"Large Hubbub Confuser"


The Controversial Large Hadron Collider (they should change its official acronym from LHC to CLHC) will begin operation at about 12:30AM Pacific Daylight Time tonight/tomorrow. Of course, nothing the LHC will do is likely to destroy the world or even depress local property values any more than they already are. Still, I was a little concerned about the exact timing of the start-up, since a cosmic cataclysm would cause me to miss Craig Ferguson. But then I saw that tonight’s guests are scheduled to be Russell Brand and Margaret Cho, both of whom are rather overrated. If anything, that guest lineup may be a greater risk of creating a black hole than the LHC. But that’s just my opinion. In fact the greatest risk of a matter/antimatter accident may be the following day when Obama and McCain will make a joint appearance at a 9/11 Ground Zero Anniversary Party Commemoration. Still, if there were any real danger of the LHC destroying the world, it’s good to know it would happen before THAT.

But if we are all sucked into a black hole in the early hours of September 10th, I just want all you WebHeads, NetProphets and BlogSplitters in my half-vast audience to know that I appreciate your support (which after running Google Ads for three years came to $105 – and I’m so glad that I hit the $100 minimum and Google cut the check before anything happened). I can’t think of a greater bunch of people-I-have-never-met-in-real-life to be sucked into a black hole with. Or sucked into anything with. Maybe I’m getting a little too personal. But seriously, I love all you guys and gals in a totally asexual way and I don’t care who knows it.

Some people say we should all live every day like it’s our last day on Earth. I don’t necessarily agree; I think it would cause me to miss even more deadlines than I already do. And for a while I thought “last day on Earth” meant something else so I was keeping one carry-on suitcase packed just in case and hoping it wouldn’t be over the weight limit for the Space Shuttle. I was recently reminded the importance of Living for Today when I saw a close Internet friend go through the worst of Hurricane Gustav. It also reminded me the importance of NOT keeping valuable items in a structure with a tin roof. But most of all it reminded me how great it is to live in a time when I can have close Internet friends who live 2000 miles or more away in the path of hurricanes while my own local area is having the most boringly beautiful summer of my life. I feel like I’m observing all the catastrophic Climate Change from a safe distance.

But all this talk of disaster reminded me of something. It reminded me that I set up a website called ArmageddonOrNot.com a couple of years ago where people could rate the risk and severity of various doomsday scenarios, but when I went through a period of mild depression I didn’t want to update the site. And now that I am feeling much much less depressed, I still don’t want to update the site. So if the LHC does not cause the End of The World, it is going to mark the End of ArmageddonOrNot.com, because I’m going to shut it down. I just haven’t decided what kind of message to leave on the placemark page, how much to explain and how much to try to freak out the already-apocalyptic-minded people who visit the site after I pull the plug.

I was just thinking to myself “my life is good”, and then I realized that that was the title of a song by Randy Newman, and that song may be the most cynical thing he ever wrote (and that’s saying a lot). So maybe I should reword that. Let me get back to you on that. AFTER the 11th.

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