"The F-Words (plural)"


Ah, The F-Word. I try to minimize my own personal use of it, except when you just gotta quote George Carlin, which is not that difficult when you realize how many euphemisms there are for it.

And how many of them, like the word itself, start with an F and end with a K. In fact, it now appears that ANY word that starts with an F and ends with a K, including nonsense words, can substitute for fuck. (There, I said it)

Let’s run down this list just for the The F-Word of it, shall we?

FUNK. Frequently used in musical context, especially by black or faux-black performers. It is more closely similar sounding than most, so it can be also be used as a cop-out when you do use the other word. Like in the lyrics sheet for Prince’s song “Erotic City”… “We can funk until the dawn”? Yeah, sure, Princey.

FREAK. (C’est chic.) Mostly used with the -ing suffix in adjective form, but good in verb form when referring to an experience of particularly freaky fucking. (Which if you’ve never experienced at least once, well, I’m sorry)

FARK. Drew Curtis is one of the evil geniuses of the Web, and this four-letter URL just proves it. There is still some confusion with the guerrilla/terrorist organization in Columbia FARC, but since this brutal gang can justifiably be called “farkers”, it’s no longer relevant.

FRAK. This is where I get to blame Battlestar Gallactica for the ever-increasing trend in sci-fi nonsense swearwords. Interestingly, the word was spelled “Frack” when used in the original 1980 series and was intended more as a substitute for ‘shit’ or ‘damn’, mostly uttered by characters with a reputation for earthiness. In the 2000’s version, everybody says Frak at one time or another, because, at one time or another on that show, everybody IS Frakked. Previously, Looney Tunes character Yosemite Sam was frequently heard gibberish-swearing under his breath “rackin’ frackin’ brackin'” or some other similar combination, picked up by many other cartoon characters since.

FRICK. This is almost exclusively used with the -ing as an adjective, but has been pretty much eclipsed in recent years by “frig” or “frigging”, one of the few not-ending-in-K euphemisms in current use. It is still notable if only for the fact that “Frick and Frack” was the name of a team of very successful novelty ice skater, and the fact that both their names became euphemisms shows the power of the F–K combination. One wonders if Click and Clack may someday suffer the same ignominy (we can only hope so).

FORK. Most often used in the kitchen in the presence of sensitive sou-chefs, or sometimes done in the kitchen with sexy sou-chefs, ifyouknowwhatImean. Also the punchline of the one of the finest double-entendre jokes ever using inanimate objects: “Spoon says to Fork: Let’s Spoon. Fork replies: No, let’s Fork.”

FOLK. From the TV-show title “Queer as Folk”. You did know that was what it meant, didn’t you?

FILK. Defined as “the folk music of the sci-fi/fantasy community”, including novelty and parody songs on subjects not usually addressed in popular music (or rather addressed in very unpopular music), it fits into this category simply because anything that mixes science fiction and folk music is definately all The F-Worded up.

FOOK. Most often used by persons with certain accents (including parts of England), it is often unclear whether this is really a euphemism or just an alternate pronunciation for the original word.

FECK. Apparently originating as a Middle English shorthand for “effect” and the basis of the word “feckless”, in the hands of some Irish feckers, including James Joyce, it became a verb that could substitute for either “steal” or “throw” before TV’s Father Ted popularized its fuck-substitute usage.

FLUNK. Primarily used by schoolteachers in reference to certain students they don’t like, although, to this day, the NEA and other teaching institutions deny its true meaning.

FALK, PETER. It speaks to the respect this actor and his signature character Lt. Columbo have that his name is almost never used as a euphemism for fuck, one of the few f—k words that seems immune. The exception that proves the rule.

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