"None Dare Call It Whatever"


Those mental_flossers at mental_floss have hijacked my train of thought again with a blog post about euphemisms, which I pointed out as ironic since I was already using them as a euphemism.

So let me point out some original euphemisms I’ve come up with (that like all my other contributions to the language, will forever be used by nobody but me):

Bodily Functions

A “symphony” is an attack of diarrhea, since both involve several movements. “I can’t go out; I’m conducting a symphony in the bathroom.

And vomiting? Since it mixes non-digested food with digestive fluids, I like to call it “acid recycling”.

This one’s kind of a reverse-euphemism, but when I was in the hospital, the catheter they put in to measure my urinary output I called my “penile extension”.

Sexual Stuff

The two most common preparations for sex are undressing and “re-dressing”, ifyouknowwhatimean… (“Yes, honey, I’ll help you take that off if you’ll help me put this on…”)

And of course, there are three standards for the duration of a sexual encounter, the “Looney Tune” (7 minutes or less), the “Sitcom” (a half-hour) and the “Lord of the Rings Trilogy” (8 hours, you braggart). Which does open you up to other TV/movie based euphemisms like “very special episode”, “after-school special”, “Police Academy 37”, “the best stuff was in the trailer” and the dreaded “season-ending cliffhanger”… and woe be to you if you finish in a “Bullwinkle” (half the time of a Looney Tune).

Going out in the water to wash off after having sex on the beach is “skinny double dipping”. (What? You’ve never done it? Hey, it’s the best way to get sand out of sensitive places!)


I do refer to Lent as the “Vatican Top 40 Countdown”, but not in front of my Catholic friends. On the other hand, the long, boring football pre-game shows on Sundays are “Agnostic Mass”.

Getting married in a church, in the eyes of both The State and The Lord? That’s “getting double-locked”.

Other Cultural Stuff

Since “Lost”, I don’t call the numerous actors on complicated dramas an ‘ensemble cast’ anymore. I call them a “passenger list”.

Any dull ‘boilerplate’ ‘fillin-in-the-blanks’ official statement I call “Sane Libs” (after “Mad Libs”).

Since “The Colbert Report” (with its silent t’s) has become the standard for this satirical sub-form, I’d refer to any deadpan exaggeration of opinions you don’t believe in as “doing a silent T”, or maybe “silenty”.

A ‘nipple slip’ on live TV? That’s an “FCC fundraiser”.

Finally (for now), a political reverse-euphemism: you could call ‘waterboarding’ the “Cheney’s Water Torture”.

Coming soon, I have some words about my least favorite common euphemisms, which I was going to include here, but I’ve been trying to break up my blogging into less-than-3000-word-pieces

2 Comments (so far) about

"None Dare Call It Whatever"

  1. Buddy Butler Says:

    I take a less political tack with regard to a euphemism for waterboarding.

    How about, “adult swim”?

  2. wendell Says:

    Aw, come on, Buddy, “Squidbillies” isn’t THAT bad. Well, maybe it is.
    Still, for a real euphemistic euphemism for water-boarding, I’d try “body surfing”.

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