"The Hairy Death of Hollow Potter"

2007
Jul
22

I was working on-and-off on a funny-as-all-get-out collection of Harry Potter NON-Spoilers, that is, events that I could guarantee would NOT happen in “Deathly Harry and the Potter Hallows” or whatever. But I wound up disappointing myself in the quality of the lines; meanwhile I kept hearing other ‘joke spoilers’ that duplicated my jokes. But then, the “Sopranos-esque-Eat-Onion-Rings-and-Go-Suddenly-to-Black-Ending” and the “Voldemort/Vader-Is-Harry/Luke’s-Father-Twist” are pretty obvious. By Thursday Evening, the latest I could post this and get noticed before the book came out, I was down on the whole enterprise. Still, I had a few worthy lines, so here are a few things that you’ll never find in the last Harry Potter book, or any Harry Potter book not written by an idiot or a smart-ass:

  • Harry leads a gang of Hogwarts students to the streets of London, assaulting Christians.
  • Hermione grows up to marry an Advertising guy named Darren.
  • Harry is singled out and invited to become a transcendant post-human being by a vision resembling Wesley Crusher from “Star Trek: TNG”.
  • The Hogwarts Academy is actually a small model inside a snowglobe, obsessed over by the real Harry Potter, an autistic boy in Boston.
  • Voldemort admits responsibility for 9/11.
  • Hedwig becomes famous as the “ORLY?” owl.

As for my own life, I remain hopeful that THIS is all a dream and I wake up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette. But with my luck, I’ll wake up and find Patrick Duffy in the shower.

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