"Alt-Lore"

2007
Jun
23

At times when I have extreme difficulty generating actual humorous matter for this blog, it’s nice to know that I can always steal generously from my personal nominee for Funniest Person on the Web: Lore Sjöberg. First of all, you have to admire the audacity of somebody who takes his nom de blog from Data’s evil twin on Star Trek. [Like I should talk. I’m the kid on The Simpsons who throws up a lot,] But also, he has just plain never failed to make me giggle like a schoolgirl. That is why I have made it a point NEVER EVER to meet him in person. Anyway, for umpteen months now, he has been doing a weekly commentary for the Wired.com website: Alt Text. It is not clear whether this title is intended to refer to Alternative Text, Altered Text (like any of us who’ve ever dealt with editors know too well) or Text that came to him while praying at the Alter of Shecky, the ancient God of One-Liners. Or if he just has the bad habit of falling asleep at the keyboard and landing on the ‘alt’ key.

Once you’ve read his piece on “The Ultimate Blog Post”, you will never be able to take any blog more seriously than mine. (Aha! My hidden agenda!)

But like other columnist/commentators in both web-based and crispy-kleenex media, he gets a little one-sentence blurb at the end of everything he writes that attempts to answer the first question most readers have: Who is this f@¢£ing f@¢£er and why should I care what he thinks?

In Señor Sjöberg’s case, his blurb begins “Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become…” with a different ending almost each week. So, since I myself am never gonna come up with anything funnier, here is a semi-complete list of Lore’s by-line blurbs (and a potentially very interesting test case for Fair Use). I have noted my favorites with a §, just because it looks cool.

02.01.06 – “Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become an author, columnist and animist.
§ 02.15.06 – “…a gadabout, layabout and roustabout.
03.01.06 – “…an entrepreneur, restauranteur and voyeur.
03.15.06 – “…a gourmet, a gourmand and a gorgosaurus.
§ 03.22.06 – “…a groundbreaker, rule breaker and chair breaker.
§ 03.29.06 – “…a captain of industry, king of comedy and lord of the dance.
§ 04.05.06 – “…a commandant, debutante and croissant.
04.12.06 – “…a connoisseur, saboteur and conifer.
§ 04.19.06 – “…a role model, fashion model and scale model.
§ 05.10.06 – “…a pundit, a punster and a punch bowl.
§ 05.17.06 – “…the man of the hour, the soup of the day and the freak of the week.
§ 05.24.06 – “…a baker, a smoker and a friar.
05.31.06 – “…a businessman, congressman and talisman.
§ 06.07.06 – (a slightly different variation) “…to devote his life to helping the helpless, cheering the cheerless, and minding the mindless.
06.21.06 – “…an archetype, a prototype and a daguerreotype.
06.28.06 – “…a Ph.D, a maitre d and a DVD.
07.05.06 – “…an alpha male, a beta tester and a gamma globulin.
07.12.06 – “…a podcaster, a newscaster and a Stratocaster.
07.19.06 – “…a trailblazer, a hell-raiser and a turbo laser.
07.26.06 – “…a performance artist, a Foley artist and a con artist.
08.02.06 – “…a Transylvanian, a transvestite and a Transformer.
§ 08.09.06 – “…a globe-trotter, a day-tripper and a chicken tractor.
08.16.06 – “…an electrical engineer, a software engineer and a train engineer.
§ 08.23.06 – “…an overlord, an undertaker and a middleman.
08.30.06 – “…a tyrant, a typist and a tie rack.
09.06.06 – “…a handyman, a handicapper and a handmaiden.
09.13.06 – “…a pioneer, a mountaineer and a puppeteer.
09.20.06 – “…a commander, a commando and a commandant.
§ 09.27.06 – “…a warlock, a warlord and a war bride.
10.04.06 – “…an avatar, a superstar and a scimitar.
10.11.06 – “…a forerunner, a forefather and a forester.
10.18.06 – “…a name-dropper, a beat-dropper and an eyedropper.
10.25.06 – “…a collector, a director and a midnight specter.
11.01.06 – “…a prophet, a profiteer and a prophylactic.
11.08.06 – “…a sysadmin, a sysop and a systole.” (This is where Lore shows his joke-writing superiority to mere mortals like me. I would’ve ended this one with “a twisted sister”.)
11.15.06 – “…a gadfly, a gadabout and a gadget.
11.22.06 – “…a family man, a family practice physician and a family tree.
§ 11.29.06 – “…self-actualized, self-interested and self-cleaning.
12.06.06 – “…an assassin, an assistant assassin and an associate assistant assassin.
§ 12.13.06 – “…a superhero, a supervisor and a superconductor.
12.20.06 – (Christmas edition, obviously) “…a Scrooge, a Grinch and a Cold Miser.
§ 12.27.06 – “…a visionary, a secretary and a cassowary.
§ 01.03.07 – (a Very Special Episode) “…to learn that while civet cats are not technically members of the weasel family, “weasel” is a funny word.
01.10.07 – “…to enjoy the odd Giants game, even though that Coca-Cola skeleton out past left field is kind of creepy.
01.17.07 – “…to procure seven patents on the manufacture and installation of cybernetic implants for North American carnivores.” (It was at this point that I realized that Lore was beginning to bore with the standardized joke formula, which was good, because I had begun to regret copying them sometime in 12.06.)
01.24.07 – “…an edgerunner, a decker and a street samurai.
01.31.07 – (for a Photoshop article) “…a world-class bodybuilder, if you believe the photo he puts up at dating sites.
02.07.07 – “…a ruffian, a roughneck and a ruffed grouse.
02.14.07 – (for a Time Travel topic)”…a parent at some point in the future, apparently.
02.21.07 – “…to amass an impressive collection of remote controls.
02.28.07 – “…a participant in a reality show called “reality.”
03.07.07 – “…to defend the Nintendo Virtual Boy against all who would defame its legacy.
03.14.07 – “…to devote his life to the search for the perfect remote control.” (oddly related to 02.21.07)
03.21.07 – “…to learn that he’s living in a virtual reality created by evil ColecoVisions.” (this guy knows his obsolete video game systems)
§ 03.28.07 – “…an ecologist, an economist and an egotist.
§ 04.04.07 – “…nearsighted, shortsighted and excited.
04.11.07 – (for a Body-Mod article)”…to have an actual “dessert stomach” implanted.
04.18.07 – “…an artist, an artisan and an artichoke.
04.25.07 – “…to bequeath 20 Nerd Points to anyone who gets the “crop duster” joke.” (20 points for me, although I also ROFLMAOed for five minutes at his use of the phrase “spermicidal linebackers”)
05.02.07 – “…a shopper, a shopkeeper and a shop teacher.
05.09.07 – “…a webslinger, a gunslinger and a mudslinger.
05.16.07 – “…a supervillain, a superintendent and a supermodel.” (compare to 12.13.06)
05.23.07 – “…to write this with the help of his friends on IRC. Thanks, guys!
05.30.07 – “…a typist, a typographer and a Typhoid Mary.
06.06.07 – “…to embed his name in everything he owns, even fresh produce.
06.13.07 – “…a crime fighter, a street fighter and a Foo Fighter.
06.20.07 – (for ‘Conditions of Online Kookery’) “to suffer from at least two of the above afflictions.” (So why did he fail to include ‘Plagiaristic Blog Research Syndrome?)

Born two weeks premature, Wendell Wittler eventually overcame this handicap to become consistently tardy for everything.

3 Comments (so far) about

"Alt-Lore"

  1. Miss Cellania Says:

    I have never taken any blog more seriously then yours.

  2. Miss Cellania Says:

    I am totally aware and ashamed of using “then” for “than”.

  3. Wayde Says:

    Have to agree, his posts are always good! And he does seem to have an intimate knowledge of gaming systems that most dont…

Your Turn...

You can use these HTML elements without blowing things up: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

AND NOW A WORD FROM SOMEBODY WHO MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME...