"Foot Faults"

2009
Feb
6

montypython-foot-180x161This seemed like a good time to be seriously sacrilegious, so let’s see what we can do with alternate endings for the pseudo-classic “Footprints in the Sand”:

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Scenes from my life flashed in front of me. (They were not in HD)
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
Other times, during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, defeat,
nausea, heartburn, upset stomach, indigestion, diarrhea,
bad hair days, genital itching or Aspergers,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“What the frak!
You promised me that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
Why, when I needed you most,
have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
(select one or more of the following answers to fit your own spiritual biases)

(1) “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you.”

(2) “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when you carried me. No wonder you were feeling crappy.”

(3) “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when you were hopping on your left foot and I was hopping on my right. I thought we were having fun!”

(4) “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I let my fingers do the walking through the Yellow Pages. How do you think you got so many pizzas delivered to the beach?”

(5) “Do you think you’re the only loser I have to chaperon around this crappy beach? Despite all the stories, I can only do the ‘everywhere at once’ trick for four hours a day, tops.”

(6) “Hey, I’m God, I don’t need to walk, I float. That second set of footprints, well, apparently, you’re being intermittently stalked by the Invisible Man.” (adapted from punchline in BoingBoing to make it funny)

(7) “You’re the one following me. You never even notice when I’ve stopped to reapply my suntan lotion and I have to take giant leaps to get back in front of you… which of us is being neglectful?”

(8) “Beach? What beach? I thought we were going mall-walking…”

Your Turn...

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AND NOW A WORD FROM SOMEBODY WHO MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME...