September 2007

2007
Sep
29

Beyond the Carbon Footprint…

This is really a ‘wish I’d written that’ piece. Except, instead of using the term “@$$hole Footprint”, I would’ve used something with the term “Assprint”.

AND NOW A WORD FROM SOMEBODY WHO MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME...
Sep
29

STOP!

This Story Is Worthless Without Pictures.

So how come there aren’t any pictures on any news site where this story is posted? Wait… here are a couple, thanks to the Chicago Sun-Times (proud home of Roger Ebert… which is proof right there that it’s better than your average newspaper).

The special stop signs documented so far…
“WHOAAA”
“Stop … and smell the roses”
“Stop … right there pilgrim”
“Stop … in the naame of love”
“Stop Means Stop”*
“Stop… or we’ll hunt you down”*
“Stop means that you aren’t moving”*
“Stop. Billion Dollar Fine”** (this one is not exactly good for the city’s credibility)

*from a pictureless article in the Chicago Tribune
**according to ‘Daily Southtown’

NOT mentioned, but I hope are included or will be soon…
“Stop… the world I wanna get off”
“Stop… Thief!”
“Stop… the Madness”
“Last… Stop… Before Home”
“Cant… Stop… the Music”
“Stop… and Shop” (the city should get paid for this one)
“Stop… Payment”
“Stop… me before I kill again.”
“Use Your Brake!”
“Cease and Desist”
“Pit… Stop”
“. Full Stop” (Brits will love it; other won’t get it)
“Pause… and Refresh”
and, of course…
“Stop… Hammer Time!”

ADDENDUM: How could I forget…
“Stop… me if you’ve heard this one before.”

MOREADDENDUM:
“Stop… Children, what’s that sound?”
“Stop… Collaborate and Listen.”

2007
Sep
24

Under Contraption

I made every effort to upgrade this site prior to the Official Release of WordPress 2.3 and failed miserably. Now that the new software if officially available (as of less than an hour ago… call me an early adopter), I am dropping everything else (except a DMV appointment tomorrow morning) to bring WendellWit 2.3 into some form of reality. As a result, expect to see varying levels of weirdness when you visit over the next couple of days. In fact, don’t think of the broken interface as a bug, think of it as a web-based game (“What Did Wendell Screw Up This Time?”). And when it’s all done, if it’s ever ALL done, this is going to certainly be NOT just another blog. (WHY is EVERYBODY going with the two right-side columns and whiter-than-white whitespace right now? Please people, STOP COPYING BOINGBOING!) In the meantime, here’s my favorite silly “Under Construction” graphic. Yep, Homer’s on the job and everything’s going to be D’OH!

2007
Sep
23

Buried in a Visable Box

I’m amazed at how everybody seems to have gotten it so wrong. As a sign of respect to Marcel Marceau, who passed away this weekend at the age of 84, we obviously should have a Moment of LOUD NOISE.

2007
Sep
21

PunOn.Org

It’s funny sometimes which straw breaks a camel’s back. I have remained mostly silent on the major political issues of the day, except for occasional outbursts of cynicism within the comment threads at MetaFilter. I have considered myself ill-suited and ill-positioned to be an activist on any issue. But as a writer by habit and semi-profession, I do keep an eye out for threats to the First Amendment Freedom of Speech. And while many recent events have caused me concern, one in particular appears to threaten me directly. (Yes, I’m one of those who doesn’t stand up until “my own ox is gored”, but I am standing up now.)

And that event was the vote in the U.S. Senate condemning an established political action organization (MoveOn.org, which pretty much invented web-based political pot-stirring) for making a pun out of a General’s name!

“GENERAL PETRAEUS OR GENERAL BETRAY US?”

Yes, it’s a pun. A groaner. Even some who agree with the message called it lame. I thought it was pretty funny, but then, you know my taste in punnery.

But when the combined wrath of 72 Senators from both parties come down in condemnation of this bit of wordplay, this may be the most chilling gust of cold wind effect I have yet to see in this Land of the Free Speech.

So, how do I heed this toll-free call to action? Well, [full disclosure] I just made a political contribution to the “offending” organization. This is the first politically-oriented contribution I have made in over 20 years, and, if someone were to look into my political past (and I’m sure someone will now), they’ll see that before I was even old enough to vote, I had volunteered for Richard Nixon’s 1972 Re-election Campaign (I was just making canvassing phone calls; even they rejected my teenaged ideas for political dirty tricks).

But I must do more. I must declare my commitment to protecting The Right to Pun. Therefore, following are the punned-up names of all 72 Senators who voted to pun-ish the exercise of free speech:

Lame-o Alex-pander
Whine All-lard
Pawn Bare-ass-ho
Minnie Bogus
Ever Baught-and-paid-for
Rube Bentover
Kiss-my-fur Boned
Scam Brownnoser
Dim Dumming
Bitcher (“Aaron Burr”) Bore
Always-been Card-carrying-creep
Dumbass Crapper
Armed-robber Nut-case Jr.
Sex-fiend Shame-lips
Tummy Rug-burn
Bad Cock-man
Abnormal Cruelman
Accusor Galling
Bent Gonard
Slob Porker
John Corn-fed-pork
Scary Leg
Make Crappy
Dim Demented
Illicitly On-the-dole
Peepee Dominatrix
Buy-me An-organ
Wrong Andsinful
Yokel Dead-ender
Dilated Notfine-Frankenstein
Limpy Greyhams
Upchuck Crabgrassy
Dud Groggy
Schmuck Hateful
Orifice Snatch
Notokay Badly Klutcherdum
Germs Inhuffinpuff
Runny Imasicksonofa
Dim Yawnsome
Lamy OldButcher
Nerd Ghoul
Gomr Pyl
Scary Hairdo
Cheaptrick Laydown
Tonedeaf Liarman
Blankcheck Finkin
Sweat Alot
Snitcher Lugie
Malicious Martinet
Pawn McPain
Glare MyRoadkill
Sonofabitch McConman
Babbling Mistakeski
Fleece-a Muckowskid
Bull Hellson
Beenadumb Dumbson
Many Prior-arrests
Splat (“Pat Robertson”) Dogbert
Clown Sillycar
Jerk Messin’
Bitchy Empty-Shell
Snore-dum Myth
Olympian Snowjob
All-gone (“Phil Spector”) Disrespecter
Braindead Stevens
Wanna Dopoopoo
Gone Testicle
Yawn Chewin’
Depraved Spitter
Gee-whiz Voidinthehead
Mom Warned-me-about-you
Spam Weblog *

Whew. That was cathartic. Frankly, since I am usually an equal-opportunity punster, I do regret not punning the names of the Senators who did not vote for this insult to American Humor. But an example had to be made. I had to draw my own squiggly line in the sandbox of contemporary politics. And so I have.

And I know I may have alienated some of my readers who are either a-political, cynical political bastards supporting this outrage or just sufficiently brain damaged to have been offended by the “Betray-Us” pun. So I have just registered the domain name PunOn.org, where I will be putting my follow-ups to this and other “Right to Pun” content. So, aside from an occasional link, I will return WendellWit.com to its previous non-issue-oriented orientation.

But still, to all those who may not like the punning, you may groan, you may grimace, you may even roll your eyes, but I beseech thee (and three-seech bee), Do Not Pun-ish Us!

*For the record, their real names, in corresponding alphabetical order, are: Lamar Alexander (R-TN), Wayne Allard (R-CO), John Barrasso (R-WY), Max Baucus (D-MT), Evan Bayh (D-IN), Robert Bennett (R-UT), Christopher Bond (R-MO), Sam Brownback (R-KS), Jim Bunning (R-KY), Richard Burr (R-NC), Benjamin Cardin (D-MD), Thomas Carper (D-DE), Robert Casey (D-PA), Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), Tom Coburn (R-OK), Thad Cochran (R-MS), Norm Coleman (R-MN), Susan Collins (R-ME), Kent Conrad (D-ND), Bob Corker (R-TN), John Cornyn (R-TX), Larry Craig (R-ID), Mike Crapo (R-ID), Jim DeMint (R-SC), Elizabeth Dole (R-NC), Pete Domenici (R-NM), Byron Dorgan (D-ND), John Ensign (R-NV), Michael Enzi (R-WY), Diane Feinstein (D-CA), Lindsey Graham (R-SC), Chuck Grassley (R-IA), Judd Gregg (R-NH), Chuck Hagel (R-NE), Orrin Hatch (R-UT), Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX), James Inhofe (R-OK), Johnny Isakson (R-GA), Tim Johnson (D-SD), Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), Herb Kohl (D-WI), Jon Kyl (R-AZ), Mary Landrieu (D-LA), Patrick Leahy (D-VT), Joseph Lieberman (ID-CT), Blanche Lincoln (D-AR), Trent Lott (R-MS), Richard Lugar (R-IN), Mel Martinez (R-FL), John McCain (R-AZ), Claire McCaskill (D-MO), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Barbara Mikulski (D-MD), Lisa Murkowski (R-AK), Bill Nelson (D-FL), Benjamin Nelson (D-NE), Mark Pryor (D-AR), Pat Roberts (R-KS), Ken Salazar (D-CO), Jeff Sessions (R-AL), Richard Shelby (R-AL), Gordon Smith (R-OR), Olympia Snowe (R-ME), Arlen Specter (R-PA), Ted Stevens (R-AK), John Sununu (R-NH), Jon Tester (D-MT), John Thune (R-SD), David Vitter (R-LA), George Voinovich (R-OH), John Warner (R-VA), Jim Webb (D-VA)

2007
Sep
20

Wacko-Guy Wendell

I recently did a post at MetaFilter about one of those ‘forgotten media legends,” the entrepreneur/salesman/wacky icon/brute-force engineer Earl “Mad Man” Muntz. The reason he apparently is a “forgotten media legend” (and also the reason he got a lot less response than a post a day earlier about Cal Worthington) is probably that there are no Madman Muntz commercials on YouTube. There was a documentary made about him a couple years ago, but the filmmakers seem to be limiting distribution to be live events with no more than a couple hundred people attending. And furtherly shocking, there are no illegal torrent distributions of this film! Anyway, with a minimal amount of photoslopping, I have inverted the “M” on his hat to a “W”, making it my own. Kinda. I hope. Subject to judicial approval. Please don’t sue me.

Sep
20

I Think I Broked It

If you’re one of the seven people who visited in the last week, you may have noticed that WendellWit.com had temporarily reverted to the Default WordPress Kubrick 2001 Spaced Awkwardly design. There is a good reason for that. I am an idiot.

While not updating the blog with actual words the last few weeks, I have been working wa-a-ay behind the scenes with the site, actually setting up a separate ‘pilot’ site at an undisclosed url that I used to play around with the not-yet-officially-released new version of WordPress, various plug-ins and format templates (some pre-packaged themes, some of my own coding) as well as testing some other completely different CMS software in the pursuit of making something that could be the “NEW” “IMPROVED” WendellWit.com, and to integrate it with whatever other cool site ideas I may be working on. As a ‘triple-witching-hour’ type deadline approached (the official release of WP 2.3, the month of October starting on a Monday and my mumbledy-mumpth birthday inbetween), I decided to try a totally undocumented and unsupported method to link my pilot site to the Live-But-Just-Barely WemdellWit.com, and it all blowed up real good.

You might say my “pilot” turned into a hijacker who flew this site right into… no, I’d better not.

So, I have decided to rededicate myself to fixing everything up right here, right now-or-sometime-real-soon. And for those blog aficionados who like to know how everything’s done (which probably does not include any of the seven readers who have stuck with me through all this), I’m going to be blogging about the changes in process, kinda “This Old Website” style. Even if you have no interest in such things, I suspect it will still be rather entertaining in the manner of Tim Allen’s mishaps on “Home Improvement”. Because if anybody can electrocute himself by tinkering with a mySql database, or bring the entire internet offline with defective CSS coding, It’s gonna be me.

2007
Sep
11

Today’s Inappropriate Humor

In order to be consistent with national holidays like Martin Luther King’s Birthday, a bill has been introduced in Congress to officially move 9/11 to the second Monday in September.

2007
Sep
10

Finished Business

Remember all those high-concept serialized dramas last fall about kidnappings and hostage dramas and terrorism and fugitives and conspiracies and STUFF? Remember how quickly most of them were canceled? Ever wonder how those stories were supposed to turn out? You don’t give a rat’s ass? Come on, stay with me, folks. I watched several hours of web-based video of unaired television episodes to write about 2000 words on the subject and SOME of it you might find interesting.

Last Season’s Unfinished Serial Dramas

Tidbits that didn’t make the cut the article…

Apparently, if you were a “good guy” in one of these shows who turns out to be a “bad guy” in the last episode, your chances of picking up a new acting gig this season was MUCH better. No, I’m not going to elaborate.

A writer for TV Guide promised to “get answers” for all the unanswered questions about “The Nine” ten days ago… if he hasn’t gotten them yet, we probably will never know how the DA Lady’s hair got cut… nor do we care.

The highlight of the last episode of “Traveler” was seeing the ‘Heroic Black Lady FBI Agent’ (a TV archetype) who was chasing the fugitive protagonists discover that ‘The Big Bad Conspiracy’ had marked her for death when she got the number of the phone call some guy got right before he tried to shoot her, dialed it, and got her FBI boss’s cel phone. Of course, we had already seen him personally shoot down her ex-partner and blame it on a fleeing terrorist, so it was not much of a surprise to the few people who watched it, but the staging of the moment (two glass walls separating her office from his as she simultaneously saw and heard him answer) and the hold on her shocked expression that was not-too-brief and not-too-long was excellent TV-making. And this was the show the ABC brass publicly called “disappointing”.