February 2009


From That Memorable Year – LAST!

Some more Twitter recycling. (I am honestly catching up; this will not go on forever)

You’ve reached the pinnacle, the peak, the acme, the apex, the ceiling, the crest, the zenith. Or maybe the pinochle, the peek, the acne, the apteryx, the sealing, the crust, the xerox.

It’s a flavor explosion! Or a flavor meltdown! Or a flavor mix that gets hot, starts foaming and strips the wax off your table

When I’m in line behind people having a conversation in another language, I always act like I understand what they’re saying. I look attentive, nod, occasionally mumble “uh huh”… it usually keeps them from talking about ME…

Another Economic Bill passed Congress – with amendments: the Financial Utility Buffering Act Revised – FUBAR.

I never got really questioned my sexuality. I let my ex-wife do it.

Lawyer jokes? This is taking attorney for the worse.

Rapture Counter-Argument: We’re NOW in the Tribulations, Rapture already occurred, but so few people made the cut it wasn’t noticed.

Aren’t “one in the same” and “one and the same” pretty much one and the same? This concludes today’s episode of SmartAss Corner

Actors from Mad Men can only appear on other shows set in the present if they wear “mirror universe” beards. Yes, the women too.

Why is it always “Wall Street vs. Main Street”? What about Wisteria Lane, Broadway, Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., Primrose Lane, 57th Street, Sunset Boulevard, Route 66, Pacific Coast Highway, Skid Row and Drury Lane (does anybody care about The Muffin Man’s business)?

Keeping my money under my mattress? Well, let’s just say I’m heavily invested in Comfort Foam.

For Urban School-Age LOLCATS, the Itteh Bitteh Citteh Kitteh Committeh…

(Sept. 28, 2008) “Yesterday’s economic bailout talks were propelled by the need to act swiftly, before McCain wakes up from his nap…”

Like Deepak Tupak in the ad, I’m a human being, not a human doing. More like a human lying on my ass.

I told the guys at CERN “you’re making it too hadron yourself…”

I thought tacky-on particles were what FARK’s content is made of…

L&O Spinoffs:
Years ago I proposed a show about a crime team stationed in a Ford Explorer: “Law & Order: SUV”
If Jerry Orbach was so important to the franchise, then they need “Law & Order: The Broadway Musical”
Based on the “broken windows” policy in NYC, there should be “Law & Order: Extremely Petty Crimes Unit”
“Law & Order: NASDAQ” would have the weekly “who killed the high tech startup?” They’ll never run out of stories.
If they’re going to keep doing stories ‘ripped from the headlines’, they’ll need both “Law & Order: NY Times” & “Law & Order: NY Post”
Considering what NBC really really really needs to save the network: “Law & Order: Cosby” Oh, that’s right, they already did “Cosby Mysteries”. Then how about “Law & Order: Cheers”?
One more in potential bad taste: “Law & Order: WTC”, the serialized story of investigators who are STILL trying to figure out 9/11

I’ve never been a Smooth Operator. Do you need a license to operate a Smooth?

If it weren’t for Gaffers, we would never have any Blooper Reels, right?

The Perfect Tweet: “Traffic stopped, iPhone down, Palin idiot, stock crashed, doc says cancer but new sushi place great!”

The difference between “I <3 the 80s" and "I <3 the 80s 3D"? The illusion that it's closer than it really is?

@wordpress I don't wanna go to WordCamp! I wanna stay WordHome with my WordFriends and sleep in my own WordBed!

You know Mexican Coca-Cola factories still use cane sugar? Right now, I think it's smuggled into Calif. more than the other Coke.

Don Rickles never made it into the "Rat Pack"; he had a totally other Pack of his own. Every time I'd hear the name of one of the other comedians who "liked to hang out with Don" I was surprised… Don Adams, Tim Conway, Bob Newhart… THAT's a Pack. A Hockey Puck Pack.

name drop: I grew up in the San Fernando Valley two blocks from the house Tim Conway bought when he got his first acting job and never moved out of.

I once took solace. They made me put it back.

Did I miss the Twittermeme of the Day? [Substitute Hobo for Hero] I guess it'd take a hoboic effort to find one that hasn't already been done….
But did anyone mention the Greek historian Hobotocus? Or Hoba, the Goddess of Love and Marriage?
Did anybody admit to being addicted to hoboin?
How about the wading bird, the Great Blue Hobon?
Or the wrestler-turned-actor Dwayne ThoBock Johnson?
Would mentioning the Jeep Chobokee be taking this too far?
Still, I'll bet hoboes put off strong phobomones…
Getting a little obscure: Hobophilos
What about the other side? Hobos and Violins? Hobos and Vermins? Hobos and Vulcans? Hobos and Millions?

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: JOE SIX-PACK NEEDS A 12-STEP.

I blame kitties for our current economic crisis with their Adjustable Rate Litterboxes and Derivative Scratching Posts.

The disturbing part is the first thing I noticed about “FLILF” is that it’s a palindrome.

Why am I having such trouble with the acronyms/ initials of current TV shows? T:SCC is obviously Truthiness: Stephen Colbert’s Cribs

Life in a non-battleground state is relatively free of bomb craters, unexploded ordinance and unapproved messages.

I support Human Clowning. As for cloning, it’s the least fun reproductive method I can think of.

The failure of current food technology: “Tasty nutritious pellets.” Pick any two.

Weather finally cooling… a good sign because I’m overheated, undermotivated, overcarbonated and underdressed.

How was it the “Dean Scream” destroyed his candidacy but none of McCain’s strange noises have done him any electoral damage? Oh, yeah, that’s right, only Republicans are allowed to be inarticulate… and adulterers.

What’s the opposite of a Mountain Dew? Mountain Don’t? Canyon Dew? Prairie Dust?

CLICHE DEBUNKING: I’ve been up all night (not sick and not drunk), and it does get noticeably less dark in the last hour before dawn.

Land-O-Lakes is the Official Cheese of LOL.

I had enough trouble accepting “The Green Burrito” as not advertising moldy food, but “Pink Taco”? Like Hooters South of the Border?

My favorite Scanahoovian-sounding word is Bösendorfer. It’s a brand of piano but could be almost anything! The ship docks at Bösendorfer. He acts like a real Bösendorfer. OW! You hit me in the Bösendorfer! The Bösendorfer comes through here every night. Keep off the Bösendorfer! The Bösendorfer Effect. Death by Bösendorfer.

Gibson? Which one? William, Charlie, Mel, Henry, Deborah-formerly-Debbie, John, Don or Hoot? (Henry’s my favorite)

Why hasn’t some Safe Sex advocate ever hired This Old Master Carpenter Norm Abrams to do his “safety glasses” speech reworded for condoms?

Are you sure that’s your biological clock ticking? It could be your biological hard drive about to fail…

“Tragically delicious” is the advertising line for Yucky Charms.


Twitterer’s Digest #Tres

…and it seemed to disappear without a trace for a while, didn’t it? No such luck, I have so many short shots to shoot…

If Anne Frank had had an iPhone, she’d have gotten about four Tweets out before the Nazis would’ve found her.

I thought “Clean Coal” was what Santa gave to White-Collar Naughty Kids.

And the Watchmen Babies movie will be AFTER the “Electric Boogaloo” sequel, right?

I agree it really IS a private matter, but let me be the first to say: Coming Soon from Apple – the iLiver

But carbon footprint analysis is always done sitting down, so it should be “carbon buttprint”.

NC-17? I have ideas that would be rated at least NC-35.

(Contributing to a “Blonde Jokes” challenge… yes, I can be shameless)
Did you hear about the blonde who won a gold medal at the Olympics? She was so proud, she had it bronzed.
What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blond hair? Last year’s Hide and Seek champion.
Why didn’t the blonde make it as a helicopter pilot? When her hair got messed up, she switched off the ceiling fan.
Then there was the blonde who asked Tiger Woods if Golf Balls were as painful as Tennis Elbow…

This is a Test of the Emergency Bacon System. If this had been an actual emergency, you’d be toast, not bacon.

“phishing”, “trolling”… is there any way of Harvesting the Bounties of the Sea that ISN’T a bad thing on the Web?
“-casting” is okay, if you like pods.

Time is NOT on MY side. But then I’ve rarely been allied with the Stones.

I cringe at most Obamerchandise, but love the shirt that reads “Obama-Bama-Bo-Bama Banana-Fana-Fo-Fama Fe-Fi-Fo-Fama OBAMA”. But on an Adult shirt, please. Don’t put your opinions on your kids’ clothing – you will both regret it someday.

Some things I react to the same way Pavlov’s Dog reacted to Schrodinger’s Cat. Or not.

“New housing development called AltaVista.” Nice place – if you can find it. Doesn’t show up on Google Maps.

The saddest thing about not believing in Life After Death? Knowing that those who do won’t even get the chance to be disappointed.

Of course, Canadians call “Canadian Bacon” Back Bacon. Which I guess makes American Cheese what? Front Cheese? Instead of “Freedom Fries”, the Francophobes should’ve allowed the renaming of French Fries “Side Fries”. Nationalist Food is Fun!

If Katie Couric does a newscast in the timeslot that’s usually “New Adventures of Old Christine”, will anyone notice the difference?

On Twitter there is no ‘day’ or ‘night’, just hours when only drunks in America and workers in Asia are Tweeting.

BSG SPOILER: They discover there was a SEVENTH Cylon… but never learn whether it was Pete Best, George Martin or Billy Preston.

We’re all Evolutionists here, because there is NO Intelligent Design on the Web.

Theodore Sturgeon did say that 90% of everything is crap. Although it can also be said that 90% of Theodore Sturgeon is decomposed.

Here’s an easy prediction: after all this “everybody cuts staff by 10%”, in 6-9 months, there will be a flurry of “oops”-based re-hiring.
Easy prediction #2: the minor bounce back in employment will make many “experts” think the worst is over. It won’t be.

In addition to Grande size, I’d like to see a Gandhi size for those of us fasting. (Fast food? That’s an oxymoron)

I prefer pronouncing Route as “root”, as in “The Hollywood Freeway is the Route of All Evil”.

I live just off Highway 101 and sometimes wish I had a big programmable sign to point at the traffic:
TO L.A.?

Yes, yes, I know “only Nixon could go to China”… but why the @#$% did he have to come BACK?

My favorite Pun Fight is the Fish Pun Fight, just for the Halibut…
Holy mackerel and may cod save my sole, my puns are roughy trade, turbot-charged with bass boost and can be smelt for miles.
From my lofty perch on Pike’s Peak, I can tell you’re in a real pickeral, feeling a little eel with nothing moray to say.
Don’t let the dory hit your bass on the ray out.
I’m hard albacore and bullheaded enough to carp and sturgeon this until the cowfish come home.
I’m no heart sturgeon, just a clownfish.
And I can be rather shellfish and crabby, so maybe I should clam up before I get scalloped.

New Ad Slogan for Arizona Tourism: “The Home of Second Place Finishers. (McCain, the Cardinals) Make Us the Second Place You Visit”

Some of us barely have paradigms to rub together.

My brain space is invaded so much, I should just put up a toll booth.

Instead of firing Michael Phelps, Kelloggs should have sent him to their more-stoner-friendly Keebler cookie division: “Dude, I see elves!”

If A-Roid breaks Barry Bonds’ home run record, will he get TWO asterisks?

Does it seem inevitable that one of “Octomom’s” umpteen kids will sooner or later be adopted by Angelina Jolie?

I hate people using the phrase “raped my childhood”. Most of the ‘outrages’ they complain of are really no worse than “inapropriately touching my childhood”.

So a/s/l now stands for Angry Southern Leprechaun?

I should add “Community Disorganizer” to my job titles.


How Could They Omit the Frogs?

Time again for the Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year, which I usually end up doing a post on MetaFilter about, but based on what went from the Longlist to the Shortlist this year, I don’t think I can honestly call it the Best of the Web.

Here are the finalists which I have put in order from my favorite to “they consider this ODD?”

Curbside Consultation of the Colon: 49 Clinical Questions by Brooks D Cash (SLACK Incorporated)

Baboon Metaphysics by Dorothy L Cheney and Robert M Seyfarth (University of Chicago Press)

The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-Milligram Containers of Fromage Frais by Professor Philip M Parker (Icon Group International)

The Large Sieve and its Applications by Emmanuel Kowalski (Cambridge University Press)

Techniques for Corrosion Monitoring by Lietai Yang (Woodhead)

Strip & Knit with Style by Mark Hordyszynski (C&T)

Let’s face it, the alliteration pushes “Curbside Consultation of the Colon” over the top but “Baboon Metaphysics” is close behind (I have to wonder if Dorothy the co-author is related to a certain other famous Cheney) But here are several titles from the previously released “Long List” that deserve more to be on the “Short List” than the other four (I mean, haven’t we ALL stripped and knitted at least once?):

God or a Bench: Sculpture As a Problematic Art During the Ancien Regime by Anne Betty Weinshenker (Peter Lang Publishing Group)

alldogshaveadhdAll Dogs Have ADHD by Kathy Hoopman (Jessica Kingsley)

Christian Texts for Aztecs
by Jaime Lara (University of Notre Dame Press)

Insects Are Just Like You and Me Except Some of Them Have Wings by Kuzhali Manickavel (Blaft)

Malformed Frogs by Michael J Lannoo (University of California Press)

The Emotional Life of Contemporary Public Memorials by Erika Doss (Amsterdam University Press)

The Industrial Vagina by Sheila Jeffreys (Routledge)

I think they had a quota of one for American University press, or else the Aztecs and the Frogs would’ve been shoo-ins. And maybe “All Dogs Have ADHD” was little too true to be odd. And maybe they were afraid of following up last year’s dubious winner, “If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs” with “The Industrial Vagina”. Still, odd is in the eye of the beholder.

And yes, those are all Amazon Affiliate links, but instead of paying $9,995.00 for “God or a Bench” (yes, that’s the price), for half that ($4,997.50), I will personally go wherever you are, read you any other book on the list AND build you a bench. If you can find a better deal… don’t bother me.


Future Man and the Attack of the PhotoSlop

In my web wanderings, I stumbled on this image being stored at “tinypic”
(It’s not tiny so I shrunk it to fit here; if you’re having trouble reading it, the original’s over here)

Personally, I don’t think that Twitter is the most retarded thing of the current era, (I Twitter frequently, and if you miss me here, check me out there) and I can come up with a lot of other things to fill those word balloons with. Here is just one:

There will be more. In the meantime, speaking of Twitter, the anticipation of the Big Deal that will be the premiere of The Watchmen Movie means that we can expect the Twitterverse to soon be filled with chirping about Owls vs. Bats, Giant Squids, Nixon and Dr. Manhattan’s Private Parts. So, I thought up an appropriate graphic accompaniment.


One more thing, as the cringeworthy saga/ad campaign of the Critically Injured Jack Box continues to careen deeper into the realm of really bad taste, may I recommend a little change in the fast food chain’s corporate branding:


Wieners and Losers

Just a couple totally trivial (and probably nutritionally awful) observations from the last time I had a hot dog.

Hot Dog Buns are truly the Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread, and please let’s get past the old mismatched-quantity-hot-dogs-vs-buns conundrum/standup-comedy-bit, since no matter how many wieners are in a package, the optimum for buns will always be a multiple of 4 (most often 8 or 12)*. Because here you have the buns, baked together in a block of four, and as you pull one from the block, you find it partially sliced in the middle so you can fold it open and drop in a wiener without separating the bun into two pieces. Who thought of that minor marvel of convenience? And who made it work (even if it doesn’t always work)? And why can’t I find a picture of one of these wondrous machines on the web? (I have found three patents for such machines, one from the 1950s, one from the 1970s and one from the 1990s, which means that hot dog bun slicing technology continues to move forward!)

On the other hand, one ‘modern convenience’ that simply does not work is the squeeze bottle of Pickle Relish. Dribbling pickle juice and a bottleneck of relish (no matter how large the opening) that always releases with a burst of way more relish than you really wanted (and not always where you wanted). There is no way to make this work, and I have tried them all. The pump dispensers at the hot dog stand outside Costco stores work well, but the smaller ones inside 7-11s, not so much (although I have not attempted to use one of those since before the Millennium, and the last time I did, the chili dispensing pump was also less than optimum). A Costco-sized relish dispenser is out of the question for me, so good pickle relish will always require a wide-mouthed jar and a utensil (Fork or spoon? I’m not partial to one or the other. I am proudly bi-utensilish, a true sporker).

And one more thing about relish. DILL Pickle Relish is always a special treat and a taste surprise, no matter how well you know in advance what you put on the hot dog/sandwich/hamburger in question. UNLESS you ONLY use Dill Relish; then, after a certain amount of time, your picklish appetite inevitably begins yearning for the sweet stuff.

And chunky salsa (fresh in the carton, not in the jar) can be an occasional substitute for fresh tomatoes, but that wears out its welcome rather quickly (less quickly if you use Mild Salsa, but I’ve always admitted to having Gringo Taste Buds).

*I finally came to accept the quantity mismatch as a Way of Life after I started buying Hebrew National Franks that are SEVEN to a package. Seven?!? And yes, I was brainwashed by their ad campaign claiming that their wieners were of a higher quality and purity because they were Kosher. Of course, there are other things blessed by Rabbis (circumcisions, the Israeli military, Woody Allen) that I am far more dubious of… Still, I like the flavor of Hebrew Nationals far more than Ball Park, Oscar Mayer or even Farmer John Dodger Dogs (forgive me Vin Scully, but Sandy Koufax would agree with me), and I feel less guilty with their 97% Fat Free Franks or even their (Kind Of) Reduced Fat Franks and wish they had similar alternatives for their Big Honkin’ Polish Sausages, which do come FOUR to a package.


Headline Amuse

I have previously mentioned the efforts by Josh Cagan to make Twitter a funnier place by tweeting news headlines matched up with one-liners (All in 140 characters? Impressive!). And recently he has recruited some of his jokier followers (and winners/runners-up of his Punchline Friday competition) to pass the baton (which is even harder than passing a stone) for Guestline Wednesday.

Since Wednesday IS Wendellsday, it was inevitable that I would be tapped (or whacked) for the honor, and this week was it. Despite a dearth of usable stories in the Odd News category, I was able to get into the hot topics (and the previous post was a spin-off of my topicality) and after clearing my throat/mind/spleen by chanting “BlagojovichBlagojovichBlagojovich”, I got into the Funny.

HEADLINE: “Hundreds of TV stations cut off analog signals” Most of which were NBC affiliates who decided “Why bother anymore?”

HEADLINE: “Facebook users protest site grabbing rights to photos and posts” Facebook just sold the movie rights to those protests to Fox.

HEADLINE: “Facebook Backs Down on Privacy Terms Change” …after getting a good look at some of the pictures they now have the rights to.

HEADLINE: “Chimp That Mauled Woman Was on Xanax” I’m sure I heard something about that in the disclaimers in the TV commercial…

HEADLINE: “Burris Admits Soliciting Funds for Blagojovich” But he believed he was in the clear as long as there was no blue dress involved.

(from Josh’s secret news ticker): “Cache of Ice Age Fossils Found in Los Angeles” Apparently attracted to Neil Diamond’s Grammy performance.

HEADLINE: “Los Angeles Nears Water Rationing” HEY! Bring those Ice Age Fossils back!!!

HEADLINE: “Half of Charges Against Pirate Bay Dropped” Now if convicted, they’ll only have to walk half a plank.

HEADLINE: “Sugar-sweetened Pepsi & Mt.Dew coming back under ‘Throwback’ brand” As opposed to their current products known as “Throw-Ups”…

HEADLINE: “New Barbie Doll Based on German Chancellor Angela Merkel” Since she’s a politician, they couldn’t call it an ‘Action Figure’.

HEADLINE: “NY Muslim TV Exec Accused of Beheading Wife” I knew someday those February Sweeps stunts would go too far..

HEADLINE: “Market Crash Leaves CNBC Anchors Speechless” Either that or their teleprompters got repossessed.

HEADLINE: “Arkansas Formally Forbids Non-Believers from Public Office” Because nobody can live in AK very long without NEEDING to pray.

HEADLINE: “Backward green comet makes one-time only visit” It’s probably come to return Perez Hilton to his home planet.

HEADLINE: “Geronimo’s Heirs Sue to Free Apache Chief’s Spirit” And I thought he predated cel phone contracts.

HEADLINE: “Wal-Mart Drops Price on Prepaid MoneyCard” They’re also discounting dollar bills with the picture of Sam Walton on them.

HEADLINE: “Clinton Warns North Korea Over Missile Test” …that it will count 20% toward its final grade.

HEADLINE: “McDonald’s Exec Eyes 500 Stores in China in 3 Years” …requiring Chinese beef industry to expand by at least 3 cows.

HEADLINE: “Westboro Baptist Plans Protest at Flight 3407 Memorial Services” Apparently thought the crashed plane’s “cockpit recorder” was too gay.

HEADLINE: “Watchmen Movie Promo Items Include Blue Condoms” They really know their target audience (1) Male… (2) Unlikely to have girlfriends who’d laugh at something like that (3) Likely to do a PeeWeeHerman during the Watchmen Movie

HEADLINE: “Lance Armstrong’s Custom Bike Stolen at Tour of California Race” What do they think it is, the tour of New Jersey?

HEADLINE: “AG Holder Says US a Nation of Cowards on Racial Matters” prompting everyone in the audience to immediately duck and cover.

HEADLINE: “NY Post Cartoon Seems to Link Obama to Dead Chimp” Imediately criticized by Rush Limbaugh & Anne Coulter for being too subtle.

HEADLINE: “Martial Arts Expert Challenges Chris Brown to Fight” or, at the very least, to record a cover of “Kung Fu Fighting”

HEADLINE: “Gates Foundation Assets Down 20 Percent” Damn, those mosquitos must’ve been expensive!

HEADLINE: “Obama Gets Autographed Shaquille O’Neal Sneaker” Plans to hold cabinet meetings in it.

HEADLINE: “Michael Jackson Auctions Off Bizarre Items” But after recent news, there were no bids for Bubbles the Chimp.

HEADLINE: “Boy marries dog to ward off tiger attacks” I think that was a Saturday Morning cartoon back in the ’60s.

HEADLINE: “Geographers think they know where Bin Laden is” Apparently he was run over by the GoogleMaps StreetLevel car.

HEADLINE: “Study Shows Brains of Lonely People Work Differently” Not surprising, since they have so much more time to actually think.

Goodnight bodyevery! Tip safely and drive your waitress! I’ll be weak all here!


Monkey, oops, Chimp Business

By now, amost everybody’s seen this rather regrettable political cartoon, right?


It seemed unavoidable that it would be interpreted as “President Obama is a chimp”, and a particularly angry, violent one at that. Actually, I personally interpreted it as “Obama hires angry chimps to write economics plans”, since I first saw it on the Internet and not in its original location in the New York Post which was opposite a page with an article about ‘Obama’s Plan’ complete with a rather large picture of the Commander in ChimpChief. Oops.

Some people I semi-respect have noted that there were many cartoonists and satirists who had depicted the previous President as a monkey or chimp (Un-curious George, those were the days), but considering the long-held and still-remembered racist attitude that Black People were less than human and more like the lesser Primates, it’s not a depiction to be taken lightly. There are other ways to caricature the current POTUS; I’m disappointed the editorial cartoonists haven’t picked up on his “mutt” comment more to show him as a mongrel dog (I could imagine him as Tramp in “Lady & the Tramp” in that spaghetti-eating scene, failing to win over a Republican ‘Lady’, then calling her a Bitch… COMEDY GOLD!).

What disturbs me most about Sean Delonas’ cartoon is its glib, thoughtless comparison of the Massive Stimulus Bill that hands out Massive amounts of money in various forms to a Massive number of people (of various levels of productivity and merit) to the violent attack of the chimp in which he basically tore his owner’s face off! I mean, who’s face is being torn off here? And don’t say “future generations”, because any negative effect, if the Stimulus fails to do enough of what it should, will be totally unlike a sudden violent attack. If Mr. Delonas really thinks this Massive Giveaway is like a chimp mauling your face, I definitely do NOT want to be around his house when Christmas Presents are opened.

Anyway, this got me thinking (which is always dangerous) that, while the Stimulus Bill was absolutely not like a Mad Chimp, some of the Republican Party reactions to it were! So I got out my PhotoSlop software, moved some letters around in Sean’s sloppy word balloon, and made up a version of the cartoon that might be a little more appropriate…


…except for one thing, Michael Steele, the current Chairman of the Republican Party is technically Blacker than Obama. Except when I thought of the idea, I wasn’t thinking of him, I was thinking of the current Unofficial Head of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, who has frequently played the part of both the Mad Chimp and the 800-Pound Gorilla (not a fat joke). But does it matter? Is the cartoon doomed to be hopelessly insensitive and racially insulting no matter how it’s framed? Well, I did come up with one more idea…



I Believe…

I BELIEVE that the entire concept of “What I Believe/This I Believe” lists was made ridiculous when Steve Martin did this monologue on Saturday Night Live in 1978. But I also believe that some people (very likely working for NPR) believe that there is no horse so dead that it can not be beaten, therefore

I BELIEVE… in the sanctity of all human life, except for the wretched scum who have appeared on Reality TV shows.

I BELIEVE… in Family Values. And that there should be a Family Stock Market where you can invest in your Family Values and make big bucks.

I BELIEVE… the world is entering into a critical period of history that will not end until the last Movie Critic is dead.

I BELIEVE… there is nothing more beautiful than the inside of a woman’s car trunk (… which I have seen several of… from the inside).

I BELIEVE… I am getting another cold.

I BELIEVE… you really can rollerskate in a buffalo herd, if you are very very careful.

I BELIEVE… the Internet will change the way we do everything, including urinating.

I BELIEVE… for every bell that rings, an Angel says “It’s for you!” to the next Angel.

I BELIEVE… for every drop of rain that falls, a driver in Los Angeles has a panic attack.

I BELIEVE… you never really know a person until you have seen them (1) mowing a lawn, (2) singing karaoke and (3) suffering a mild seisure.

I BELIEVE… the wisest thing anyone ever said was “I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy.”

I BELIEVE… you have my coffee.

I BELIEVE… Peter Dinklage is the finest actor of our time with a really embarrassing name.

I BELIEVE… there is nothing a person is incapable of doing to annoy me.

I BELIEVE… any two people in love are much more beautiful than the same two people in a giant blender.

I BELIEVE… that history will see Barack Obama as one of America’s blackest Presidents.

I BELIEVE… I could go on like this forever.

I BELIEVE… I desperately need an editor.



Write a post with the headline “MOST AUDIENCE ATTRACTING BLOGPOST IDEA EVER”. But with my past record and ongoing bad luck, it won’t work for me.


And Oscar Is a Boring Name #boringmovietitles

Ana Marie Cox is a blogger, writer, ex-Wonkette, political party animal, D.C. sweetie, one of the most famous people to share initials with a cable TV channel (and BHO comes SO close) and now, one of the Twitterati. One of the people who can create a subject of discussion just by putting a “#” in front of it, making it a Twitter Hashtag. (If you don’t understand, don’t even try).

And on a Sunday in the middle of a three-day weekend, she gave us #boringmovietitles, which, for lack of a better explanation are titles that are simple references to things that are less interesting than the what the movie is about.

Example: “Home Alone”. If you didn’t know what happens in that movie, you wouldn’t expect anything to happen in that movie. Well, by just bringing up the concept, she inspired dozens of Twittering fools to come up with examples, and inspired me to survey a list of the 1000 Biggest Moneymaking Movies Evah! for boringness…

I will try to give credit where credit is due, but the following are the best of what I found attached to the #hashtag (THAT’s what makes the # important). Any duplicates were deleted in favor of whoever first suggested the title (if I did this right).

@anamariecox: “Transporter” subject of running joke with @lehmannchris [husband IRL not just Twitter] for most boringest movie name ever. Competes with “Apt Pupil.”

@DukeStJournal: How about “The Reader”?

@roadkillrefugee: [disqualified for making up silly titles of non-existent movie]

amc: “The Professional” also.

@sashaundercover: You just mean marginally #boringmovietitles not really bad like “Speed Racer” or “Red Dawn”

@ FifthFloorTom: “The Happening” [almost lost because he used the nonstandard #boringassmovietitles tag]

amc: Husband suggests “Jumper,” which sounds like the story of a sweater, as well.

@stonermc: “Clerks,” “The Missionary,” “Fire,” “The Village, “Dune,” Driving Miss Daisy,” “Diner,” “The Cooler,” “Misery,” “Beaches,” “The Wall,” “The L shaped Room”

@gtfourier: How bout “Taken”

@bwvalentine: “The Constant Gardener” has to be among the most boring movie titles ever conceived.

@g: Have you already considered all John Grisham books-to-screen? The Firm, The Client, The Rainmaker, etc.

@WeeLaura: Does “The Tailor of Panama” qualify as a boring movie title? Or just boring to me?

@MarkWAdams: “Being There” great movie, but title just … is.

@OKnox: “Ordinary People”

@lechatsavant: Would “Interiors” count too?

@TeresaKopec: “The Shop Around the Corner”, “The Fly”

@theonetruebix: “The Color Purple”

@AMF7: “Twilight,” “Lakeview Terrace,” “The Duchess,” “The Women,” “American Teen”

amc: #boringmovietitles harder than #wonkpickuplines [a previous amc twittermeme]. What counts? “Absence of Malice” is a legal term but malice inherently interesting.

@ObeliskToucher: “On the Beach”

@patrickkeller: “Milk” sounds like a documentary about dairy farming that you had to watch in junior high science class.

@myrnatheminx: “The Car”

@houx: “The Room,” “Secretary,” “The Pelican Brief” come to mind. “The Firm” is more #wonkpickuplines

@markowitz: “Husbands and Wives”,”Network”, “The Chase”, “Coming Home” and/or “Mary”?

@Fritinancy: “Love Story.” [somebody had to say it but it wasn’t going to be me]

@chutry: “Fool’s Gold,” “Office Space,” “Dazed and Confused.”

@Kaplan: “The Wood,” “The Transporter,” “D.A.R.Y.L.”

[this was the point where I discovered and hijacked the meme]
Unfortunately, my birthday movie, “September 30, 1955” probably qualifies in the oft-twittered category of #boringmovietitles…
“Cars” “Signs” “Rush Hour” (think about it!) “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” “Home Alone” “The Day After Tomorrow” “Nine to Five” “Eraser”

@SteffChilds: “Heathers”

@yoink7: “It” “Made” “He Was A Quiet Man” “Big Nothing” “Silent Movie” “Helvetica”

@charliesdad: “The Brave One” “Contact” … Nothing against Jodie Foster … “Legend” and “The Game”

@jeremymeyers: “Broadcast News” (that ones for you @anamariecox)

@stonermc: “The L Shaped Room,” “K
rakatoa: East of Java,” “If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium”

me: “Collateral” (especially if you’re a banker), “The Others”, tempted to go with “Dead Poets Society”, “Holes”, “The Butterfly Effect”, and what about “Quantum of Solace”, boring or just confusing?

@JBD1: Also “The Phone Booth”

@DeffoTotes: “Now and Then” “Always”

@roadkillrefugee: “The Piano”, “The Notebook”, and “Airport” (plus “Airport 77 and Airport 79”)

@jillinski: “K-Pax,” “Mamma Mia,” “John Q”

@lechatsavant: “The Apartment”, “The Birds” (good movie), “The Conversation”

@katemc432: “My Brother Sam is Dead” gives it all away from the beginning. also “The Two Towers”

@Josh_Shear: “Cocoon”, “The Doors”

@MatthewGCarroll: in retrospect the title for “The Matrix” is awfully dull.

@Morningsidemom: “Failure to Launch” is the least “chic flick” sounding name out there – sounds more like a BORING rocket documentary.

@InsultComicDog “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever” [this one may belong more to #movietitlesthatmakenosenseinanylanguage]

@AdrianUribarri: “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.” Just kidding! [come on, this is a serious subject, isn’t it?]

@triumph68: “My Left Foot”, “The Terminal”, “Longest Road”, “The Faculty”, “One Hour Photo”

@MimAbbyMason: “Deadly Boring” [good find of an obscure movie, with documentation]

@sashaundercover: “Brick” is a pretty boring title

@ErikRedin: How about “Serenity?” I love Joss Whedon, but it’s the brand name of adult diapers. Also, “The Rock.” Just checked IMDB, there’s actually a movie called “Dust.”

@LaFaucon: “300”

@bcubbison: “Joe” “Dave” “Bill” [an every other movie title that is just a common first name… you missed “Ray”]

@InsultComicDog: Coming Soon: Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience [Bad dog! I said no jokes!]

@nurble: “LA Story,” “White?”

@phil_iott: what about “The International?”

@slurrrrpee: “Ed Wood?” [now they’re getting rather tentative…]

@ChristinaRoo: “The Station Agent”. Also wins for weirdest ever blurb on Dish guide. [documentation not provided]

@FifthFloorTom: I think we should all agree that the boringest movie title is “The Thing”. Then we can just move on with our lives. [I agree.]