"I Believe…"


I BELIEVE that the entire concept of “What I Believe/This I Believe” lists was made ridiculous when Steve Martin did this monologue on Saturday Night Live in 1978. But I also believe that some people (very likely working for NPR) believe that there is no horse so dead that it can not be beaten, therefore

I BELIEVE… in the sanctity of all human life, except for the wretched scum who have appeared on Reality TV shows.

I BELIEVE… in Family Values. And that there should be a Family Stock Market where you can invest in your Family Values and make big bucks.

I BELIEVE… the world is entering into a critical period of history that will not end until the last Movie Critic is dead.

I BELIEVE… there is nothing more beautiful than the inside of a woman’s car trunk (… which I have seen several of… from the inside).

I BELIEVE… I am getting another cold.

I BELIEVE… you really can rollerskate in a buffalo herd, if you are very very careful.

I BELIEVE… the Internet will change the way we do everything, including urinating.

I BELIEVE… for every bell that rings, an Angel says “It’s for you!” to the next Angel.

I BELIEVE… for every drop of rain that falls, a driver in Los Angeles has a panic attack.

I BELIEVE… you never really know a person until you have seen them (1) mowing a lawn, (2) singing karaoke and (3) suffering a mild seisure.

I BELIEVE… the wisest thing anyone ever said was “I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy.”

I BELIEVE… you have my coffee.

I BELIEVE… Peter Dinklage is the finest actor of our time with a really embarrassing name.

I BELIEVE… there is nothing a person is incapable of doing to annoy me.

I BELIEVE… any two people in love are much more beautiful than the same two people in a giant blender.

I BELIEVE… that history will see Barack Obama as one of America’s blackest Presidents.

I BELIEVE… I could go on like this forever.

I BELIEVE… I desperately need an editor.

2 Comments (so far) about

"I Believe…"

  1. Shawno Says:

    Barack Obama – more or less black than Bill Clinton? That’s for the historians to decide, Wendell.

  2. me, Wendell Says:

    That’s why I qualified it as “one of the”, shawno; Willie C. is definitely more ‘ghetto’, and “Bubba” is a nickname that can go either way…

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