"01ne out of 5ive"


I’m still a semi-fan of Merlin Mann in spite of his recent obsession with people who get obsessed with buying expensive cameras, and I really really wish he hadn’t stopped updating his “5ives” site, which was having fun with numbered lists years before it became annoyingly ubiquitous.

Still, as with many such lists (I’m looking at you Letterman), many of the lists of five had one item which stood head-and-shoulders above the others, and it wasn’t often the one numbered 1.

So as a public service to those of you who don’t want to go through the six years of archives, and to inform Mr. Mann what kind of things he should rank higher if he ever starts 5ives-ing again (and to give me a way to recycle a large quantity of someone else’s funny without being accused of plagiarism), I present the Top 01nes of Merlin Mann’s 5ives:

01ne terrible fake name for a James Bond movie
3. Tumbler of Bullets

01ne $#!++y band that play the lounge in that hotel near your airport
5. The Feelin’ Fines

okay, 01ne other $#!++y band that play the lounge in that hotel near your airport
3. Fünk Mechanicz!

01ne thing anyone in earshot should legally be permitted to do to a car when its alarm is falsely blaring
3. Break into trunk, fill with AOL® discs

01ne fake name I like to give at restaurants
1. Mr. Bob Dobalina

01ne terribleperfect fake name for your new pleasure boat
1. Papa’s Li’l Cry for Help

01ne piece of never-passed legislation proposed by Mr. Bush
1. Protection of Words Fewer than Three Syllables Act

01ne comic strip character I loathe
5. Dead Grandpa (Family Circus)

01ne great thing about southern Ohio
1. You get a basement

01ne terribleLOL fake name for a James Bond women
3. Badonka Donk

01ne terriblekinda fun fake name for feminine hygiene products
2. Dressy Drawers

01ne dotcom term that stillwill ALWAYS make me cringe
1. monetize

01ne ass-related word I think I use a lot
2. asshat (n.) – willfully ignorant person

also, 01ne ass-related word I think I use a lotnot nearly enough
1. metric assload (n.) – a lot

01ne stage name I’d consider if I ever became a singing drag queen
5. Margarita Salt

01ne thing I fear I might do if I were a ten-foot-tall monster with metal claws, laser beam eyes, and razor-sharp fangs
1. Undertake bloody rampage on the set of The View

01ne thing I’d like to see engraved on little rubber bracelets
1. nap strong

01ne terrible fake 60’s dance craze
5. The McNamara

01ne California city that sounds kind of dirty
1. Coalinga

01ne terrible fake secret about Seals & Crofts
2. In industry circles, Seals was rumored to have been behind an abortive plot to whack Bread, America, and Poco

01ne reason the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
4. those delicious steak fries

01ne terrible fake pledge-week special on PBS
3. Gwen Ifill leads a group of American schoolchildren on a field trip to the Beijing factory where your tote bag was manufactured

01ne song I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
5. “Theme from Laverne & Shirley

01ne terrible fake reality TV show
2. Project Segway

01ne unusual Top Chef production crew title
5. Clog Wrangler

01ne terrible fake Jane Austen novel
4. Funk and Functionality

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