"Top 25 Things Twitter Can NOT Do"

2007
Mar
22

Occasionally, Chris Pirillo gets something wrong. (Hard to believe, I know) But the title of his recent blog entry about the Latest Big Thing®?, aka Twitter, was missing one word: it should have said “Top 10 Things Twitter Can NOT Do”

1. Balance the national budget (if Wikipedia hasn’t done it yet, it ain’t gonna happen)
2. Detect the presence of anthrax (Twitter distributes its own deadly spores)
3. Bullseye womprats (service not available on Tatooine)
4. Lower your mortgage payment (wrong spam message: 92% of male Twitterers have reported increased penis size – but no pictures)
5. Find lost pets (nope, but it did locate several cats owned by cast members of “Lost”)
6. Forge a parent?s signature (so far, only doctors’ signatures, but even MySpace can do that)
7. Slice bread (NOTE: rye only) (got it backwards… the rye seeds got caught in the tubes)
8. Debbie (no way, because Debbie missed the SXSW and therefore Doesn’t Do Austin)
9. Set us up the bomb (All YOUR base are belong to Digg)
10. Cure cancer (just the opposite: Twittering apparently causes more tumors in rats than smoking, but probably because the rats tried to eat their devices)

Of course, I have more of the list of things Twitter can NOT do…

11. Laundry

12. The Bossa Nova

13. Hitch a ride on a Vogon Destructor Ship

14. Win the California lottery

15. Win the California primary (I’ve heard John Edwards uses Twitter. He must be warned.)

16. Pass a California smog-check (Twitter is pretty much useless in CA)

17. Make a bowl of chili that won’t give you gas

18. Rollerskate in a buffalo herd

19. Host a TV show about computers that somebody will watch

20. Bite the bullet

21. Walk like an Egyptian

22. Win one for the Gipper

23. Save the Cheerleader and/or the World

24. Anything you can do, better

25. Get you a life

I’m still considering using Twitter myself, but not until I’ve done more than half of the 25 things above. So far, I’ve done numbers 5, 6, 7, 8, 12, 16, 17, 21 and 22 and I’m working on 11 and 18.

1 Comment (so far) about

"Top 25 Things Twitter Can NOT Do"

  1. M.B. Says:

    I’m so far out of it that I had to google Twitter to see what you are talking about.

    Now I still don’t see what is so great…

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