"ReTweeting Myself (Old News Edition)"

2009
Mar
8

Gee that sounds a lot dirtier than it is… OR IS IT?

Remember, only half of what I say is serious, the rest is just getting your attention. YOUR job is figuring out what’s in which category.

Is it just me or has LateNightDave been lately turning into a Cranky Old Man lately? Maybe he’s getting ready to replace Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes.

If they do hold untelevised debates, they’ll probably be Town Halls held in Mayberry, Sunnydale, Jericho, Springfield, Smallville and South Park.

(for a Political Rock Band meme…)
The Debatles?
The Moody Blue States and Simply Red States
The U2 Party System
Wilson Ticket or Hank Ballot
(with apologies) Rowe Diddley
And how did I miss… The Al Green Party?

Further research shows that many twitter users confuse “Lord of the Flies” and “Lord of the Rings” with hilarious results.

My four-letter desination on the Meyer-Brigges scale spells “DORK”. Is that unusual?

How to tell things are REALLY bad.
My additions: #11 Apple starts selling REAL APPLES.
#12 Michael Richards replace that OTHER Cramer and nobody notices.
#13 McDonalds’ Monopoly Game files for Chapter 11

Hasn’t Science debunked the theory of Identical Cousins yet? Or are they still working on disproving Talking Horses?

“breast cancer awareness Canadian quarter”: finally recognizing the massive overlap between coin collectors and fondlers.

For HEADLINE FRIDAY competition: “Palin says God blessed America with oil and gas.”
…before he knew who was going to move there.
At a loss why He blessed Iran and Saudia Arabia with even more.
That’s in the little-sung thirteenth verse of the Irving Berlin song.
Which is why there’s NO SMOKING in Church.
So they have the wrong stuff in the baptism pools?
And cursed us with phone and cable.
And after that burrito, I feel especially blessed.
…but incredibly had nothing to do with washing your windshield.
(my favorite) Palin family gathers at drug store to praise Alli.

We all construct our own reality. Some of us just use better raw materials.

Yeah, I’m a PC… A PC-13 to be more precise. Brief, non-frontal nudity, mild violence and no more than 2 uses of the F-word.

If you manage it right, the rectal exam portion of your 15 minutes of fame is less than 3 minutes.

Everytime I see Thomson Seedless Grapes I think of Warren Zevon’s “Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner”. Is that wrong?

I used to think the First Captain of the Enterprise was Adam Smith.

I think I have set a personal Multi-Tasking record: 6 things at once (if you include spider killing and peeing)

I’ve been a couponer since they were made from bearskin. Much harder to clip back then.

Headline: “Man Nabbed With Frozen Shrimp in Pants” He had learned much from the time he was caught with live lobsters.

And I though Harry Proboscis was a former Prime Minister of Greece.

Reacting to “Blogs are Dead” article I just wrote: “This will be neither the first nor last time I commit an act of necromedia.” I amuse me.

“The founding fathers knew not to trust the populous” That’s why they owned slaves.

If I read the news correctly, Rackspace has just acquired every rack on rateyourrack.com?

If only all political attack ads started with “yo mama”, the world would be a better place.

I, for one, have a lot easier time working with Socialists than Antisocialists.

Penguins make bad movies tolerable and good movies better. Penguins are the Bacon of the cinematic animal world. It’s an interesting coincidence that you can kill yourself as slowly with a penguin as with bacon.

(to creator of NETTUTS.com) I know TUTS is short for TUTORIALS, but you keep giving me a Steve Martin “King Tut” earworm… Born in Babylonia, moved to Arizona. And if I TRY to pronounce it “toots”, the voice of George Carlin saying “Toots, meet Tits. Tits, meet Toots” comes back to me.

After 10+ days, many Dunkin non-jelly Donuts are more durable than the standard spare tires in most GM models – Consumer Retorts

Why isn’t there any Amateurzac™?

Remember, a rising tide raises some boats, swamps the well-anchored ones, drowns waders and washes lifeguard stands out to sea.

I’ve heard some reporters say a wineglass is an essential reporter’s tool. But then they’re unessential reporters. And tools.

Used to be afraid to shop at Target in the old Cold War days. If the Russians attacked, they’d first hit the buildings with bullseyes on ’em

The 3 Basic Rules of Synchronization are: Location, Location, Location. Or rather: LLLooocccaaatttiiiooonnn.

Most of the opposition to Socialism comes from Anti-Socialists (in the psychological meaning of the term).

Why do I keep thinking “Joey Pants” was the sequel to “Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat “??

The endless “Saw” sequels are like the very definition of things you can’t Un-see. See? See Saw. Been There. Seen Saw. So sowwy.

Did you know that mixing Free Love and Tie Die was the Number One cause of injury among hippies between 1966 and 1970?

Billy Mays doesn’t so much ‘pitch’ as he ‘heaves’ toward home plate.

I once had a place with a floor-to-ceiling fireplace. But that was only WHILE it was burning down.

I took a course in Swamp Management in college, so I am well qualified to run a muck.

There’s a reason Xanax starts and ends with an X. Like Xerox. I once got them mixed up. Results were definitely NOT pretty.

I thought “Succubucks” was the name of a VERY successful chain of coffee houses…

When you say “I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else” you insult one-legged people (and men in kilts)

“Venture Philanthropy” sounds promising… but watch out if he ever announces “Venture Philanthropy Vista”.

It’s called “the Government” when it’s oppressing you, when it’s oppressing people you don’t like, it’s “the Community”.

I like fractals. Without fractals, the characters on Battlestar Galactica would have nothing to say when they’re pissed.

It can’t be repeated too often: DO NOT Tweet while Driving, Bike Riding, Walking, Drinking, Using the Toilet or Toenail Clipping.

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