March 2009

2009
Mar
22

Days of the Week: Sunday

Slept until Noon, and 15 minutes after turning on my compy to do some under-the-hood work on the blog(s), I realized the Essential Truth About Sunday: It is NOT a good day to do anything requiring the use of the brain. Which explains why Church, Pro Football and “Desperate Housewives” are on Sunday.

AND NOW A WORD FROM SOMEBODY WHO MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME...
2009
Mar
17

Could These Be The Last Of My 2008 Tweets?

I fully support decriminalizing the act of tipping over TV newsvans – and not just during sports celebrations.

Beatles Songs About Video Games:
A Day in the Second Life
Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Donkey Kong
GLaDOS Onion
Baby You’re a Pac Man
Yellow Super Mario
Mean Mr. Mario
Lucy in the Sky With Tokens
Lady Madden
Only a Northern Pong

The peasants are always revolting. Even when they aren’t revolting. In fact, the peasants who never revolt are the most revolting.

Did you see those ‘Christians’ praying at the Wall Steet bull statue? It’s the 700 Billion Club!

News headline: “Joe the Plumber Hires Publicist.” Josephine the Plumber hires divorce lawyer.

On Halloween night, it was good to know the Mars Phoenix was still active and ready to hand out Mars Bars to the little green men on the red planet.

Everybody knows that when John Hodgman says he’s a PC, he means a PC running Ubuntu Linux.

Why is it when I see the words “Ren Faire” I expect a John Kricfalusi Animation Festival?

Most of what we consider “web media” is what was previously “on TechTV after the Thunderbirds”.

I am 2 degrees from Steven Spielberg & Martin Scorsese (the DJ I sidekicked for was in films for both). But the fact that I ALMOST worked for Gary Owens makes me 2½ degrees from EVERYBODY.

Remember, you can’t FORCE anyone into working for the Common Good. But you can reward them. Or trick them.

I can’t listen to Claire de Lune without thinking of Victor Borge and his “Clear the Sallon” pun…

I guess it’s better to be a Maverick than a Lone Ranger, Rifleman, Cisco Kid, Hondo, Virginian, Cheyenne, Rawhide, Sugarfoot or Branded.

I’d rather “go vague” than “go rogue”. But I REFUSE to “go vogue”.

After Desktops and Laptops, the next breakthroughs in computer design will be Poptops, Tanktops and Muffintops.

When I’m not being strictly neutral, I’m mostly Anti-Biotic myself.

I avoid plagues like a cliché.

Free coffee for voting sounds like a bad idea. If you want to prevent post-election rioting, DON’T GET THE VOTERS WIRED.

Some men see things as they are and ask why, I dream things that never were and say, “hey, that just might work!”

They left in droves? I used to have a drove. It got terrible mileage.

“Hardware for out of the box ideas”??? But to ship, it needs to FIT IN THE BOX.

For their election coverage, CNN turned The Situation Room into a Holodeck? With Worf Blitzer?

You know those big empty square-ish states in the West? In 2012, they’ll be used to display Election Graphics…

If Obama’s election was a day of historical generational change, why did everybody commemorate it with a copy of Old Media?

Why do I think Prop 8 might have failed if George Takei had invited Shatner to his wedding? Trekkies are not to be messed with.

My mother was a librarian. Named Marian. Who career-shifted into classroom English teacher when “The Music Man” came out.

Money-making idea: Franchise chain named “That Thai Place Over on…”

I’m anticipating the first time the new President disappoints me so I can rename him Obummer.

I’d prefer a fuzzy range of social network relationships: Friend, Lover, Enemy, Just Here to Stare and Laugh, Friend With Benefits, Don’t Ask Me to Help You Move, Not Legal in California, Oh Yeah You’re THAT Guy, I Am Not YOUR Lawyer

The most important people have a very clear desk.” My desk is clear. I just can’t get to my desk past the piles on the floor.

At least it’s better to be NDA Redacted than NRA Redacted. You could shoot yourself! Or NBA Redacted. The dribbling is awful.

I thought of a maybe-new way to describe close-to-autistic motormouths: Rain-Manic.

New word for people who use twitter to tell everyone what they’re NOT doing: Twain’ts

ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN THING TO SAY DURING SEX: “I’m Twittering This”. WORST pop culture references during sex: “Git ‘Er Done”, “Talk to the hand” and of course, “You betcha”. ALL TIME WORST Pop Culture reference duiring sex: “I’ll be back” in a Schwarzenegger impression, especially from a woman.

Instead of borrowing Pepto from somebody, you should mind your own bismuth.

Competiton for Bugle Boy:
Bagel Boy for nice Jewish boys…
Beagle Boy for guys trying to break into Scrooge McDuck’s vault…
Bubble Boy for people who hate George Costanza…
Bible Boy for wearing at Jesus Camp…
Bangle Boy for dudes who walk like an Egyptian…
Buggle Boy for anyone who ever killed a radio star…

So, when Australia starts filtering the Internet, if you ask “Do you come from a land down under?” and get no response, that’s a yes.

Actually the plans to filter the Internet in Australia are just a way to avoid having to explain Vegemite for the millionth time.

Who started using the phrase “a touch of diarrhea”? Because even at its mildest, diarhhea does not “touch”. It SLAPS.

I tried a 3-column accounting method: Debit, Credit and Shoveit.

UnSummit? How about a Dummit, where speakers say what they usually wouldn’t and the audience can tell them they’re dumb. Or call it a Submit, a Sumup, a Sumthing, a Whatsit, a Singit, a Slamit or a Suckit.

“Heh heh, he said ‘stimulus package’, heh heh”. Sadly, for me “bailout” also has sexual connotations. And “subprime”. And “junk bond”. And “short selling”.

Lunch raises questions: If Mt. Olive is a brand of Pickles, is there a brand of Olives called Mt. Pickle?

Nobody makes “Modest Proposals” anymore… it has to be a “Bold Initiative”. Either that or “PANIC!”

No truth to the rumor that for a lunch on the run during a busy campaign, Obama would microwave a HOPE POCKET.

It’s true. My parents pressured me to bring home A’s, yet they weren’t happy in 1972 when I brought home Rollie Fingers.

Lesser Known Ancient Gods:
Schmucubus, the Ancient Etruscan God of Bad Sex and reason there aren’t any modern Etruscans…
Grandipidus, the Mesopotamian God of Bee’s Knees and Cat’s Pajamas…

It’s been 30 years since the Jonestown Massacre? Wow. And so many have drunk so much KoolAid since then and somehow survived…

Sadly, an entire generation has grown up thinking the Concord Grape has something to do with transatlantic flight…

I thought mixing Hamburger Helper with anything bought at Trader Joe’s was illegal in California…

I used to think AA batteries were for recovering alcoholics, AAA for Auto Club members, C for average folks, D for big boobs (open to interpretation).

Wish I could wear a kilt, but considering how off-kilter I am, I’d be constantly taking it off, right?

What’s a worse thing to be, a slacker or a panter?

…and all this time I thought the Church of Scientology was just the LDS on LSD.

NOBODY ever gets over Macho Grande. I can’t even get over the Del Taco Macho Nachos.

I never quite understood why Fantasy Bowling Leagues never caught on.

The more that the term CEO becomes synonymous for Scumbag, the more Bush’s original campaign promise to be “a CEO President” makes sense.

These days, when I hear a strange sound coming from my laptop, it means I’ve forgotten I have the Puppy Cam on in another tab…

Remember, Literacy /= Mathematical Competence /= Fiscal Responsibilty /= Ethical Judgment /= Common Sense (I could go on…)

I think naming the day after Christmas Boxing Day is much cooler than naming the day after Thanksgiving Black Friday.

The USofA has secrets that would shock, annoy or just amuse people of other countries. The 1st Amendment does not cover them.

We need a word for doing Teasers on Twitter… Tweasers? (ouch, it pinches)

2009
Mar
16

Jack… Off. (But in a nice way)

My last word about the Jack In The Box fast food chain for a while. I was actually semi-boycotting ol’ Jack-O while they were doing the distasteful “Hang In There Jack” campaign, but it turns out my speculation was half-right. The whole mess wasn’t a lead-in to a redesign of the Jack Box character, but just to a new logo. The old one I had previously parodied:
jackinacoma
But I think the new look of Jack’s new box is kind of cool, putting the name Jack right up front and right on a rounded box:
logo_jack-300
The JackInTheBox.com got a serious facelift too, and Jack’s Office has the beginnings of some fun content (Voice messages using Jack’s Voice… and Attitude! Just what you really don’t need!) Still, his deadpan delivery of lines like “Apparently I have widgets. Which I’m told is a good thing” shows that Good Old Jack is still in charge…

Anyway, I also like how Jack’s new logo can be… reimagined…
logowendell-300
I am sincerely considering making that the official site logo. Please leave comments to talk me out of it.

2009
Mar
12

Much More W Not So Much S

For those of you who are bemoaning not being able to attend SXSW this year, I’m offering a “virtual alternative”. Since here in the Central Coast part of California is as far SW as you can be in the US and still on dry land (It’s true! Look at the shape of California! San Diego is farther South, but quite a ways EAST!), I’ll be hosting a festival I call CCCXWWWW (Central California Coast by Wendell’s World Wide Web) or TAWTAABIWUAPBAA (Took A Wrong Turn At Albuquerque But I Wound Up At Pismo Beach After All). The major events include:

AGIFF (Arroyo Grande International Film Festival) in which they show every movie Zac Efron has ever appeared in (Midnight showing for “Hairspray” because, hey, it was John Waters’ idea)

MIMUPT (Madonna Inn Mens Urinal Peeing Triathalon) The World Famous Tourist Attraction (in the words of Dave Barry, I’m NOT making this up!) will pay host to competitions in (1) distance (2) accuracy (using that one red rock as the target) and (3) legible writing in a pile of artificial snow from the restaurant ice shaving machine. 18 or over admitted only.

WRHMCCF (William Randolph Hearst Memorial Conspicuous Consumption Festival, in the parking lot at Hearst Castle (to accommodate the Hummers and other massive SUVs), hosted by a group of White Collar Criminals on work release from the SLO Mens Colony.

Other side events will include a concert featuring all the American Idol runners-up who have never appeared at the Mid-County Fair (all 3 of them), an appearance at the Niblick Road McDonalds by the Hamburglar who will demonstrate to residents of the North County how to really pronounce “Robles”, and a tribute to Peter Cook (and Dudley Moore, if you insist) at the Frog and Peach pub where Frog ala Peche will be served and unidexters will get half-off.

I will also be leading excursions through the DMZ between SLO and Santa Barbara County to explore “Santa Maria, the Fresno of the Future” (at your own risk, of course).

wendellrednoseThe real reason I’m doing this is as a way to contribute to the Comic Relief Red Nose Day without having to (1) go to England (2) wear a clown nose or (3) give them money I don’t have. There are some intrepidinsane souls who are attempting a 24-hour webcast (as long as they don’t take the webcams with them for bathroom breaks, we might all get through this) for the cause, and various internet-based S.I.P.s (Somewhat Important People) are doing other things (which I hope the link above will keep track of). rednosenetlogoBut if you want contribute actual money (converted to British Pounds, because that’s where they’re based – you didn’t expect an American charity to actually do something cool, did you?) just click on this logo here and may I suggest an “admission fee” of $5 or £3 for each of the virtual events you wish to “attend”? (although the Hearst Conspicuous Consumption Event should be more)

Since there’s no way for me to actually know what you’re contributing to Comic Relief so feel free to leave a comment here with whatever lie you want to make or send a Twitter to @wendelldotme if you know how that works. Thank you, and I promise not to do anything like this for the rest of the year.

2009
Mar
11

Truth In Truckin’

I only see things like this when I go out without a camera (and I just recently acquired a Flip Video thingy for the purpose of catching everything… it was safely in the pocket of the jacket I didn’t put on)…

Remember during the ’70s Energy Crisis when you’d see big trucks with signs on the back saying “TO CONSERVE FUEL, THIS VEHICLE WILL NOT BE DRIVEN OVER 55 MPH”? I saw one still in use today on a truck on Highway 101. But with a small change: the “55” had been replaced with “90”. (And, yes, it was going slightly less than 90.)

Mar
11

25 Things About Skittles NOT!!!

Some of the memes that get created and propagated on Twitter and other “Web Social Media Site Thingies” are good, but it always seems the worst of them that rise to the top. Obvious case: the Facebook “25 Things About Me” version of the previous “5 Things About Me” blog chain letter. And the Twitterizing of Skittles candies… or is that the Skittlizing of Twitter? Still in the battle for #hashtag supremacy (if you don’t know, don’t ask), the tale of the #giantblueglowingcock (Watchmen gone pr0n) does rule. Of course, I’ve heard of several other bloggers getting many visitors from searches for “Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis”, but would I do something like that just to get traffic? Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis. Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis. Any questions?

I’ve kind of appreciated the 140-character limit for helping to train me to avoid my usual excessive pun-on sentence – with hyphens (and parentheses) and any other available device to stretch out a single thought to its tensile limit OR to string multiple concepts together without giving the reader a chance to catch his/her breath, which is usually not my grammatical error, rather my personal style and a declaration of my personal sadistic attitude toward the hapless reader. There, I’ve said it.

So, when given the following challenge by the lovely, talented and standards-compliant Molly Holzschlag challenged me: “Finish this statement for me, but with only one (as in 1) tweet: “If everything is funny, then [add answer here]””

Of course, I had a bunch of possible answers:

“If everything is funny, nothing is all that scary”

“If everything is funny, the people who take things too seriously are the funniest”

“If everything is funny, comic relief actors are out of work”

“If everything is funny, satirists are doomed”

“If everything is funny, I should be allowed to laugh at everything!”

2009
Mar
8

ReTweeting Myself (Old News Edition)

Gee that sounds a lot dirtier than it is… OR IS IT?

Remember, only half of what I say is serious, the rest is just getting your attention. YOUR job is figuring out what’s in which category.

Is it just me or has LateNightDave been lately turning into a Cranky Old Man lately? Maybe he’s getting ready to replace Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes.

If they do hold untelevised debates, they’ll probably be Town Halls held in Mayberry, Sunnydale, Jericho, Springfield, Smallville and South Park.

(for a Political Rock Band meme…)
The Debatles?
The Moody Blue States and Simply Red States
The U2 Party System
Wilson Ticket or Hank Ballot
(with apologies) Rowe Diddley
And how did I miss… The Al Green Party?

Further research shows that many twitter users confuse “Lord of the Flies” and “Lord of the Rings” with hilarious results.

My four-letter desination on the Meyer-Brigges scale spells “DORK”. Is that unusual?

How to tell things are REALLY bad.
My additions: #11 Apple starts selling REAL APPLES.
#12 Michael Richards replace that OTHER Cramer and nobody notices.
#13 McDonalds’ Monopoly Game files for Chapter 11

Hasn’t Science debunked the theory of Identical Cousins yet? Or are they still working on disproving Talking Horses?

“breast cancer awareness Canadian quarter”: finally recognizing the massive overlap between coin collectors and fondlers.

For HEADLINE FRIDAY competition: “Palin says God blessed America with oil and gas.”
…before he knew who was going to move there.
At a loss why He blessed Iran and Saudia Arabia with even more.
That’s in the little-sung thirteenth verse of the Irving Berlin song.
Which is why there’s NO SMOKING in Church.
So they have the wrong stuff in the baptism pools?
And cursed us with phone and cable.
And after that burrito, I feel especially blessed.
…but incredibly had nothing to do with washing your windshield.
(my favorite) Palin family gathers at drug store to praise Alli.

We all construct our own reality. Some of us just use better raw materials.

Yeah, I’m a PC… A PC-13 to be more precise. Brief, non-frontal nudity, mild violence and no more than 2 uses of the F-word.

If you manage it right, the rectal exam portion of your 15 minutes of fame is less than 3 minutes.

Everytime I see Thomson Seedless Grapes I think of Warren Zevon’s “Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner”. Is that wrong?

I used to think the First Captain of the Enterprise was Adam Smith.

I think I have set a personal Multi-Tasking record: 6 things at once (if you include spider killing and peeing)

I’ve been a couponer since they were made from bearskin. Much harder to clip back then.

Headline: “Man Nabbed With Frozen Shrimp in Pants” He had learned much from the time he was caught with live lobsters.

And I though Harry Proboscis was a former Prime Minister of Greece.

Reacting to “Blogs are Dead” article I just wrote: “This will be neither the first nor last time I commit an act of necromedia.” I amuse me.

“The founding fathers knew not to trust the populous” That’s why they owned slaves.

If I read the news correctly, Rackspace has just acquired every rack on rateyourrack.com?

If only all political attack ads started with “yo mama”, the world would be a better place.

I, for one, have a lot easier time working with Socialists than Antisocialists.

Penguins make bad movies tolerable and good movies better. Penguins are the Bacon of the cinematic animal world. It’s an interesting coincidence that you can kill yourself as slowly with a penguin as with bacon.

(to creator of NETTUTS.com) I know TUTS is short for TUTORIALS, but you keep giving me a Steve Martin “King Tut” earworm… Born in Babylonia, moved to Arizona. And if I TRY to pronounce it “toots”, the voice of George Carlin saying “Toots, meet Tits. Tits, meet Toots” comes back to me.

After 10+ days, many Dunkin non-jelly Donuts are more durable than the standard spare tires in most GM models – Consumer Retorts

Why isn’t there any Amateurzac™?

Remember, a rising tide raises some boats, swamps the well-anchored ones, drowns waders and washes lifeguard stands out to sea.

I’ve heard some reporters say a wineglass is an essential reporter’s tool. But then they’re unessential reporters. And tools.

Used to be afraid to shop at Target in the old Cold War days. If the Russians attacked, they’d first hit the buildings with bullseyes on ’em

The 3 Basic Rules of Synchronization are: Location, Location, Location. Or rather: LLLooocccaaatttiiiooonnn.

Most of the opposition to Socialism comes from Anti-Socialists (in the psychological meaning of the term).

Why do I keep thinking “Joey Pants” was the sequel to “Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat “??

The endless “Saw” sequels are like the very definition of things you can’t Un-see. See? See Saw. Been There. Seen Saw. So sowwy.

Did you know that mixing Free Love and Tie Die was the Number One cause of injury among hippies between 1966 and 1970?

Billy Mays doesn’t so much ‘pitch’ as he ‘heaves’ toward home plate.

I once had a place with a floor-to-ceiling fireplace. But that was only WHILE it was burning down.

I took a course in Swamp Management in college, so I am well qualified to run a muck.

There’s a reason Xanax starts and ends with an X. Like Xerox. I once got them mixed up. Results were definitely NOT pretty.

I thought “Succubucks” was the name of a VERY successful chain of coffee houses…

When you say “I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else” you insult one-legged people (and men in kilts)

“Venture Philanthropy” sounds promising… but watch out if he ever announces “Venture Philanthropy Vista”.

It’s called “the Government” when it’s oppressing you, when it’s oppressing people you don’t like, it’s “the Community”.

I like fractals. Without fractals, the characters on Battlestar Galactica would have nothing to say when they’re pissed.

It can’t be repeated too often: DO NOT Tweet while Driving, Bike Riding, Walking, Drinking, Using the Toilet or Toenail Clipping.

2009
Mar
6

01ne out of 5ive

I’m still a semi-fan of Merlin Mann in spite of his recent obsession with people who get obsessed with buying expensive cameras, and I really really wish he hadn’t stopped updating his “5ives” site, which was having fun with numbered lists years before it became annoyingly ubiquitous.

Still, as with many such lists (I’m looking at you Letterman), many of the lists of five had one item which stood head-and-shoulders above the others, and it wasn’t often the one numbered 1.

So as a public service to those of you who don’t want to go through the six years of archives, and to inform Mr. Mann what kind of things he should rank higher if he ever starts 5ives-ing again (and to give me a way to recycle a large quantity of someone else’s funny without being accused of plagiarism), I present the Top 01nes of Merlin Mann’s 5ives:

01ne terrible fake name for a James Bond movie
3. Tumbler of Bullets

01ne $#!++y band that play the lounge in that hotel near your airport
5. The Feelin’ Fines

okay, 01ne other $#!++y band that play the lounge in that hotel near your airport
3. Fünk Mechanicz!

01ne thing anyone in earshot should legally be permitted to do to a car when its alarm is falsely blaring
3. Break into trunk, fill with AOL® discs

01ne fake name I like to give at restaurants
1. Mr. Bob Dobalina

01ne terribleperfect fake name for your new pleasure boat
1. Papa’s Li’l Cry for Help

01ne piece of never-passed legislation proposed by Mr. Bush
1. Protection of Words Fewer than Three Syllables Act

01ne comic strip character I loathe
5. Dead Grandpa (Family Circus)

01ne great thing about southern Ohio
1. You get a basement

01ne terribleLOL fake name for a James Bond women
3. Badonka Donk

01ne terriblekinda fun fake name for feminine hygiene products
2. Dressy Drawers

01ne dotcom term that stillwill ALWAYS make me cringe
1. monetize

01ne ass-related word I think I use a lot
2. asshat (n.) – willfully ignorant person

also, 01ne ass-related word I think I use a lotnot nearly enough
1. metric assload (n.) – a lot

01ne stage name I’d consider if I ever became a singing drag queen
5. Margarita Salt

01ne thing I fear I might do if I were a ten-foot-tall monster with metal claws, laser beam eyes, and razor-sharp fangs
1. Undertake bloody rampage on the set of The View

01ne thing I’d like to see engraved on little rubber bracelets
1. nap strong

01ne terrible fake 60’s dance craze
5. The McNamara

01ne California city that sounds kind of dirty
1. Coalinga

01ne terrible fake secret about Seals & Crofts
2. In industry circles, Seals was rumored to have been behind an abortive plot to whack Bread, America, and Poco

01ne reason the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
4. those delicious steak fries

01ne terrible fake pledge-week special on PBS
3. Gwen Ifill leads a group of American schoolchildren on a field trip to the Beijing factory where your tote bag was manufactured

01ne song I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
5. “Theme from Laverne & Shirley

01ne terrible fake reality TV show
2. Project Segway

01ne unusual Top Chef production crew title
5. Clog Wrangler

01ne terrible fake Jane Austen novel
4. Funk and Functionality

2009
Mar
2

Twitterer’s Digest IV (not intravenous)

In which I get my repurposed Twitterings pretty much caught up and prepare to return to more “blogging as usual”, whatever that is:

Stimulusdebate quote: “restart the American prosperity engine.” But it’s like a car I used to have. It’ll restart but stall again after a few blocks.

If you ever fall to temptation ay Baskin-Robbins, you can always say “I said no to 30 out of 31 flavors… well, 29”.

Okay, “King”, I’ve had Angry Whoppers 2 different places. One was angrier than other. Are you zoning for jalapeno tolerance?

This Is Why You’re Fat.com? Honestly, it isn’t. Really. I am definitely fat, and almost everything in that blog looks totally disgusting to me. It’s the stealth calories that made me too much of what I am… “but a Taco Salad can’t be that fattening… It’s a salad!”

Everybody cut foot loose? I tried that once, but the surgeons reattached it.

I keep thinking “shouldn’t that be Australian BRushfires?” but no, it’s in the Australian Bush. And Bushfires don’t care about black or white people.

The way I heard it, the Energizer Bunny was working together with the Morton “Rains/Pours” Girl on a case of a salt and battery.

Yes, Twitter is a Family Medium… that includes Sly and the Family Stone, the Addams Family and the Manson Family.

“Twitter is Conversation Squared” or conversation cubed or conversation rounded or conversation rounded down or conversation times pi or the cotangent of conversation.

I personally find “25 Random Things About Me” to be 26 Things Too Many!

Why can’t I look at the word lobotomy without immediately thinking of the “bottle in front o’ me” pun? I must be seriousophobic.

And Chinese LOLCATs go “LMAO!”

I thought SoccerMoms were the ones who kicked their kids around without using their hands (and HockeyMoms use sticks).

“Octomom” sounds like a Spiderman villain? They’re rewriting the Spidey4 script at this very moment.

In America we believe in learning from others’ mistakes so that we can duplicate them perfectly.

For #followfriday, I follow @thesun @themoney @myheart @up and @jaylenoonmostofthesesamestations

My 10,000th Tweet: Where does a 10,000 pound canary perch? Anywhere it wants. What does a 10,000 pound canary say? TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.

The pun is mightier than the s-word, or even the f-word.

BSG quote: “Does the pot say to the potter why hast though made me thus?” If your pot is talking to you, time to put the bong down Phelps.

There’s a #hashtagmafia on Twitter?!? That explains why somebody left the head of the Fail Whale in my bed.

Most of the buckets on my bucket list are currently in use catching rain leaking through the roof. Need a waterproof file list.

My contributions to a Tank Pun War:
Q: What do you call nostagia for tank warfare? A: Tanks for the memories.
Q: What to you call the soldier who sits on top of the tank? A: A tank top.
Q: What do they call an armored vehicle with an inebriated driver? A: A drunk tank.

Considering “Sham” is part of the product’s name, isn’t “ShamWow imitator” kind of redundant?

Major Bugaboo was a character in a supposed Gilbert & Sullivan operetta that was found to actually be written by Ogden Nash.

The winners don’t usually write the history books until they’re through shredding the books written by the losers.

Costco has more shoppers who suffer from terminal levels of “Entitlement” than any other store.

“What if everything collapses?” Then we get a truly even playing field. Flat, that is.

A Babylon 5 Fan is:
Somebody who believes Wil Wheaton is just a Bill Mumy wannabee.
Somebody who wakes up every morning with Centauri hair.
Somebody who believes Mira Furlen was the best thing ever to happen to “Lost”.
Somebody who prefers Walter Koenig without the cheezy accent.
Somebody who would rather be a Ranger than a Jedi.
Somebody who knows “No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There’s always a boom tomorrow. Boom, sooner or later…Boom!”
Somebody who knows somebody (or has been somebody) exactly like Zathras.

Change of subject: A Farscape fan is someone who is not afraid of Muppets.
Or someone who’d rather be Frelled than Frakked.

I have never known an Ayn-Rand-loving Independent Contractor who didn’t overcharge for shoddy work.

Las Vegas is “America’s Emptiest City”? Sure, after Wall Street made investing the same as gambling it was inevitable.

The Bumper Sticker Remix Challenge:
“I’m so far behind, I’ve lapped myself”
“Say ON to Dyslexia”
“Irreverent Never Regrets”
“If it ain’t broke, you’re not using it enough”
“Mistakes Were Maid”
“A Breakfast Without Orange Juice Is An Early Lunch”
“If It’s Crappy and You Know It, Poop Your Pants!”
“My Grown Kid Was An Honor Student And Still Makes Less Than I Did At The Same Age”
but sometimes, a bumper sticker remix can go horribly wrong: “Jesus Is Coming… Zoom In For The Money Shot”

When StarWars was just starting out, I wrote a little satirical sci-fi: “Darth Nader, Interplanetary Consumer Advocate”. If I’d known then where both of those personalities would end up…

Wonder what would happen if you mixed Mighty Putty with Silly Putty. Something Mighty Silly I guess.