"Twelve Dazed"


After seeing the 13,791st article on what the gifts of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” would actually cost, I decided to take a different approach and see the potential contemporary impacts of making each of the last 12 Shopping Days before Christmas fit its corresponding theme.

On the first day of Christmas: A partridge in a pear tree.
Okay, that one has already passed, the 13th, but it was mostly for shopping at PetSmart (for the bird) and Home Depot, Garden Department (for the tree, duh).

On the second day of Christmas: Two turtle doves
And the 14th was probably the best NON-shopping day of the season, with the doves representing peace (which you will NOT find in any store right now) and the turtle representing taking it slow. (Yes, I know it’s not a turtle-type turtle, but I’m taking the symbolism as deep as it’ll go.)

On the third day of Christmas: Three French hens
The 15th could also be a good day to “chicken out” from shopping, reinforced by the French part (does making fun of the French ever get old?). Just make a hearty breakfast, featuring French Toast (made with eggs, get it?).

On the fourth day of Christmas: Four calling birds
On the 16th you’ll finally be getting seriously into the shopping, and ‘calling’ obviously means phones: iPhones, Blackberrys, Androids, whatever, or just get set up on Skype. Also, this may be your last chance to attempt to buy out Twitter.

On the fifth day of Christmas: Five golden rings
The 17th is the day you can expect a total sell-off in the Stock Market as all the smart money gets into Precious Metals.

On the sixth day of Christmas: Six geese a-laying
More eggs? but on the 18th, it’s Goose Eggs, also known as Zeroes, so the more zeroes you find at the end of a gift’s price the better. It’s Big Ticket Day, so pre-check the available credit on ALL your cards and find a Lexus-sized ribbon.

On the seventh day of Christmas: Seven swans a-swimming
The 19th is a difficult day: Swans? Take your loved one out to see Swan Lake? The problem is, during this season, the only ballet showing is The Nutcracker. Swimming? Way too cold in most of the Northern Hemisphere, unless you want to organize a Polar Bear Club, but even though they’re both white, few people will confuse a Swan with a Polar Bear. The best you can do is book a trip to a warm beach somewhere for later. Like on the 7th Day of Presidents sometime in February (I think). Or if staying home, get yourself a bathtub large enough for seven swans… or two people.

On the eighth day of Christmas: Eight maids a-milking
Okay dudes, stop drooling. For the 20th, the Milking Maids obviously represent something home-and-kitchen-based. Now’s the time to replace some old appliances, like the George Foreman grill you can’t clean George’s blood stains off of, or the Microwave that’s started making noises like the Large Hadron Collider. And some items you need a second one of: one to make smoothies, the other for your Will It Blend demonstrations.

On the ninth day of Christmas: Nine ladies dancing
For the 21st, you could give her a stripper pole, and unless you can somehow convince her it’s “Santa’s North Pole”, you’ll end up all alone with your tongue stuck to it. Meanwhile, dance-wise, the Ballet is still Nutcracker-obsessed, Disco is still dead, and Cloris Leachman is still recovering. So what are you gonna do for today? Think Dancercise. A treadmill, spinner, eliptical, or just sell your soul to get a Wii with Wii Fit.

On the tenth day of Christmas: Ten lords a-leaping
No, no, no more exercise for the 22nd. If you’re leaping, it’s usually over stuff on the floor: fuzzy pets, kids’ toys or those robotic vacuum cleaners. If you don’t already have all of the above, get them today. If not,
then do something else nice for your/their feet. Maybe a good pair of shoes to replace the ones you threw at President Bush. Just remember, nobody wants to see packages of support hose in their Christmas stocking.

On the eleventh day of Christmas: Eleven pipers piping
On the 23rd, after you’ve acquired all of these wonderful things, it’s time to think about keeping them safe and secure. What does this have to do with pipers? Loud alarm systems. Bells are out, sirens and klaxons are in. (What does a klaxon look like, anyway?) These days, they should have car alarms that recreate the sound of the horn sections of Tower of Power, Blood Sweat & Tears or Earth Wind & Fire. Or at least Clarence Clemons from Springsteen’s band.

On the twelfth day of Christmas: Twelve drummers drumming
It’s December 24th. Christmas Eve, the LAST shopping day before Christmas. Your impossible mission, should you decide to accept it: the 21st Century version of twelve drummers… the Rock Band video game. Good luck finding it.

Now, if this whole rigmarole sounds like too much of a rigmarole (What? I LIKE the word rigmarole. I may use it one more time, just for fun.), then find a chocolate Advent calendar with some halfway-decent chocolates in it for a change. I’ve seen the ones you’ve gotten before at the 99-Cent Store. Stay away from that whole rigmarole. (See? I did it.)

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