January 2009


Totally Illogic-Al

vulcanalMaybe my sense of proportion is somewhat out of whack, but one of the most disturbing things about the issue of Global Climate Change to me right now is how, as he has gotten older, Al Gore looks more and more like a Vulcan.

The ONLY alteration to the picture accompanying this post was to make his ears pointy. The rest of his face is exactly as photographed.

What happened to his eyebrows?!?


SmartAss Responses to “How’s It Hangin’”?

For your future reference.

(1) By a thread.

(2) By the chimney with care

(3) At dawn.

(4) Up.

(5) On a wire hanger.

(6) Like a jury.

(7) In effigy.

(8) Over a cliff.

(9) Like Chad.

(10) Ten, duuuude. (thank you, Tom Overbeck)

(11) With Mr. Cooper.

Note: the managment of this blog makes no guarantee for these SmartAss Responses and takes no responsibility for responses to them. Use with caution. Seriously, duuuude.


Doctor Bennyminem

I don’t recall who pointed me to this first, but when it showed up at MetaFilter, I had to pass it on. And since CollegeHumor.com is often embellished with NSFWendell ads, I wanted to try embedding it here (where I don’t even have those ugly ‘belly fat’ ads). I love it, and I am (a) not a hardcore Doctor Who fan, (b) hardly a Benny Hill fan and (c) not an Eminem fan at all. If somebody did a similar mashup with Star Trek, Madonna and “Rubber Duckie”, I’d like it too… IF it were as well-executed. Anyway, on with the show.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Twitterer’s Digest #2


I remember when I used to drop one “a” from the name to make Kawaski, the Polish Motorcycle.

It’s sad that so many righties are now claiming Bush was not a “real conservative”, when he essentially perfected conservatism. How do I know he perfected it? Because Conservatism is so totally flawed, it had to collapse and take everything with it. Just like the USSR perfected Communism.

@gnauss said: Protip: If you’re too stupid to figure out how to use the self-checkout, DON’T USE THE SELF-CHECKOUT, YO U GODDAMNED MORON!
I replied: I disagree, it should be DON’T USE THE SELF-CHECKOUT IF ANYBODY IS THERE AHEAD OF YOU. Too high a chance of moronity.

I didn’t even know the phrase “life-changing experience” when I was 10 (and the JFK assassination happened when I was 8).

Huh. 14 hours of almost-consecutive sleep (including 7½ of today’s 10½ daylight hours on a rather nice day). Like most lo-o-ong sleeps, included epic dream of me wandering around some incredibly constructed city. Sleep. It’s where I’m an architect.

The best thing about Saskatoon must be telling people you’re in Saskatoon. Pismo Beach is fun to say too, and MUCH WARMER.

schoolhouse-rock-bill-100 Bill is my least threatening animated gif… If I use him as a Twitter Avatar, I just hope he doesn’t get a sheetload of amendments thrown on him.

@joshmillard started “King Midas’ lesser-known relatives” with “Princess Delia “Dell” Midas, who turned everything she touched into warrantied, refurbished replacements of whatever it was originally”, “Orville, Duke of Midas, who touched everything gold he saw out of a mix of OCD and a misapprehension of causality” and “Viscount Bernard Midas-Madoff, who made brisk business selling packages of to-be-turned-into-gold securities before he was beheaded.”
I added:
Ronald McMidas: everything he touched suddenly had a “Mc” added to it (and its nutritional value cut in half)
Bill O’Midas: everything he touches turns into AN OUTRAGE (too easy).
Morrissey Midas: Everything he touched turned Emo.
Uwe Midas: Everything he touched… do I have to finish this one?
And the Midas relative accused of being a suicide bomber; everything he touched turned to BOOM but he could only do it once.
One more: Ev Midas: Everything he touched became immensely popular but impossible to monetize. *rimshot*

During the BigHonkingDealAppleKeynoteThingy, Twitter was backed up worse than constipated restaurant critic. I was so happy when it was over… I never want anyone to think it took me 30-40 minutes to come up with a snarky reply.

Am I the only one who was really hoping Harriet, the nosy neighbor girl on “Small Wonder”, would hurry up and learn Vicki’s secret so the writers would be forced to come up with something else? (I never felt that way about Gladys, the nosy neighbor on “Bewitched”)

@JoeTheDough I think you have come up with the ultimate term of invective: “cuntard” insults or offends in at least 5 different ways. (I’d like to apologize to anyone sincerely offended by just looking at that word. Still, if you’re going to insult someone, it’s quite a word)

An article says “navel-gazing” is a barrier to happiness, but I’m VERY happy with my navel. It’s one of my best features!

WIRED headline: Twitter Hacker Says Admin Password Was ‘Happiness’ Yes, but a fleeting happiness …and Hackiness is a Warm Gun. Or a Worn Pun.

Speaking of happiness, I feel like I need a Warm Puppy right now. How long should I put it in the microwave for? (JUST KIDDING!!!!)

I have been plated and served. But never fully digested.

@sohmer designed a “Rock Band spin-off” so I had to ask “Can you do the same with Big Band, Marching Band, Rubber Band, Watch Band, Wedding Band, Band of Brothers or Ban(ne)d in Boston?”

SIENFELD FANS: “Anti-Dentite” no longer means person prejudiced against dentists. Now it’s one of the 1000s of bloggers who formerly worked for Nick Denton.

@SpaceKitty Twittered that “The universe provides. 🙂 ” That sentence always seems to be missing a final noun. Life? Hope? Love? Bullshit? Spam? Rain? Bad popstars? Stuffed ferrets?

Bleacher Seating? I never knew it took a special chair to dye your hair blonde.

“king of new media” is a title nobody can hold onto for long, like “Al Queda’s #2 in Iraq”

“I get back up, then I fall down again, nobody’s gonna hold me up…” That’s the lyric, right?

Twittered by @cshirky: “Everyone has decided to let me do what I want to do, but only make it convenient to do what they want me to do.” That is what I have always considered “the best deal you’re ever gonna get”.

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya Jr. You killed my father and his father. Will you adopt me?”

@JohnCleese Twittered: “Wages are all out of wack. It would be fairer if people were paid alphabetically!” OH CRAP. We “W”s get screwed again.

My HappyTweet score is 495. I am “Somewhat Happy” on Twitter. Off Twitter, I live in constant Euphoria.

Twitter wins the Crunchie Award for “Best Founders”. Take a Twit to lunch. Order something crunchy.
The presenter of the “Best Founder” award said “Founders create jobs”; coming up next: the award for “Best CEO”, the guys who destroy jobs.
Award presenter from Microsoft said “I love start-ups… they’re so squishy between our toes.”
Facebook beat Twitter for the “Best Overall” Award… I’ve seen Mark Zuckerberg in his overalls, and I must agree.

If you ended the #bushyears better off than you started, then most likely you got away with something very very wrong. I know I did.


Get the Picture? Neither Do I.

I knew there would be unforeseen complications to the recent under-the-hood behind-the-scenes below-the-surface under-your-nose inside-the-box off-the-beaten-path under-the radar behind-the-curtain between-the-seat-cushions off-the-wall in-the-crawlspace and up-the-tailpipe changes to the ol’ blog. And while some of you (mostly at Twitter) have said nice things about some of the Old Content that has been returned to the Archive, I am still quite anxious about what may be lurking back there. I did have an annoying amount of difficulty posting the Overthinkin’ Bean graphic in the MetaFilter-reference post yesterday, and have since discovered that some (but not all) of the pics in older posts have disappeared. Apparently, somewhere in Conversionland, the addresses in the posts started pointing at places where the pictures were not, or just never stopped pointing at where they used to be. THAT’S A FAIL, WORDPRESS. BRINGS YOUR WEBLOG SUPPORT AVERAGE DOWN FROM A-MINUS TO B-PLUS.

Anyway, fixing it all appears right now to require going in and re-entering long and goofy-looking URLs, so that’s one more item on my It’ll Take Me Years To Do List. But if you, my happy, tolerant, possibly-drugged-up webfriends, should find something missing [which reminds me, my Oxymoron Site is also on that List] that you’d like me to restore ASAP, leave me a note in the comments for this post (if they work) or on the Contact Form (if it works), or if neither works, give me an Angry Twitter. Which would be a great name if Burger King ever wanted to make a chicken sandwich like its “Angry Whopper”. But I digress. Interminably.


Dr. Smith Goes to Washington

You Adlepated Amateur, you Babbling Birdbrain, you Blithering Blatherskite, you Caterwauling Clod, you Deplorable Dunderhead, you Floundering Flunky, you Hypertensive Hypochondriac, you Ignominious Ignoramus, you Jabbering Jeremiah, you Know-Nothing Numskull, you Lily Livered Lummox, you Mental Midget, you Monstrous Mountebank, you Nattering Ninny, you Presumptuous Popinjay, you Pusillanimous Pip-squeak, you Ridiculous Roustabout, you Sanctimonious Scatterbrain, you Uncultured Clump (thanks), I was referring to Billy Mumy’s character on The Twilight Zone, not Lost in Space!


Old Twitterage… Remembering September 2008

Putting “Decatur” and “exciting” in the same twitter is an offense punishable by banishment from the internets.

@malki That shirt design is STEAM beyond PUNK, it’s STEAM NEW WAVE or STEAM HEAVY METAL or STEAM INDIE or STEAM HIP HOP or whatever.

Almost time for #doomsday. Best thing about the world ending in an instant is nobody gets to say “I told you so” unless it DOESN’T.

@paulandstorm I am honored to have contributed to the FunModCon splash page (and extra honored to share it with Fatty Nano)

A free idea for @dcagle: Kermit the Frog debating Palin saying “I know Miss Piggy, and you are no Miss Piggy.”

Classic bureaucrat statement from @hurricaneike “public utilities will remain on during the storm, unless they are damaged during.”

I guess Texas has renamed Hurricane Ike as Hurricane YIKES! (And Tina Turner says ‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you’) I’ve heard there will be a mass burning of Eisenhower memorabilia in Houston (and President Ike was born in Texas). Sounds like Galveston is now mostly under water. And without the Army Corps of Engineers’ help. After it’s all over, all that’s left of Galveston may be the Glen Campbell song.

Meanwhile, on the West Coast, we have Tropical Depression Lowell. Yes, we are wimps.

Post-Ike News: “those who defied evacuation orders to leave plead for help.” Texas residents acting like New Orleans residents? No Wai!

@TheBrad suggests that adding “Between Your Legs” to a TV/Movie title makes it more awesome. Let me test that: “Law & Order Between Your Legs”, mmkay. “The Office Between Your Legs”, naah. “2 and a Half Men Between Your Legs”, BINGO! Sitcoms usually work: “I Love Lucy Between Your Legs”, “Bewitched Between Your Legs” “Friends Between Your Legs” “Happy Days Between Your Legs” “Everybody Loves Raymond Between Your Legs”… YEEEESH. Star Trek titles are interesting: “Deep Space Nine Between Your Legs”, “Enterprise Between Your Legs” “The Search for Spock Between Your Legs”. And for Whedonites: “Firefly Between Your Legs”, nope. “Serenity Between Your Legs”, better. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer Between Your Legs”, hmmm. “Dr. Horrible Between Your Legs”, YIPES! Okay, let’s finish this: “60 Minutes Between Your Legs”, maybe. “Married With Children Between Your Legs”, NO. JUST NO.

I’m tired of self-righteous relativists doing the “both sides are equally wrong” schtick. It always empowers whichever side is more wrong.

Protemplating, living your life on a prepared template without serious thought about anything… the opposite of contemplating.

I no longer abbreviate The Associated Press as “AP”; I prefer to call them the “AssPress”.

Total WOW idiot Q: I’ve seen some people who say their character’s a “Dwarf Hunter”. A Dwarf who Hunts? Or a Hunter who goes after Dwarves?

Commuter train crashes are just nature’s way of reminding L.A. it shouldn’t have mass transit.

I’ve been underwhelmed and merely whelmed, I’ve hunkered up and I was once a gruntled ex-employee (I was laid off from a job I didn’t like with a large severance check).

Spam in the can will last until the next Big Bang. Once the can is opened, it changes molecular structure 11 times a minute.

Some nefarious supplier seems to be passing off strips of solid salt as bacon to several fast food chains.

Bike Gangs are so passe. Segway Gangs are the new hotness in California.

“Create confusion” is what the Social Web does best.

Just spent an hour chatting with a Crazy Old Guy who needed to borrow some electricity to get his scooter home. The Anti-Twitter. Anyone who can out-chat me on-on-one in real life conditions is formidable. This guy was an Olympic Gold Medal tale-teller. 1/3 of what he said was totally incredible, 1/3 credible but disprovable. No way he could have done everything he said in one lifetime. Half-breed Indian from a reservation hugging the US/Canadian border; fought Pirates in a small boat off the S.Amer. coast and won. After defeating pirates with the help of his 4 young kids, he took enough gold from the pirates to pay for his kids through college. Arrrr! He walked from the Reservation to Alaska when he was 10 years old (but didn’t use it to talk about Palin and I didn’t prompt him). He said he was feeling suicidal when he walked to Alaska; wanted the bears to get him, but they didn’t. He said he took three bullets in the Korean War, showed one credible scar, I didn’t want to see where others were. He also says he helped build the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Power Plant near me … and how he did it, maybe I should worry. Yes, I do want to talk to him again, but after an hour his scooter was recharged and I was running out of energy.

I thought Windows Operating Systems were like Star Trek Movies… every other one sucks.

Are you talking about fiber optics or dietary fiber? Oh my, I just realized how those two do essentially the same thing! You mean to tell me Skype is NOT a stool softener product? Ruh roh.

Have you taken a GOOD look at the Django Pony? I suspect if you comb back its mane, you’ll find a stub of a unicorn horn (like Hellboy’s horn stubs). That’s creepy.

I just looked at a strip of raw bacon and thought it resembled lipstick on a pig. MAKE IT STOP!

I’m trying to clean up a cluttered WordPress install. Why did I get a plugin dedicated to “Correctly Spell WordPress”???

Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week, try the veal and tip your waitress… Well, I tried the veal and it tasted like chicken. And I tipped the waitress: it wasn’t nearly as much fun as tipping cows.

I still have a problem with kawaii-cutesy software mascots… what if MS got in on the practice? The IE Puppy… grows up to be a b(r)owser. Yes I remember “Clippy”; at least they never released their next-generation mascot: Staply.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I do not intend the term “attention whore” as a sexist term, and have called MANY men the same thing.

Yahoo’s official color is now purple. Appropriate for a company that with so many bruises. Me, I’m still web 1.0 orange.

I will never forgive Bill Maher for giving Anne Coulter her first major media exposure. And I still suspect it was in exchange for sexual favors.

Twitterfood. Awesome yet terrifying. Tweet and Eat. Microblog meets Microwave. Rachael’s Ray’s “30 Second Meals”.

Eventually, “Anonymous” will find almost everyone (including me) worthy of harassment.
“I did not speak up when they came for the Scientologist, Palinists, other asshole, because I was not an asshole… Then they came for me and, well, those assholes never would’ve come to my defense anyway…”

It’s frustrating for those of us who chose to never grow up that a younger generation has somehow succeeded in being MORE immature.

How could you tell the difference between Talk Like a Ninja Day and Talk Like a Mime Day? Because many people can’t tell the difference between the sounds of ninja victims and beaten mimes.

I thought Tim Burton, LeVar Burton and Richard Burton were all divisions of Halliburton.

Web Standardz Cat Haz Standardz.
WebCat is Whirlled Whyed.
CSSCat haz no tabelz.
And RSSCat Feedz Without Cheezburgers.


For the Next Time MetaFilter Is Down…

…I have created this graphic.
Overthinkin Bean Is Thinkin
It’s no Fail Whale, but hey…

I still don’t know how I was able to get not just the first post after MeFi came baqck from its SQL Injection Overdose, but actually got it posted a few seconds before the head MetaTechnician, PB, put up his “Test Post”. No, it is NOT one of the privileges of the MetaFilter Cabal (which not only does NOT exist but also I was kicked out of years ago).


Costco Size Me!

After my last visit to the Big Warehouse Store Full Of Things I Could Never Afford, But At Lower Prices So I Can’t Afford Them Only Half As Much, I got to wishing that some of the food and household products that they bundle into multi-packs of normal-sized packages could be put into humongous-sized packages instead. Why does it only have to be 5-pound blocks of cheese and 99-ounce cans of Peaches; why can’t everything be packaged like that?

I mean, a 24-pack of toilet paper rolls is OK, but what if they put it all into one roll?!? They already have t-p-holder adapters for the Triple Rolls, so they could certainly make one for the Quattuorvigenuple Roll! Of course, depending on where your roll holder is located in the bathroom, the paper might just shove you off the toilet…

I’d like to see more spray cans in humongous sizes; I’ve seen Pam Cooking Spray and Raid Roach Killer in Andre-the-Giant-sized cans, but what about Air Fresheners, Shaving Creams, Hair Sprays and that ultimate in spray-can technology: Spray Cheese! I made some feeble attempts to Photoslop a visualization of a 5-pound (like the block cheese) Spray Cheese Can, but nothing I could do could match my (and I’ll assume your) imagination.

And why not give your kids a 2-gallon can of Silly String, or a 10-pound block of Play-Doh, or a 5-foot non-extended/30-foot extended Slinky? (What? No, I’ve never been a parent. How did you figure that out?)

I understand that some things just wouldn’t work out Humongousized. Combining a bundle of 9 Lean Cuisine Chicken Entrees into one would kind of defeat the product’s entire purpose…

But think of a tube of toothpaste the size of ten normal tubes. No way that’ll fit in a normal medicine cabinet; that would require its own wall-mounted rack (with multiple anchor screws). And you’ll get a muscle-training workout with every brushing!

And who would settle for a 24-pack of normal-sized candy bars when you can have a single 10-pound bar! And I’m not talking about one of those Ghirardelli solid chocolate blocks, I mean a 6-foot-long Twix bar, a Mounds bar bigger than a half-dozen coconuts, a Babe Ruth-sized Baby Ruth, a KitKatKitKatKitKatKitKatKitKatKitKatKitKat or a Milky Way big enough to truly earn the galaxy-sized name! And after you’re finished chewing that whole caramel-and-nougat-filled Chocolate Hulk, that ten-fer tube of Colgate is going to be just what you need!

On a related note, why can’t they even be consistent as to what a “warehouse size” should be? It’s like the XXL version of the 10 hot dogs/8 buns dilemma. They have 3-pound bags of tortilla chips and 3-pound jars of salsa, but 5-pound packages of cheese? Based on my own experience, do NOT attempt a party-sized batch of nachos with those proportions. It will end badly.


If You Can Read This…

…welcome to the new and subtly improved Wendell.Me. What? You don’t see any difference? Good. It’s all, as they say, under the hood, but if you’ll look at the left sidebar, you’ll discover that I have restored the archives from my past blogging attempts going back to The Last Millennium (I like saying that). However, there’s a lot of cleaning up to do, so don’t panic if you see something weird as you wander though my playing cards and please just let it be one of sixteen vestal virgins who were heading for the coast… uh, sorry, I’ve been listening to some old Procol Harum songs…

Anyway, if you still think I’m not providing enough tasty new content, CLICK HERE.