"Post-Holiday Post"


A bearded webcartoonist posted some “‘facts’ that you may not know about Christmas” …

  • The tradition of gift-giving on Christmas was first introduced to America by Abraham Lincoln, who gave his clinically insane wife a water-damaged log for their first holiday together. She devoured it with gusto.
  • Stories of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” can be traced back to ancient Norway, where the outcast reindeer was depicted as a Norse Demi-God who soaked his nose in the blood of his enemies, and bathed in their entrails.
  • Astonishingly, most common depictions of the Nativity are almost exactly right, down to the smallest detail, except for one small imperfection; a rhesus monkey was perched on Joseph’s head for the entirety of his son’s birth. To date, no nativity manufacturer has gotten this detail correct.
  • Santa Claus is real. He is a being composed of pure energy from the planet KRINGLE X-16, who is often mistaken for the Aurora Borealis in photographs. He is able to assemble matter out of raw atoms and distribute them worldwide with but a thought. Zxtlyflor, as he is known in his native tongue, is also inexplicably racist against Asians, and is believed to be directly responsible for the 2005 Tsunami.
  • The roots of our modern Christmas can actually be traced back to Pagan rituals. Our godless heathen ancestors’ children, for example, were known to desire specific items from local shopkeeps around the winter solstice, forcing their parents to camp out overnight only to spend upwards of 600 rodent skulls on the latest bundle of designer twigs, collections of rare dirt clods, or extremely ticklish stuffed chipmunks.
  • …and I felt challenged to contribute a few of my own.

    Oddly enough, there is no record of anybody ever asking Jesus: “Were you born in a barn?”

    Then there is the old Amish tradition (now being covered up by the Ocean Spray people) of molding the gelatin-style cranberry sauce into large penile shapes in a kind of fertility ritual. It must work, because 72% of all Amish living today have birthdays in September or October.

    The “Frosty the Snowman” story was actually the taming-down of an old legend about the Abominable Snowman of the Himalayas attacking a haberdashery shop and getting surprisingly docile afterwards, due to those infamous “Mad Hatter” chemicals.

    The “kissing under the mistletoe” tradition was based on a misunderstanding at an 1874 Christmas party where drunken revelers started chewing on the poisonous berries and their mouths swelled up into a permanent pucker.

    The whole “Jingle Bells on the sleigh” idea was originally devised as an early-warning system for unwanted Christmas visitors, who, like the Belled Cat of the Aesop’s fable, were fooled into thinking they were ‘festive seasonal decorations’ and never figured out why nobody was home when they showed up.

    And the reason Charles Dickens’ classic story was titled “A Christmas Carol” was because it was originally intended to be sung. Unfortunately, for the first performance, Dickens hired an unknown performer named Ezekiel Federline and the performance was a disaster.

    I know I am going to Hell for this, but at least I will be in pleasant company.

    BTW, my ongoing survey of comic strips for my soon-to-be-brought-up-to-date Funny Paperless blog now has the count at 361 for “the number of comic strips that used a ‘Christmas Presents/Christmas Presence’ pun to make a sentimental point” and 286 for “the number of comics that showed a house decorated with a single massive Christmas light bulb” (247 of them red, only 39 green).

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