"As Many Jokes as Blades"

2006
Aug
27

wenger_264.jpg This is NOT a Swiss Army Knife.
This is…

A) the entire f@$&ing Swiss Army
B) a Swiss Army Corps of Engineers Knife
C) the contents of a Swiss Bank
D) only issued to Ninjas who know how to kill a man with every impliment
E) Microsoft Knife
F) what will put the guy in the Knives Sharpened kiosk’s kids through college
G) In boxes of Kelloggs cereal (because it costs less than the cereal it displaces)
H) Everything confiscated at the Burbank Airport in the last year (and if it weren’t for the hair gel, it’d never stick together)
I) Replacing an extra nurse in budget-minded operating rooms across the country
J) from the Lost Episode of Tim Allen’s “Home Improvement”
K) required equipment for the first All Obsessive Compulsive Street Gang
L) The kind of knife you can bring to a gunfight
M) Survivalist Bling
N) The minimum required to get the case of my desk computer open
O) A prop from “Saw VII”
P) an Israeli Army Knife
Q) a Chinese Army Knife
R) an Army of Darkness Knife
S) an Army of One Knife
T) a Charlie’s Garden Army Knife
U) a Tool’s Tool (as in “a Man’s Man”)
V) a less impressive torture device than continuous showings of the South Park Movie
W) when guns are outlawed, what will keep Uzi owners from complaining
X) currently imbedded six inches into my skull as I write this… (and I told them “Do Not Apply Directly to Forehead”)

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AND NOW A WORD FROM SOMEBODY WHO MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME...