"Could These Be The Last Of My 2008 Tweets?"

2009
Mar
17

I fully support decriminalizing the act of tipping over TV newsvans – and not just during sports celebrations.

Beatles Songs About Video Games:
A Day in the Second Life
Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Donkey Kong
GLaDOS Onion
Baby You’re a Pac Man
Yellow Super Mario
Mean Mr. Mario
Lucy in the Sky With Tokens
Lady Madden
Only a Northern Pong

The peasants are always revolting. Even when they aren’t revolting. In fact, the peasants who never revolt are the most revolting.

Did you see those ‘Christians’ praying at the Wall Steet bull statue? It’s the 700 Billion Club!

News headline: “Joe the Plumber Hires Publicist.” Josephine the Plumber hires divorce lawyer.

On Halloween night, it was good to know the Mars Phoenix was still active and ready to hand out Mars Bars to the little green men on the red planet.

Everybody knows that when John Hodgman says he’s a PC, he means a PC running Ubuntu Linux.

Why is it when I see the words “Ren Faire” I expect a John Kricfalusi Animation Festival?

Most of what we consider “web media” is what was previously “on TechTV after the Thunderbirds”.

I am 2 degrees from Steven Spielberg & Martin Scorsese (the DJ I sidekicked for was in films for both). But the fact that I ALMOST worked for Gary Owens makes me 2½ degrees from EVERYBODY.

Remember, you can’t FORCE anyone into working for the Common Good. But you can reward them. Or trick them.

I can’t listen to Claire de Lune without thinking of Victor Borge and his “Clear the Sallon” pun…

I guess it’s better to be a Maverick than a Lone Ranger, Rifleman, Cisco Kid, Hondo, Virginian, Cheyenne, Rawhide, Sugarfoot or Branded.

I’d rather “go vague” than “go rogue”. But I REFUSE to “go vogue”.

After Desktops and Laptops, the next breakthroughs in computer design will be Poptops, Tanktops and Muffintops.

When I’m not being strictly neutral, I’m mostly Anti-Biotic myself.

I avoid plagues like a cliché.

Free coffee for voting sounds like a bad idea. If you want to prevent post-election rioting, DON’T GET THE VOTERS WIRED.

Some men see things as they are and ask why, I dream things that never were and say, “hey, that just might work!”

They left in droves? I used to have a drove. It got terrible mileage.

“Hardware for out of the box ideas”??? But to ship, it needs to FIT IN THE BOX.

For their election coverage, CNN turned The Situation Room into a Holodeck? With Worf Blitzer?

You know those big empty square-ish states in the West? In 2012, they’ll be used to display Election Graphics…

If Obama’s election was a day of historical generational change, why did everybody commemorate it with a copy of Old Media?

Why do I think Prop 8 might have failed if George Takei had invited Shatner to his wedding? Trekkies are not to be messed with.

My mother was a librarian. Named Marian. Who career-shifted into classroom English teacher when “The Music Man” came out.

Money-making idea: Franchise chain named “That Thai Place Over on…”

I’m anticipating the first time the new President disappoints me so I can rename him Obummer.

I’d prefer a fuzzy range of social network relationships: Friend, Lover, Enemy, Just Here to Stare and Laugh, Friend With Benefits, Don’t Ask Me to Help You Move, Not Legal in California, Oh Yeah You’re THAT Guy, I Am Not YOUR Lawyer

The most important people have a very clear desk.” My desk is clear. I just can’t get to my desk past the piles on the floor.

At least it’s better to be NDA Redacted than NRA Redacted. You could shoot yourself! Or NBA Redacted. The dribbling is awful.

I thought of a maybe-new way to describe close-to-autistic motormouths: Rain-Manic.

New word for people who use twitter to tell everyone what they’re NOT doing: Twain’ts

ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN THING TO SAY DURING SEX: “I’m Twittering This”. WORST pop culture references during sex: “Git ‘Er Done”, “Talk to the hand” and of course, “You betcha”. ALL TIME WORST Pop Culture reference duiring sex: “I’ll be back” in a Schwarzenegger impression, especially from a woman.

Instead of borrowing Pepto from somebody, you should mind your own bismuth.

Competiton for Bugle Boy:
Bagel Boy for nice Jewish boys…
Beagle Boy for guys trying to break into Scrooge McDuck’s vault…
Bubble Boy for people who hate George Costanza…
Bible Boy for wearing at Jesus Camp…
Bangle Boy for dudes who walk like an Egyptian…
Buggle Boy for anyone who ever killed a radio star…

So, when Australia starts filtering the Internet, if you ask “Do you come from a land down under?” and get no response, that’s a yes.

Actually the plans to filter the Internet in Australia are just a way to avoid having to explain Vegemite for the millionth time.

Who started using the phrase “a touch of diarrhea”? Because even at its mildest, diarhhea does not “touch”. It SLAPS.

I tried a 3-column accounting method: Debit, Credit and Shoveit.

UnSummit? How about a Dummit, where speakers say what they usually wouldn’t and the audience can tell them they’re dumb. Or call it a Submit, a Sumup, a Sumthing, a Whatsit, a Singit, a Slamit or a Suckit.

“Heh heh, he said ‘stimulus package’, heh heh”. Sadly, for me “bailout” also has sexual connotations. And “subprime”. And “junk bond”. And “short selling”.

Lunch raises questions: If Mt. Olive is a brand of Pickles, is there a brand of Olives called Mt. Pickle?

Nobody makes “Modest Proposals” anymore… it has to be a “Bold Initiative”. Either that or “PANIC!”

No truth to the rumor that for a lunch on the run during a busy campaign, Obama would microwave a HOPE POCKET.

It’s true. My parents pressured me to bring home A’s, yet they weren’t happy in 1972 when I brought home Rollie Fingers.

Lesser Known Ancient Gods:
Schmucubus, the Ancient Etruscan God of Bad Sex and reason there aren’t any modern Etruscans…
Grandipidus, the Mesopotamian God of Bee’s Knees and Cat’s Pajamas…

It’s been 30 years since the Jonestown Massacre? Wow. And so many have drunk so much KoolAid since then and somehow survived…

Sadly, an entire generation has grown up thinking the Concord Grape has something to do with transatlantic flight…

I thought mixing Hamburger Helper with anything bought at Trader Joe’s was illegal in California…

I used to think AA batteries were for recovering alcoholics, AAA for Auto Club members, C for average folks, D for big boobs (open to interpretation).

Wish I could wear a kilt, but considering how off-kilter I am, I’d be constantly taking it off, right?

What’s a worse thing to be, a slacker or a panter?

…and all this time I thought the Church of Scientology was just the LDS on LSD.

NOBODY ever gets over Macho Grande. I can’t even get over the Del Taco Macho Nachos.

I never quite understood why Fantasy Bowling Leagues never caught on.

The more that the term CEO becomes synonymous for Scumbag, the more Bush’s original campaign promise to be “a CEO President” makes sense.

These days, when I hear a strange sound coming from my laptop, it means I’ve forgotten I have the Puppy Cam on in another tab…

Remember, Literacy /= Mathematical Competence /= Fiscal Responsibilty /= Ethical Judgment /= Common Sense (I could go on…)

I think naming the day after Christmas Boxing Day is much cooler than naming the day after Thanksgiving Black Friday.

The USofA has secrets that would shock, annoy or just amuse people of other countries. The 1st Amendment does not cover them.

We need a word for doing Teasers on Twitter… Tweasers? (ouch, it pinches)

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