"Famous Last Words"

2006
Sep
10

Okay, what kind of a ‘media gadfly’ would I be without a blog entry about Katie Couric and her “Make ME a Sign-Off Phrase” contest? Of ALL the times for David Letterman to take a week off… I hope when he returns, he dedicates a whole week to Katie’s Top 40 or 50 Sign-Off suggestions. Of course, since I’ve gotten off to such a late start, many others have made their suggestions before me.

Scott Ott at Scappleface proves that even an obnoxious right-winger can be occasionally funny (Scott, could you possibly teach it to Bruce Tinsley?) with his “secretly leaked from CBS”: Top Ten List:

10. ?Well, there?s 22 minutes of your life you can never get back.?
9. ?News pH balanced. We report. You admire.?
8. ?I hope to see you tomorrow night, because all I see tonight is the TelePromTer.?
7. ?I?m Katie Couric, and that?s the way it is at the DNC.?
6. ?That?s the news and I mean it. Does anybody want a peanut??
5. ?I?m Katie Couric and this is one sweet gig!?
4. ?If you stand up for a few minutes now, you won?t get so many sofa sores.?
3. ?Now you know what to think. But you don?t really have to.?
2. ?Why read the news online when I get paid millions to do it for you??
1. ?What makes a muskrat guard its musk??

Another Top Ten from the frighteningly titled Pug Bus:

1. “That’s the news, and if you don’t like it, you can bite my @$$.”
2. “This has been Katie Couric, bending over frontward to bring you the news.”
3. “I?m Katie Couric, and I approve this message.”
4. “Don’t take it laying down unless you’re being paid to.”
5. “Eat your heart out, Connie Chung, I’m getting my toes sucked.”
6. “This has been Katie Couric, and these puppies are real.”
7. “Good night and good screwing.”
8. “This is Katie Couric, reminding you, if at first you don’t succeed, hike up your skirt.”
9. “Don’t blame me; I only read this $#!+; I don’t make it up.”
10. “This is Katie Couric and her vagina, bidding you good night.”

And from Ash of Ashvegas in Asheville, NC:

1. “Holla!”
2. “Hey Dan, suck it.”
3. “Couric.”
4. “Peace out.”
5. “Good night and stay perky, America.”
6. “Be good to your colon, and your colon will be good to you.”
7. “The tribe has spoken.”
8. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.”
9. “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”
10. “Nighty-night.”

Ash, baby, you could’ve edited that down to five and not lost much…
By the way, if the following sources seem to include less lame lines than the above, it’s because I was able to edit out the really bad ones, since they were not part of a numbered list.

OneParkAvenue suggested: ?This is Katie Couric. Thanks for joining me in this evening?s rendition of The Vagina Monologues,? while “hernando county concerned citizens” broke the snark barrier with: “Goodnight for CBS News and ‘Death to America’!” (I’d say I was getting a little concerned about the concerned citizens of hernando county, but then I’d sound too much like THE TROUBLER!)

There are parallel “contests” going on for the funniest-and-therefore-least-likely-to-be-used-by-Katie Sign-Offs, most notably by the website for the recently-revived Cracked Magazine, which offered up some examples for their entrants to do better than:

“And that was the news, brought to you by the good people at Botox.”
“Where in the world is Matt Lauer? Off my ass, that?s where.”
“And so it goes…without saying that I?m now obscenely wealthy.”
“I?m Katie Couric, asking, ‘Why does it still smell like old man in here?'”
“I?m Katie Couric, asking, ‘You know what they say about chicks with big gums, right?'”
“Goodnight, and Dan Rather if you prank call me one more time, I?ll perform your colonoscopy while wearing a catcher?s mit.”
“I?ll be back tomorrow with 22 more minutes of sound bites to fill the vacuum where I once had a soul.”
“Brian Williams is a pedophile. Goodnight!”
“I?m Katie Couric and that sound you?re hearing is Edward R. Murrow rising from the dead just so he can kill himself.”
“I haven?t stopped smiling since 1982. Seriously someone help me. No! Stop playing the credits! I?m Katie Couric! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Oh Jesus!”

Mmmmkay, shouldn’t be too difficult to improve on those…

The TV Squad blog made a contest too, with the glorious prizes of getting stars added to your commentor profile (big spenders). In spite of that, they got quite a few good entries:

“I’m Katie Couric, and I like asparagus.”
“I’m Katie Couric; don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”
“I’m Katie Couric, less talk, more rock!”
“I’m Katie Couric, and that’s my colon.”
“I’m Katie Couric, and no I have not been photoshopped today.”
“I’m Katie Couric, and if you believe I have no business anchoring the nightly news on a national network, I’m sorry but life isn’t fair.”
“I’m Katie Couric. If you want the news, read a newspaper. Good night.”
“I’m Katie Couric, and I say thumbs up to colon health!”
“I’m Katie Couric and I’m gonna make it after all!” (Throws Hat in Air)
“I’m Katie Couric, are you sick of me yet?”
“I’m Katie Couric, and I have been lying this whole time. Goodnight.”
“I’m Katie Couric and I’m contractually obligated to say something strong or witty at the end of this broadcast.”
“I’m Katie Couric for CBS, the wardrobe malfunction network. See you tomorrow night.” (zoom in & wink)
“I’m Katie Couric don’t worry I wouldn’t take me seriously either.”
“I’m Katie Couric. The horror. The horror.”
“I’m Katie Couric and…does this make me look fat?”
“I’m Katie Couric, and that was today’s news. If you don’t like it, go make your own.”
“You’ve just heard the news, America, go make some more.” (not really the same as the one above, or is it?)
“Goodnight, good luck and good riddance.”
“For CBS News, I’m Katie Couric with this reminder: All your news are belong to us!”
“I’m Katie Couric and you’re just jealous!”
She should rip open her blouse and look down and say: “Good night, Chet. Good night, David.”
“Serenity now!”

Michael Musto, winner of the Next magazine award for Press Whore of the Year (and proud of it) and regular contributor to the Keith Olbermann Top 40 show, suggested: “Good night, and good luck with your colonoscopy.” (Of course, Olbermann himself stole Edward R. Murrow’s sign-off line, which Keith finally was forced to admit in one of his Big Serious Commentaries last week and which Katie, in her montage of sign-offs, rightfully ignored. Then again, if you don’t believe that Tone Matters, then you can’t tell the difference between Murrow’s solemn “Good night and good luck” and Olberman’s snarky “Good night and good luck,” accompanied by the paper-throwing-with-glass-breaking-sound-effect that he stole from Letterman. He wonders why he isn’t taken seriously. I wonder why he wants to be taken seriously. But I digress.)

Many blogs before me have solicited suggestions in their comments. (Those of course, being blogs that actually have readers because their thefword.pnging webhosting services don’t keel over and go gurgle for a day and a half at a time. But I digress again. I shouldn’t do that; my webhost could go down at any time.)

Since I have quoted one righty blog, I am now contractually obligated to quote Daily Kos from its usual 342 comments:

“God bless our sponsors and God bless higher ratings”?
“Does this anchor desk make me look fat?”
“Good night and good nylons”
“Goodbye for now, and have a really neat evening!”
“Be excellent to each other. And Party On Dudes!”
“…and that’s news to me.”
“…ding! and that’s the end of the spin cycle.”
“…you’re soaking in it.”

Lawblogger (as opposed to all us OutlawBloggers) Ann Althouse got a bumper crop of suggestions without even specifically requesting:

“That’s the world in news tonight. I’m Katie Couric, and I’m going drinking!”
“Perky!, It’s not a four letter word.”
Emily Litella’s “Never mind.”
Dave Barry’s “I am not making this up.”
“Women and children first.”
“This is Katie Couric, reminding you to take your fiber supplements.”
“This is Katie Couric, and I can’t wait to read what you blogged about me.”
ThankGodthatsovernowsomeonehelpmegetthis****ingcorsetoff!!!
“That’s our story and we’re sticking with it. No matter what.”
“And that’s the way I say it is.”
“I STILL haven’t thought of a sign-off,” and then giggle.
Or, like Dinah Shore, she could turn her back to the camera, cover her mouth with her hand, then whirl toward the audience and blow America a kiss.

From CorranteWire, whatever that is:

?That?s the news. Now, go away.?
?I?m out of stuff to read until tomorrow, America.?
?I have to go see a man about a dog.?

From Ankle Biting Pundits:

?Please tune in tomorrow night when we air the corrections.?
?Another $57,692.31 closer to Oprah?
?Courage??Hey, wait a min?.who the thefword.png put that in the script????
?And that?s the way it is? depending on what your definition of ?IS? is!?
“This is Katie Couric, goodnight and Gravitas!”

from Scout.com (NOT affiliated with the Boy Scouts):

“From my box to yours…….Nighty Nite!”
“I’m Katie couric, now stop looking up my skirt.”
“I’m Katie Couric. Peace out dogg.”
“I’m Katie Couric. Be having good time in the night comrades.”
“I’m Katie Couric. Please check my work.”
“I’m not Dan Rather. And that is a step in the right direction.”
“I’m Katie Couric. ….Oh my God! like I know, right!?”

MediaLine used their message boards to collect:

“I’m Katie Couric. Good night.” Chorus: “DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUMMMM!”
“I’m Katie Couric. And I have a life-sized tatoo of an ass… ON MY ASS!!!”
“That’s all for tonight from the old ONE-EYE Network!”
“I’m Katie Couric. (sniffle, sniffle) MATT…. I MISS YOU. Please take me back. (sniffle, sniffle) And, Anne. I’m sorry I was such a b!+c#…. but you still suck. Goodnight.”
“I’m Katie Couric. Remember to floss and wash behind your ears. Goodnight.”
“Stop looking at my +!+s, you perverts.”
“The da Vinci code is real.”
“I wonder what all the poor people are doing tonight?”
“…and now on to something completely different.”
“Join us next time on the Weakest Link. G’bye.”
“I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico.”
“I’ll be even fatter the next time you see me. Good night.”
“I’m Katie Couric, and Les, don’t worry… that picture of you and the goat is safe and sound – for now.”
“For all of us here at CBS News, I’m Katie Couric, the first main, solo, female anchor of a network evening newscast in the United States of America and my knees are sore. Nite.”
“Respect My Authoritah!!!!”
“That does it, screw you guys, I’m going home”.
“Thanks for watching. Waiter, I’ll have the veal.”
“I’m Katie Couric, and for all of us at CBS News…if you’re not down with that, we’ve got 2 words for ya…”

The only original one from Newsarama was “”I wish I was Diane Sawyer.” The G4TV forums also came up nearly empty with “I’m Katie Couric, and I like candy” and “I’m Katie Couric. See you in hell.” The suspiciously-named Zay N. Smith of the Chicago Sun Times suggested: “Please join us tomorrow. You never know when we will actually report some news. Goodnight.” And the Stern Fan Network very predictably offered: “Good Night and Bababooey to Ya’ll!!” and “Who farted?”

The Platypus Society offered a bunch of catch-phrases recycled from other sources, including: “So long, and thanks for all the fish,” “I?ll be back,” “Goodnight, Gracie,” ?You have no chance to survive make your time” and the oddly timeshifted ?Good morning, and in case I don?t see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!? as well as >says nothing, just tugs her earlobe<. They did have one good original one: “This has been Katie Couric, skirting the issues,” but maybe the best one I’ve seen is a recycled closer, very timely since the previous user can’t do it any more: “Crocs rule!”

“I’m Katie Couric for CBS News. Crocs rule!” Let’s see somebody challenge the accuracy of that.

What? What are you still hanging around for? You’re expecting me to come up with a few Katie Couric Sign-Offs of my own? After 2000 words reviewing damn near everything damn near everybody else came up with? Geeeeee… you’re a tough (but tiny) crowd.

Wendell’s Top 15 Katie Couric Closings:

15. Stay tuned to your CBS station for shows that don’t even pretend to be news. Try saying THAT, O’Reilly.

14. This is Katie Couric reminding you to watch every day, because if the ratings tank, it’s back to the colonoscopy!

13. I’m Katie Couric for CBS News, officially changing its name on January 1st to “CSI: Journalism”.

12. I’m Katie Couric and yes, I’m wearing white after Labor Day. And if I get re-married I’ll wear white there too, AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME! Goodnight.

11. I’m Katie Couric for CBS News. Now, who wants ice cream?

10. This is Katie Couric, and as the camera pulls back, keep your eyes up here, mister.

9. This is Katie Couric for CBS News, Wardrobe by Bloomingdale’s.

8. This is Katie Couric for CBS News, Wardrobe by Anderson Cooper’s Mother.

7. Will Iraq fall to Civil War? Will the Housing Bubble burst? Will Paris Hilton say something else stupid? Find out tomorrow on our next episode!

6. This is Katie Couric saying, please please ple-e-ase can I go back to calling myself “Katherine”?

5. I’m Katie Couric. Trust me. I know what I’m doing.

4. This is Katie Couric for CBS News reminding you – I don’t care how badly this bombs, no way I’m ever gonna do “The Early Show.”

3. For CBS News, I’m Katie Couric, NOT Katie Holmes.

2. I’m Katie Couric and that may or may not have been the News.

1. I’m Katie Couric for the CBS Evening News, a dinnertime tradition in America for as long as TV Dinners… and just as nutricious!

1 Comment (so far) about

"Famous Last Words"

  1. WendellWit » Blog Archive » I’m Number Three! I’m Number Three! Says:

    […] The results are in from the Katie Couric Sign-Off Contest held by TVSquad.com, and I was awarded Third Place and got an extra star next to my name whenever I comment there! I’d like to thank the academy, but I won’t. Interestingly, my winning entry was repurposed into the contest from the list I wrote at the bottom of this blog post in which I listed what were, IMHO, the best entries before me, which I believe creates an infinite loop that will require the entire Internet to be rebooted. […]

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