"Ralph Nadir (and his Brother Darth)"


One of the most linked-to articles from The Onion recently announced that “Western civilization will reach its lowest conceivable point at 3:32 p.m. Friday.” Now, considering how much Modern Culture and Cultural Crap has originated on the West Coast (with California dominating until Seattle got competitive with Microsoft, Starbucks and Grunge), I’m assuming that is 3:32 PACIFIC Time*, so I am publishing this post at 3:22, which should give my seven readers just enough time to see me say “So long, and thanks for all the fish (even the fake crabmeat and McDonalds Filet-O-Fish, both of which I will strongly argue did NOT significantly contribute to the decline of civilization, just the decline of fishing stocks in some areas)”. Anyway, I was so hoping that this inevitable ultimate bottoming-out would not have occurred until AFTER my Wendellsday Big Event on September 30th, because this means I will now have to do even more dumbing down of my soon-to-be-revealed Network of Internet Websites meaning even less of that grand project will be ready for Wendellsday. But hey, I put a Twitter button and a couple Amazon Recommended Items on the DotMe here, so I’ve gotten something done.

Anyway, since September 30th is also my 54th Birthday, according to sources close to my mother, I will be having a cake made for myself from one of these lovely designs, although I am saddened that Woot.com’s “The Cake Is A Lie” t-shirt has just been discontinued.

*As for other reasons I knew the Nadir of Civilization wasn’t going to happen until 3:32 PM Pacific:
(1) The Bag of Crap had not yet been offered on Woot.com’s Famous Woot-Off.
(2) The latest episode of the “Glenn Beck Show” had not yet aired (he has done so much for the cause of decline lately, and there’s no way he wasn’t going to push us farther downward today)
(3) AT&T needed all the time it could get today to enable MMS service on the iPhone, experience several ‘downtime events’ and still give its users enough time to send every one of the 37 billion YouTube videos to somebody who had already seen it.
(4) The review of “The Michael Jackson Tapes” had not yet been reported by the AssPress.

There had been one premature “Nadir Sighting” last week, documented here from Birdsboro, PA, but when the person leaving the note admitted that two of the misspellings were intentionally ironic, it was downgraded to 98.7% Nadir.

Be sure to follow me via RSS, Twitter, Friendfeed or harassing calls to my home phone number for more coverage of the End of the World As We Thought We Knew It and the beginning of “If This Is the Bottom, When Do We See Signs It’s Getting Better?”-Watch.

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