"Headline Amuse"

2009
Feb
18

I have previously mentioned the efforts by Josh Cagan to make Twitter a funnier place by tweeting news headlines matched up with one-liners (All in 140 characters? Impressive!). And recently he has recruited some of his jokier followers (and winners/runners-up of his Punchline Friday competition) to pass the baton (which is even harder than passing a stone) for Guestline Wednesday.

Since Wednesday IS Wendellsday, it was inevitable that I would be tapped (or whacked) for the honor, and this week was it. Despite a dearth of usable stories in the Odd News category, I was able to get into the hot topics (and the previous post was a spin-off of my topicality) and after clearing my throat/mind/spleen by chanting “BlagojovichBlagojovichBlagojovich”, I got into the Funny.

HEADLINE: “Hundreds of TV stations cut off analog signals” Most of which were NBC affiliates who decided “Why bother anymore?”

HEADLINE: “Facebook users protest site grabbing rights to photos and posts” Facebook just sold the movie rights to those protests to Fox.

HEADLINE: “Facebook Backs Down on Privacy Terms Change” …after getting a good look at some of the pictures they now have the rights to.

HEADLINE: “Chimp That Mauled Woman Was on Xanax” I’m sure I heard something about that in the disclaimers in the TV commercial…

HEADLINE: “Burris Admits Soliciting Funds for Blagojovich” But he believed he was in the clear as long as there was no blue dress involved.

(from Josh’s secret news ticker): “Cache of Ice Age Fossils Found in Los Angeles” Apparently attracted to Neil Diamond’s Grammy performance.

HEADLINE: “Los Angeles Nears Water Rationing” HEY! Bring those Ice Age Fossils back!!!

HEADLINE: “Half of Charges Against Pirate Bay Dropped” Now if convicted, they’ll only have to walk half a plank.

HEADLINE: “Sugar-sweetened Pepsi & Mt.Dew coming back under ‘Throwback’ brand” As opposed to their current products known as “Throw-Ups”…

HEADLINE: “New Barbie Doll Based on German Chancellor Angela Merkel” Since she’s a politician, they couldn’t call it an ‘Action Figure’.

HEADLINE: “NY Muslim TV Exec Accused of Beheading Wife” I knew someday those February Sweeps stunts would go too far..

HEADLINE: “Market Crash Leaves CNBC Anchors Speechless” Either that or their teleprompters got repossessed.

HEADLINE: “Arkansas Formally Forbids Non-Believers from Public Office” Because nobody can live in AK very long without NEEDING to pray.

HEADLINE: “Backward green comet makes one-time only visit” It’s probably come to return Perez Hilton to his home planet.

HEADLINE: “Geronimo’s Heirs Sue to Free Apache Chief’s Spirit” And I thought he predated cel phone contracts.

HEADLINE: “Wal-Mart Drops Price on Prepaid MoneyCard” They’re also discounting dollar bills with the picture of Sam Walton on them.

HEADLINE: “Clinton Warns North Korea Over Missile Test” …that it will count 20% toward its final grade.

HEADLINE: “McDonald’s Exec Eyes 500 Stores in China in 3 Years” …requiring Chinese beef industry to expand by at least 3 cows.

HEADLINE: “Westboro Baptist Plans Protest at Flight 3407 Memorial Services” Apparently thought the crashed plane’s “cockpit recorder” was too gay.

HEADLINE: “Watchmen Movie Promo Items Include Blue Condoms” They really know their target audience (1) Male… (2) Unlikely to have girlfriends who’d laugh at something like that (3) Likely to do a PeeWeeHerman during the Watchmen Movie

HEADLINE: “Lance Armstrong’s Custom Bike Stolen at Tour of California Race” What do they think it is, the tour of New Jersey?

HEADLINE: “AG Holder Says US a Nation of Cowards on Racial Matters” prompting everyone in the audience to immediately duck and cover.

HEADLINE: “NY Post Cartoon Seems to Link Obama to Dead Chimp” Imediately criticized by Rush Limbaugh & Anne Coulter for being too subtle.

HEADLINE: “Martial Arts Expert Challenges Chris Brown to Fight” or, at the very least, to record a cover of “Kung Fu Fighting”

HEADLINE: “Gates Foundation Assets Down 20 Percent” Damn, those mosquitos must’ve been expensive!

HEADLINE: “Obama Gets Autographed Shaquille O’Neal Sneaker” Plans to hold cabinet meetings in it.

HEADLINE: “Michael Jackson Auctions Off Bizarre Items” But after recent news, there were no bids for Bubbles the Chimp.

HEADLINE: “Boy marries dog to ward off tiger attacks” I think that was a Saturday Morning cartoon back in the ’60s.

HEADLINE: “Geographers think they know where Bin Laden is” Apparently he was run over by the GoogleMaps StreetLevel car.

HEADLINE: “Study Shows Brains of Lonely People Work Differently” Not surprising, since they have so much more time to actually think.

Goodnight bodyevery! Tip safely and drive your waitress! I’ll be weak all here!

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