWeeHerman during the Watchmen Movie

HEADLINE: “Lance Armstrong’s Custom Bike Stolen at Tour of California Race” What do they think it is, the tour of New Jersey?

HEADLINE: “AG Holder Says US a Nation of Cowards on Racial Matters” prompting everyone in the audience to immediately duck and cover.

HEADLINE: “NY Post Cartoon Seems to Link Obama to Dead Chimp” Imediately criticized by Rush Limbaugh & Anne Coulter for being too subtle.

HEADLINE: “Martial Arts Expert Challenges Chris Brown to Fight” or, at the very least, to record a cover of “Kung Fu Fighting”

HEADLINE: “Gates Foundation Assets Down 20 Percent” Damn, those mosquitos must’ve been expensive!

HEADLINE: “Obama Gets Autographed Shaquille O’Neal Sneaker” Plans to hold cabinet meetings in it.

HEADLINE: “Michael Jackson Auctions Off Bizarre Items” But after recent news, there were no bids for Bubbles the Chimp.

HEADLINE: “Boy marries dog to ward off tiger attacks” I think that was a Saturday Morning cartoon back in the ’60s.

HEADLINE: “Geographers think they know where Bin Laden is” Apparently he was run over by the GoogleMaps StreetLevel car.

HEADLINE: “Study Shows Brains of Lonely People Work Differently” Not surprising, since they have so much more time to actually think.

Goodnight bodyevery! Tip safely and drive your waitress! I’ll be weak all here!


NOT Twitterer’s Digest #2

wondermark todo list I am getting farther and farther behind on completing ‘things’, and a significant number of these ‘things’ are visibly partially-complete, yet based on current observations, these ‘things’ are consistently falling into the dreaded 80/20 category (the last 20% of the job taking 80% of the time/effort). It is a frustrating state to be in (like Ohio), but I try to keep a positive attitude like the Victorian-era slacker in this Wondermark comic by David Malki!(exclamation point his).

I have chosen but not contacted the winner of my Bush Squash Caption Contest, which considering I only got two entries, just doesn’t feel like a top priority. And since the winner (whose winning caption was the Punniest) is Thomas Stewart (if that is your real name, Mister Tank Engine) of Somewhere In The UK, who will receive a gift credit-or-whatever to Amazon for something between $5 and £5 (maybe €5) as soon as I figure out the relationship of to… If the dollar’s value is rising, he shouldn’t mind the delay.

I haven’t even gotten together a new Digest of my recent Twitterings to fill space and entertain my seven-to-eight non-Twitterized readers (who can still see it all at But I did get to thinking about my decision to call it “Twittly Digest” from my original intent to do it Weekly-or-more-often (as opposed to a newsletter I wrote years ago called “Wendell’s Weakly” because it was Weekly-or-LESS-often). Since the word “Digest” is so solidly associated with the old Reader’s Digest magazine (at least among people my age, you dang whippersnappers), I decided it would be better titled “Twitterer’s Digest”, giving me the inspiration to do another one of my ‘parodic logos’.

twitterersdigest-newDid you KNOW that Reader’s Digest has recently changed its logo? Is nothing sacred? It even uses one of those frighteningly sanserif/roundedcorner/web2.0 fonts. Fortunately, there are still good samples of RD’s traditional logo floating around the web.
There. That looks better. I had to include its ‘pegasus’ symbol, but in a probably inadequate effort to avoid full trademark violation, I gave it a little unicorn horn.

Okay, back to work. Seriously. No, I really mean it this time. Well, first a short nap.


Random Acts of Twitterage #Brazillian

I’m currently thankful that I haven’t automatically put my tweets in the blog for two reasons. #1: 75% are personal boring stuff or one side of a mini-conversation. #2: It gives me some content when I’m otherwise at a loss for blahblahblah… So, here we go again, back to July when I twittereported that I had “spent the 40 bucks (for 2 years minimum) to register … my most vain vanity domain name EVAH! It’s like a vanity license plate on the Information Superhighway.”

My proposals for “twitter terminolgy”: “twinkies” “twizzlers” “twists” “twain” “twirl” “twaddle” and of course “twit”. And especially “twerps”: A sub-demographic full of (regretable) opinion leaders.

When someone says Burgess Meredith, you don’t know if they’re talking about Rocky’s Coach, Steinbeck’s George, Batman’s Penguin or the guy with the glasses in Twilight Zone…

Doesn’t sound right: “zefrank is the CREATOR of” But even worse: “somebodyelse is the CREATOR of The Bob Newhart Show”

Maybe I need to catch up with Mobile Devices and such, but a “lost internet” twitter just seems weird to me. Like “Marie just called to say all the phones are out”… “She drove over here to tell me the roads are out”…

Kitchen bugs got into my pantry packages of fettuccine and rotini but not the elbow macaroni. Am I dealing with snobbish insects?

My personal (non-gmail) emailbox was filled with 180 bounce messages: some spamster apparently spoofed my address for messages titled “Nude Angelina Jolie”. And I haven’t even seen Angelina Jolie naked (and I’d remember if it was in person… in a movie scene not so much)

Rodney Dangerfield would’ve RULED on Twitter… “Take My Wife Please!” … way under 140 characters

EPIC MEME apparently started on Twitter. Twitsearch for “EPIC” adds a half dozen new tweets every 30 seconds, most of which are following the meme.
Your Ocean Liner is leaking, so grab a bucket… EPIC BAIL!
Hailstones the size of basketballs? (do I even need to say it?) EPIC HAIL
Why does remembering the EPIC record label make me feel old?
The largest crowd ever at one of Hitler’s speeches: EPIC HEIL! (did I just Godwin this meme?)
And don’t forget the dude with the UFO/cloning cult: EPIC RAEL!
If we can go off-rhyme, Mr. Lovett is an EPIC LYLE!
Not my idea, but one of the best of the meme: “Large intestine: EPIC ENTRAIL.”
Mrs. Roy Rogers: EPIC DALE!
290-car train off the tracks: EPIC DERAIL. (this whole meme is kind of an EPIC DERAIL for twitter)
This meme is overloading twitter, thus making it a self-fulfilling EPIC FAIL WHALE
The beginning of this now-overwhelming “EPIC *AIL” meme: EPOCH FAIL!
I must credit @ladycrumpet for: “Buffy the Vampire Slayer: EPIC IMPALE”
Okay folks, EPIC (Dan) QUAYLE, EPIC (Christian) BALE and EPIC MIKAEL (Gorbachev) have been beaten into submission. Move on.
There are hundreds of twitterers “off our meds” today, and it’s an “EPIC REGALE” (though even I must admit it’s getting “EPIC STALE”)
“EPIC BETRAYAL” for the semi-win.
Best curmudgeonly response from @nostrich” “Yes, I am ‘just homophoning it in’.”
But I don’t want to hear about anybody’s EPIC TRAVAIL right now…
Okay, no more EPIC (Crystal) GAYLE either. Please.
reply to @middleclasstool You, who named your baby “littleclasstool” are complaining about puns? What a DYSPEPTIC WAIL.
Stuttering variation: Losing 2000 photos from memory when your digital camera goes bad: EPIC PIC FAIL.
Now people are suggesting we counter with “EPIC SUCCEED”s… that should be EPIC WIN, like the guy who plays Locke on ‘Lost’: EPIC O’QUINN
Schwartzenneger & Devito: EPIC TWINS. Opposite of extreme Yang: EPIC YIN. Classic comic by Herge: EPIC TINTIN.
Bill O’Reilly: EPIC SPIN. Family reunion where 500 people show up: EPIC KIN. “Ghosts Vol.1-4”: EPIC NIN. 20-digit bank password: EPIC PIN.
or… almost as trigonometrically awesome as an Epic Tangent: EPIC COSIN.
Goes with Awesome Tonic: EPIC GIN. What got humans kicked out of Eden: EPIC SIN.
Apparently @dooce has declared that it should be “FOR THE *IN” instead of “EPIC *IN”, and who am I to argue with an Internet Legend?
But twitsearching for “FOR THE” brings up a lot more false positives than “EPIC”
And Mickey Mouse is “FOR THE MIN”
People who chew Doublemint Gum because of the commercials are “FOR THE TWINS”
The cult followers of a particular Nickelodeon cartoon are “FOR THE ZIM”

My adopted hometown has been named one of the “Best Places You’ve Never Heard Of”. Please don’t tell.

“Cankle” sounds like it should be a snack food… instead, it’s a result of eating snack foods.

I unmade a phone survey guy’s day by telling him while I watch some local TV news almost daily, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the anchors.

The Web is all about Everybody Getting Published and Nobody Getting Paid (which dovetails perfectly with my writing career).

I’m very pro-union for creatives. I had a bad experience with AFTRA (the weak link in the current Hollywood labor disputes) over 30 years ago. When I was a radio ‘sidekick’ at an AFTRA shop, they worked very hard to make sure I was NOT paid as a ‘creative’. So I went looking for radio work in the outskirts, promoting myself as “Los Angeles Radio’s Most Underpaid Personality”.

Has Neil Patrick Harris ever played a character that DIDN’T blog?

I’ve been notified of my latest follower: “porn_website is now following your updates on Twitter” Aw come on, at least try to put in a little effort!

I might trust AMC more doing a “Prisoner” remake than most media entities… first of all, it’s a *6* part miniseries…

Merlin Mann proves that there is a fine line between “Getting Things Done” and “Git Er Done”, by crossing it repeatedly.

I think I know where all the bees from all over the country went. They are ALL hovering around the dumpster behind my apartment.

Stomach cramps happening simultaneously with leg cramps is what I call a Worst Case Scenario.

Potting soil is a lot more than dirt (I worked briefly in Accounts Payable for a company who made it; I know what’s in there an how much the company paid for it).

I can’t say much about the new pr0n version of Portal, except: The Bukakke Is a Lie.

The Killer Twitter App would fetch all the tweets of your followees since you last logged in AND PUT THEM IN FORWARD CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER for a quick scan-thru.


Putting the OXY in MORON

It’s an oddly nostalgic night on Twitter, with wilw (TAFKAWesleyCrusher) seeking and finding old “Night Flight” broadcasts, a self-professed “Linux Geek” out-geeking me on Classic Comedy and helping me find the Goon Show movie spin-off “The Case of the Mukkinese Battle Horn”, and a fast-spreading meme in which Twitterers fessed up to what they were doing “on the internet 10 years ago”.

oxy2k Which was my cue to link back to the only web project I was doing then that has survived (although I’m almost relieved that the others have not): The OXY2K, the Unauthorized Official Millennial Oxymoron List, 2000+ Oxymorons for the Year 2000 and, for a few months, the largest oxymoron list on the Web.

Welcome to a world where disobedience is always civil
the fire is always friendly,
the odds are even
and even the grief is good.

Here you can always act naturally,
be alone together
and enjoy your death benefits.

Here, all the shrimp are jumbo
(and always fresh frozen),
every donut is a Krispy Kreme,
every hamburger a Whopper Junior,
and it’s all so wholesome.

If your truck is a Dodge Ram,
your CD a mini-jumbo
and your software is Microsoft Works, then this is your home.

Of course, all generalizations are false (including this one).


The Cone of FAIL

You would think that with Twitter down for several hours for “database maintenance”, that I would get back to my blog. Actually, a new/old laptop and an obsessive desire to set it up so that I can’t “dis-organize” it are the current culprits. But be pre-warned: I’m working on a long post that may be the most controversial, unpopular and digg-able thing I’ve ever written here.

Until then, here’s something I did with Twitter’s new whale-free Image of FAIL:
cone of fail

And if any of you newer readers (all 7 of you) missed my previous graphic work, “Twitteral Difficulties”…
twitteral difficulties


Addicted to Twitter

I have just reached my 5000th “update” on Twitter. Until about two months ago, I didn’t care much for the place, but then I got into the @ function, the Twitter Reply, which allowed me to make smart-ass responses to other Twitterers, including People I Follow On Twitter Who Are More Famous Than I Am (in the future to be referred to as the PIFOTWAMFTIA). And occasionally I get direct responses (140 characters is more than most of the email responses I’ve received from celebrities). I believe I have interacted more with ‘Professional Journalists’ (dubious as a profession, but a significant class of celebrity) via Twitter in the last few weeks than in my entire life (part of which has been as a Freelance Writer). Still waiting to see a pithy tweet-quote of mine in a genuine Dead Tree (or as Opus called them “Krispy Kleenex”) publication, but it will happen. And when it does, I will fail miserably at capitalizing on it. And life goes on. Oh blah dee.


Wendell Twitters and Burps

The main reason I haven’t been keeping up the blog this last week is that I went in for an overnight “Sleep Study”, returned with a bunch of “electrode glop*” in my hair and, having ended the 8-hour test sleepier than I started, tried to wash out the glop NOT with a normal shower but with a big bowl of warm water and a washcloth on the table next to my bed… right next to the laptop computer I use to blog in bed (yes, I am that disabled/lazy). And of course, most of the water spilled right onto the keyboard of the laptop and the display flashed and went off, never to go on again. I had already altered WordPress’s “update your blog anywhere” features to work best (i.e. only) with that laptop, and Twitter was so much easier to communicate with, even if I was limited to 140 characters at a time, AND YOU CAN SEE RIGHT HERE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I AM NOT LIMITED MY GOD I AM SO WORDY.

One I got the backup laptop able to blog, I wasted a lot of time “fixing” my design to render properly on Internet Explorer 6.0 (the only major browser where the rounded corners do a weird little levitation thing that looks crappy). Actually, it was never successfully “fixed”, and my only message to IE 6.0 users is: UPGRADE YOUR FRAKKING BROWSERS!!! GET INTO THE 21ST CENTURY, YOU EEDIOTS!!! EVEN MICROSOFT HAS A NEWER VERSION!!! ARE YOU AFRAID OF 7??? IS IT BECAUSE 7 ATE NINE???

Anyway, since I have said a few brilliantly funny things on Twitter lately, I will be recycling them in the next few posts (often expanding from the 140 character limit to my usual blather-til-you-drop style). And, of course, document the rest of the “So Disbarred” Twitter Meme, which I am right now regretting I got started with.

So stay tuned, fasten your seat belts, tip your waitress and GET A FRAKKING DECENT BROWSER, MORANS!!!

*that’s a Medical Term


Secondary Twittage

One of the coolest things about Twitter is writing replies to people A LOT more famous than I am (and once every hundred times getting a reply back). I’m talking people like Wil Wheaton who have 16,000 other followers. Especially when they respond strongly positively to something I have since forgotten saying. Woot!
Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.


Twittage Recycled

Life’s too short to follow twitterers who just annoy you. But if I’m the twitterer annoying YOU, we’re all better off when you waste your time. Thanks.

Most tweeted political soundbite: “Jesus was a community organizer. Pontius Pilate was a governor.” First one to make that a bumper sticker’s a millionaire.
But I firmly believe that ANYONE who uses “do-gooder” as an insult is just identifying themself as Evil. Period.
And when Michael Jackson called himself “Bad”… I BELIEVED HIM.

Seeing twittering about French Fries Sandwiches just reminds me of my tragic addiction to Chili Cheese Fries.
Del Taco Deluxe Chili Cheddar Fries: crinkle-cut fries, no-beans chili, shredded cheddar, sour cream, diced tomatoes, diced onions. Nirvana.
Nirvana including total blockage of regular blood flow, that is.

Why do I mix up WPMU with WFMU? Probably the same reason I mix up Biz Stone and Biz Markie. (yes, you need to be very pop-culturally literate and web-culturally literate to understand that)

I love it when a Conservative arguing how the U.S. isn’t so bad slips and indirectly calls Guantanamo a “Gulag”.
“…foreign nationals caught trying to kill us in Afghanistan” should be put in Gulags? You mean soldiers fighting in their homeland?

When I saw the movie “Romancing the Stone” (alone), I picked up on the term “hopeFUL romantic”. Big Mistake.

Does “Book of Biff” have a beefed-up buffer or boffo baffles or barfed-up buffets?
Wendell has waffles, whuffles, wiffle-balls, wharfs and woofs.

(re: media reports of Hurricane Gustav) The wind speed always goes up when it passes through the Associated Press. It’s a ‘hot air’ effect.

Follow me here. But not too closely, I may back up.