"Trek Wars 14: Kahn of the Sith"


What better way to take a break from being funny myself than by quoting the highlights of somebody else’s “be funny” contest. I may yet enter Jay Lake’s SF Comedy Mashup Contest myself, but so far I have no grand inspirations, besides, commenting on a LiveJournal is a big pain. But if I were judging, my finalists would be:

Cool Silent Runnings -a group of Jamaican androids hijacks a space freighter in hopes to turn it into an interspace bobsled.
– fairmer “cannot take credit for this one”

Pigs in Office Space – Improperly filed TPS reports result in a bureaucratic nightmare for Miss Piggy, who, after a botched hypnotherapy session, goes all “Rodney” King on Starfleet Command.

Me, myself, and I Robot – A man discovers he has two personalities, one being a robot he was bonded with in an emergency operation in his youth. Chaos ensues.

Repo Man from UNCLE -Emilio Estevez is recruited for a shady job that turns out to be working for an undercover spy network that has developed a flying car/time machine.
American Pi – Four friends vow to calculate pi before prom night. “This one time, at math camp…”
Attack of the Fried Green Tomatoes – Through battling mutant vegetables, two women develop a lasting friendship.
Like Water for the Chocolate Factory – Johnny Depp gives attractive young women a tour of his chocolate factory. One of them catches on fire. Not rated.
Into Thin Air Bud – A dog attempts to climb Mount Everest. (Wendell’s Note: It’s already in turnaround at Disney)

Room with a View to a Kill – After spending a summer with James Bond, touring Tuscany on the heels of an evil industrialist, a young English woman must decide if she will still go through with her marriage plans.
q13-exe (speling erers corected)

Inconvenient True Lies – Arnold Schwarzenegger, recently convinced by Al Gore that climate change is real, and it’s human-caused, goes after those humans with a vengeance. Hits a low point when Maria Shriver is forced to do a strip-tease.

A Series of Unfortunate Event Horizons – A trio of orphaned kids must investigate the starship where their parents disappeared years ago into a black hole. But things in the ship are not as they seem and the search for truth hazards dangerous accidents andreveals ghastly visions. Jim Carrey plays the monster.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy Quest – Dent Arthur Dent discovers that all of his adventures were scripted episodes from an old TV show, the Heart of Gold is actually a 14″ plastic model lit with Christmas lights, the Vogons are just big lumps of latex with Warwick Davis pulling levers inside, and Alan Rickman actually went insane holding up both ends of a conversation between Dr. Lazarus and Marvin the Paranoid Android.
Del Kytlar

1984: A Space Odyssey – HAL-9000 finds out that Room 101 is full of stars.
Halo Dolly – A bionic Carol Channing kicks the arse of cloned sheep in the most striking FPS game of the decade.
Beverly Hills THX 1138 – In a world where everyone is the same, Tori Spelling still can’t act.
The Island of Dr. Strangelove or How I learned to stop worrying and love the mutants – Peter Sellers plays all roles.
The Wealth of Alien Nations – A quarter million beings crash near Los Angeles and teach us about the Free Market.
Steppenwolfen – A man contemplates the importance of his role within his community by day, and devours his community by night.
Canterbury Tales from the Crypt – 12 stories of moral ambiguity, with foreword and afterword delivered by Geoffrey Chaucer himself.
The Last Starfighter of the Mohicans – A mid-west boy discovers that the skills he’s developed playing video games qualify him to be a Native American.
Who Killed Roger and Me – Cartoon romp through the economic collapse of a working-class community.
Dawn of the Dead Man Walking – A pro-life nun tries to bring comfort to an army of the un-dead prior to their execution.
Office Space: 1999 – Frustrated by the banality of their daily lives, the crew of Moon Base Alpha destroy office equipment and plot to defraud their organization of vast amounts of money. They have guns shaped like staplers.

Gravity’s Rainbow Connection – When Kermit and Piggy stray beyond the bounds of their G-rated puppet-love, V-2 rockets stream from the sky. Will their love bring forth a second coming of porcinphibian muppet babies, or will it end life on Earth?

Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Forbidden Planet
The Restaurant at The End of Days
Life, The Universe and Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask
So Long, and Thanks For All The President’s Men
Mostly In Harm’s Way
The Salmon of No Doubt (A Gwen Stephani vehicle)

howeird (Wendell’s note: The Almost Compete Work of Douglas Adams’ doppelganger and great examples of when a title is all the ‘pitch’ you need)

Dark Star Wars
Finnegan’s Wake The Dead.

danjite (Wendell’s note: these too)

Close Encounters of the Sixth Kind – A psychologist has a close encounter with an alien space ship and as a result can’t stop sculpting dead people in his living room.
Time Lord of the Rings – When a power hungry Time Lord crosses time and space to retrieve a gold ring of power, only a group of hobbits and a blond girl from London can stop him and his raging Dalek horde.
Beauty and the Number of the Beast – A beautiful district attorney from New York City is assaulted and left for dead. She is discovered by an immortal man and his group of free-sex loving friends and is taken off on their starship. She learns that the best women don’t wait to be rescued from peril by beast men from the Tunnels but instead can be both the perfect social hostess and a whore in the bedroom. (Wendell’s Note: This may be more obscure than most, but ‘Number of the Beast’ was a later Heinlein book I regretted buying, then a friend who worked on a shipping dock dared me to lend it to him… he returned it after a weekend, sealed in 22 layers of industrial shrink wrap. Best. Book Review. Ever.)

2001: A Space Odd Couple – 2 mismatched middle-aged guys, one neat and one sloppy, bicker while on a trip to a moon of Jupiter, must dismantle the ship’s homicidal computer, and explore the alien stargate.
Preda-Tora-Tora-Tora – A musclebound commando must fight a homicidal alien and make his way to Pearl Harbor to warn the US of an impending attack.
Kent Peterson, Issaquah WA USA (Wendell’s Note: Great address!)

Battlestar Gattica – The last remaining survivors of humanity turn to Eugenics to defeat the Cylons.
Scanners Darkly – Keanu Reaves and friends take drugs until their heads explode.
Logan’s Ran – When a Great Lord turns 30, he has to turn over his kingdom to his treacherous sons.
Mystery Science Theater 2001 – A janitor and two robots are forced to watch endless psychedelic light shows.
– eakawie

Fahrenheit 2001 – The Temperature at Which HAL Burns. A ?Fireman? questions his mission of burning sentient computers after hearing one screaming ?Daisy, Daisy, how does your? Oh Dear God it hurts??
Rendezvous with Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong – A group of scientist from Earth study a mysterious deep space probe to settle once and for all the argument that space aliens wrote the great hits of Rock-n-Roll.
The Long Kiss of the Spider Woman – A secret agent suffering from amnesia must recover her memory and protect her daughter while being held in a cell with a cross-dressing Brazilian. Samuel L. ?The Man? Jackson puts the smack down on them both.
– manabus

The Steampunk’d Trilogy – Ashton Kutcher, resplendent in muttonchops and waxed moustache, perpetrates droll pranks on three different natural philosophers. The ensuing jollity is captured by a hidden daguerreotypist.
Kate & Damnation Allie – Following their divorces, two career-minded women set out in a heavily reinforced camper van to see the Plains States and save them from mindbogglingly large mutant arthropods. The van has two separate sleeper berths, to make sure we know they’re not lesbians.
Just-Solaris Stories – Whimsical tales for children on the origins of a massive, psychically absorptive entity and its various extrusions; no other topics are covered.
– splashpanurge

A Clockwork O.C. -: Mischa Barton and her devotchka droogies bring a bit of the ol’ ultraviolence to the streets of this upscale suburb.
jedinemo (Wendell’s Note: this submitter’s ID belongs in the contest)

Rashopokemon – To figure out whether it was rape or willing seduction, you gotta catch all the perspectives.

A Bridge on the River Runs Through It – Two young American prisoners of war are forced to fly-fish.

Full Metal Alchemist Panic Jacket – New recruit Edward Elric proves he’s more powerful than his short stature suggests when a sergeant played by R. Lee Ermey finds himself suddenly transmuted into a chimera after making a few too many height-related snarks. As punishment, Elric must pilot a mecha in Vietnam to find the Philosopher’s Stone to restore the sergeant to his former state.

My So-Called Life On Mars – After a near-fatal car accident, a man wakes up to find himself a teenager again, and back in high school… where he was a huge nerd. This TV show was a critical darling, but a ratings disaster.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, Queen of the Desert – The titular physicist/rock star/drag queen takes himself and his fellow adventurers on a road trip of self-discovery, where they expand the narrow minds of locals, and also fight aliens.
Back To The Future Shock – Too much time traveling leaves Doc and Marty barely able to cope with the ultra-modernity and breakneck pace of life in 1985.
A River Tam Runs Through It – A high-ranking Alliance man’s idyllic fishing vacation is ruined by the unexpected appearance of a brilliant, psychotic, psychic 17-year-old killing machine.

The Trouble with Harry’s Tribbles – It’s one thing for a group of small town folks to find a strange body in the woods, but when the body starts shedding small furry creatures that multiply incessantly? That’s trouble!

The Empire Strikes Back to the Future – Marty discovers something new about Doc Brown… “Marty, I am your father!”

Independence Groundhogs Day– A man relives the invasion of Earth by aliens over and over and over again.

Requiem for a Dream of Electric Sheep – Androids take drugs and begin having their own memories.
Red Planet, Blue Planet – Heinlein meets Kieslowski meets Seuss.
Lord of War of the Worlds – The tale of an interplanetary arms dealer.
The Nightmare Before Independence Day – Jack Skellington, played by Jeff Goldblum, must lead the residents of Halloweentown against alien invaders.
Hogan’s Run – In a world where Nazis cannot grow older than 30…
– myowneve

Oh Mario Bros., Where Art Thou? – Two hyperactive midgets are pursued by a one-eyed ape throughout the Deep South as they attempt to save a southern belle who sounds like she’s from Brooklyn.
Henry the Fifth Element – Only a revivified king of England (Kenneth Branagh) can defeat the nameless-and-yet-subtly-French ultimate evil.
Sleepy Hollow Man – A brilliant-but-psychotic scientist is decapitated, but he doesn’t let it slow him down.
Josh Summit

Too many mashups… must watch TV to rinse out mind. Hey, Food Network’s rerunning Alton Brown’s “Scrap Iron Chef”… AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH.

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