December 2008


Random Acts of Twitterage #Brazillian

I’m currently thankful that I haven’t automatically put my tweets in the blog for two reasons. #1: 75% are personal boring stuff or one side of a mini-conversation. #2: It gives me some content when I’m otherwise at a loss for blahblahblah… So, here we go again, back to July when I twittereported that I had “spent the 40 bucks (for 2 years minimum) to register … my most vain vanity domain name EVAH! It’s like a vanity license plate on the Information Superhighway.”

My proposals for “twitter terminolgy”: “twinkies” “twizzlers” “twists” “twain” “twirl” “twaddle” and of course “twit”. And especially “twerps”: A sub-demographic full of (regretable) opinion leaders.

When someone says Burgess Meredith, you don’t know if they’re talking about Rocky’s Coach, Steinbeck’s George, Batman’s Penguin or the guy with the glasses in Twilight Zone…

Doesn’t sound right: “zefrank is the CREATOR of” But even worse: “somebodyelse is the CREATOR of The Bob Newhart Show”

Maybe I need to catch up with Mobile Devices and such, but a “lost internet” twitter just seems weird to me. Like “Marie just called to say all the phones are out”… “She drove over here to tell me the roads are out”…

Kitchen bugs got into my pantry packages of fettuccine and rotini but not the elbow macaroni. Am I dealing with snobbish insects?

My personal (non-gmail) emailbox was filled with 180 bounce messages: some spamster apparently spoofed my address for messages titled “Nude Angelina Jolie”. And I haven’t even seen Angelina Jolie naked (and I’d remember if it was in person… in a movie scene not so much)

Rodney Dangerfield would’ve RULED on Twitter… “Take My Wife Please!” … way under 140 characters

EPIC MEME apparently started on Twitter. Twitsearch for “EPIC” adds a half dozen new tweets every 30 seconds, most of which are following the meme.
Your Ocean Liner is leaking, so grab a bucket… EPIC BAIL!
Hailstones the size of basketballs? (do I even need to say it?) EPIC HAIL
Why does remembering the EPIC record label make me feel old?
The largest crowd ever at one of Hitler’s speeches: EPIC HEIL! (did I just Godwin this meme?)
And don’t forget the dude with the UFO/cloning cult: EPIC RAEL!
If we can go off-rhyme, Mr. Lovett is an EPIC LYLE!
Not my idea, but one of the best of the meme: “Large intestine: EPIC ENTRAIL.”
Mrs. Roy Rogers: EPIC DALE!
290-car train off the tracks: EPIC DERAIL. (this whole meme is kind of an EPIC DERAIL for twitter)
This meme is overloading twitter, thus making it a self-fulfilling EPIC FAIL WHALE
The beginning of this now-overwhelming “EPIC *AIL” meme: EPOCH FAIL!
I must credit @ladycrumpet for: “Buffy the Vampire Slayer: EPIC IMPALE”
Okay folks, EPIC (Dan) QUAYLE, EPIC (Christian) BALE and EPIC MIKAEL (Gorbachev) have been beaten into submission. Move on.
There are hundreds of twitterers “off our meds” today, and it’s an “EPIC REGALE” (though even I must admit it’s getting “EPIC STALE”)
“EPIC BETRAYAL” for the semi-win.
Best curmudgeonly response from @nostrich” “Yes, I am ‘just homophoning it in’.”
But I don’t want to hear about anybody’s EPIC TRAVAIL right now…
Okay, no more EPIC (Crystal) GAYLE either. Please.
reply to @middleclasstool You, who named your baby “littleclasstool” are complaining about puns? What a DYSPEPTIC WAIL.
Stuttering variation: Losing 2000 photos from memory when your digital camera goes bad: EPIC PIC FAIL.
Now people are suggesting we counter with “EPIC SUCCEED”s… that should be EPIC WIN, like the guy who plays Locke on ‘Lost’: EPIC O’QUINN
Schwartzenneger & Devito: EPIC TWINS. Opposite of extreme Yang: EPIC YIN. Classic comic by Herge: EPIC TINTIN.
Bill O’Reilly: EPIC SPIN. Family reunion where 500 people show up: EPIC KIN. “Ghosts Vol.1-4”: EPIC NIN. 20-digit bank password: EPIC PIN.
or… almost as trigonometrically awesome as an Epic Tangent: EPIC COSIN.
Goes with Awesome Tonic: EPIC GIN. What got humans kicked out of Eden: EPIC SIN.
Apparently @dooce has declared that it should be “FOR THE *IN” instead of “EPIC *IN”, and who am I to argue with an Internet Legend?
But twitsearching for “FOR THE” brings up a lot more false positives than “EPIC”
And Mickey Mouse is “FOR THE MIN”
People who chew Doublemint Gum because of the commercials are “FOR THE TWINS”
The cult followers of a particular Nickelodeon cartoon are “FOR THE ZIM”

My adopted hometown has been named one of the “Best Places You’ve Never Heard Of”. Please don’t tell.

“Cankle” sounds like it should be a snack food… instead, it’s a result of eating snack foods.

I unmade a phone survey guy’s day by telling him while I watch some local TV news almost daily, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the anchors.

The Web is all about Everybody Getting Published and Nobody Getting Paid (which dovetails perfectly with my writing career).

I’m very pro-union for creatives. I had a bad experience with AFTRA (the weak link in the current Hollywood labor disputes) over 30 years ago. When I was a radio ‘sidekick’ at an AFTRA shop, they worked very hard to make sure I was NOT paid as a ‘creative’. So I went looking for radio work in the outskirts, promoting myself as “Los Angeles Radio’s Most Underpaid Personality”.

Has Neil Patrick Harris ever played a character that DIDN’T blog?

I’ve been notified of my latest follower: “porn_website is now following your updates on Twitter” Aw come on, at least try to put in a little effort!

I might trust AMC more doing a “Prisoner” remake than most media entities… first of all, it’s a *6* part miniseries…

Merlin Mann proves that there is a fine line between “Getting Things Done” and “Git Er Done”, by crossing it repeatedly.

I think I know where all the bees from all over the country went. They are ALL hovering around the dumpster behind my apartment.

Stomach cramps happening simultaneously with leg cramps is what I call a Worst Case Scenario.

Potting soil is a lot more than dirt (I worked briefly in Accounts Payable for a company who made it; I know what’s in there an how much the company paid for it).

I can’t say much about the new pr0n version of Portal, except: The Bukakke Is a Lie.

The Killer Twitter App would fetch all the tweets of your followees since you last logged in AND PUT THEM IN FORWARD CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER for a quick scan-thru.


Who ARE These Guys?

You may have noticed something a little bit different at the Top o’ the Blog. And if you haven’t, your powers of observation may be running on empty. I have been fiddling with the format since day one of my blogging, but have generally tried to keep a clean page, while staying one or two steps behind the cutting edge. I set up Web 2.0-Style rounded corners five minutes after they went out of style. But lately, every time one of the many design blogs brought out a collection of best-designed blogs, most of them had flashy, elaborate and very busy backgrounds on the whole page or at least the header. I developed a severe case of Design Envy, and after setting up a new header featuring a picture of Me and one of Not Me, with the intent of rotating the pics randomly, I decided, no, I can do more than that. I’d been getting more practice with the Open-Source Gimp (cheapskate’s alternative to Photoshop) and I decided that I could – and would – make myself one helluva header.

The contents of that design became immediately obvious. I already had several “Not Me” images made up and I’ve done a lot of research on other guys named Wendell. (It came naturally, looking for my site on Google with the search term “Wendell”… I’m currently #708.) So I made a Cavalcade of Wendells to treat and/or abuse your eyes.

Top row: The frequently photographed sign at Wendell’s Drive-In in Nashville. The “Wendell & Gas” sign is at an undisclosed Iocation, photographed by an obviously delightful lady with a husband named Wendell (NOT me) who has gas. The embroidered patch is for the Hazmat Team in Wendell, N.C. The water tower is in Wendell, Idaho. Two campaign buttons for 1940 Presidential Candidate Wendell Willkie. The “No Parking on Bridge” sign is from Wendell, Mass. and the “Pop 177” sign is from Wendell, Minn.

Bottom Row: Wendell the Worm is a character used by’s “Yucky” kids’ site. On the old-school TV screen is Fox News White House Correspondent Wendell Goler. Sometimes obscured behind the tagline or page title are the cover for the UK release of REM’s single “Wendell Gee” (no relation to Wendell Goler), and a construction sign for the Wendell Falls development in N.C. I like the name “Wendell Falls”; it’s like the story of my life. A caricature of guitarist Wendell Ferguson plays next to Wendell, the banjo-playing bear from Disney’s Bear Mountain animatronic show. Behind the banjo is Owen Wilson as he appeared in the title role of “The Wendell Baker Story”. Next to him is Wendell the Baker, mascot for Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. Next in front is the news-making and ill-fated Wendell the Wallaby. And almost hidden in back is Bill Wendell, the late announcer for David Letterman and a few dozen game shows (but how often have you seen his face?). Freakishly skinny male supermodel Wendell Lissimore is right behind obese cartoon character Wendell Stamps from Adult Swim’s “Frisky Dingo”. And beside Wendell Stamps’ head is a self-inking stamp from Wendell’s Inc. (See what I did there?) Finally, Simpsons minor character Wendell Borton and farmer/philosopher/author Wendell Berry, who looks good in black and white.

There’s more to come in Wendell’s Extreme Blog Makeover, PART TWO. You have been warned.


Twas the Day AFTER Christmas

…and in lieu of any new original stuff, here are some boxes containing boxes and/or boxers I collected last year for Boxing Day (previously posted in a no-longer-accessible location). Meanwhile, don’t forget my caption contest. PLEASE. I promised a prize based on number of entries received and from what I have so far (two), the winner may owe ME a couple bucks. I’ll keep it open over the weekend just to reinforce my lack of popularity.

box-happy.jpgbox-box.jpgbox-gloves.jpgbox-dog2.jpg Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.


A Visit From St. Business

For many of us, right now the biggest gift we’ve gotten from our workplace is the fact that we still have jobs, but still, the last few work-hours before the holiday are semi-tortuous (especially at places you have to come in at least a half-day on Christmas Ever). For you, I republish this old chestnut-roasting:

‘Twas the day before Christmas, and down here at work
Not a creature was stirring, not even a clerk;

Christmas cards hung in the lobby in bunches,
And in the lunch room where we rarely ate lunches;

The executives nestled all behind closed doors,
While visions of year-end they tried to ignore;

And I with my Accountant’s green eyeshade half-kilter,
Had just gone online to check out MetaFilter,

When up from the warehouse there arose such a din,
I thought Shipping had collided with Receiving again.

Away from the window that my office lacked,
Past the Founder’s portrait that covered a crack,

I bolted downstairs with a stride never broken
Past the No Smoking sign where the smokers were smokin’,

And, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Were all of the vendors we’d bought from this year,

With one out in front, so gnome-like and short,
I knew he had to be our IT support.

More numerous than tribbles, their small gifts they came,
And all of them marked with their company’s names;

On pens and on pencils, on mugs and on mousepads!
On business card holders and various doo-dads!

On datebooks and calendars, both desk and wall,
And they didn’t stop ’til they’d distributed all.

They spoke nary a word, but worked on like dogs,
Covering Purchasing’s desks with their new catalogs,

And once everything they had brought was delivered,
They turned toward the door like the flow of a river;

I asked one why they would be leaving so soon,
He just said “12 more offices to hit before noon”;

But I heard them exclaim, as they left in a huff,
“Merry Christmas to all, and please buy our stuff.”


Contesting! One, Two, Three…

I cannot believe I didn’t think of this obvious visual right after the “Bush Shoe Throwing Incident” and equally surprised that a hundred others hadn’t thought of it first…
(upon further searching, there was a version in the addendum to BoingBoing’s animated GIF roundup, but I like mine better) But one problem remained: what caption to apply to the picture? I came up with several, all semi-obvious, but felt the occasion deserved more. So, considering that I am coming to the conclusion that there are millions of people on the Web funnier than I am, I’m opening it up to YOU, with an incentive! Yep, I’m doing a caption contest!
Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.


What’s It All About, Hamburger?

I really don’t like to partake in making controversial or unpopular statements in this blog (I save those for my 140-character mini-rants in Twitter). Okay, I did make a kind of a hissy fit directed toward Google last month, but it totally urinated me off the way their socially responsible “don’t be evil” image is so frequently contradicted by the way they actually do business. So I really don’t have much patience for companies that float by on mostly unearned goodwill while never really living up to their reputations.

On that basis, let me make this statement: In-N-Out Burger is rather overrated.

Now let me stipulate a few things where the ol’ In-N-Out is as good as they claim. Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.


Random Acts of Twitterage #AGAIN?

Discovered a secret stash of old Twitter posts of mine that I thought were totally deleted. I could blog nothing but my better Twitter-based content from the last six months for some time, but I promise I’ll finish that post about In-N-Out Burger BEFORE it shows up again…


I’ve seen statistics that show that the “death tax” is a greater deterrent to killing your parents than the “death penalty”.

Wendell’s Lifestyle Law #1
If living well is the best revenge, then don’t get even, get better.

Incomplete Headline: “Obama Says He Won’t Question Others’ Patriotism”… But If He Did, He’d Deport Rush Limbaugh to Dittostan.

Wendell’s Addendum to a Common Cliche: “In life, you must either lead, follow, get out of the way or intentionally get in the way”.

Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.


Playing With My Food

One of my favorite convenience foods (and one with the least negative side effects) is the “steam in your microwave” vegetables that BirdsEye recently came out with (and the supermarket house brands have already copied). Currently, every chain in town is advertising them for $1 a bag for the basic veggies and $2 for the fancies and mixes, which is extra good for me, since when it comes to trying to cook fresh veggies, I have a brown thumb. Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.


Blecch Listed

When I feel bad about my lot in life, I like see how much worse it’d be if I were in Serious Show Biz by reading Nicky Finke’s “Deadline Hollywood Daily” – or “Dateline Hollywood Deadly”. Anyway Ms. Ratfinke (as many powerful people in Hollyweird call her) got the info on an insiders’ popularity list (because all those award shows and top 10 lists and box-office and ratings aren’t enough to prove to some folks their worthiness). It’s a listing of the favorite not-yet-produced movie scripts picked by a not-too-select group of over 250 film executives (that’s from 6½ major studios and a couple dozen production companies that produce anything – there’s a part of the business world where a few dozen lay-offs wouldn’t hurt). And, either out of a massive sense of irony or a total ignorance of Hollywood history, the studio exec who assembled the list (or, more likely, made an assistant do it) calls it “The Black List” (while Ring Lardner Jr. and Dalton Trumbo spin in their graves).

Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.