October 2006

2006
Oct
27

Hollow Weiner

One good thing about my current status of living very alone is that I can be selective about what occasions to recognize, learned from my cranky old father who gave up Christmas after my mother died, At first, the rest of the family feared it was a sign he was falling into a state of depression, but no, it was just a feeling of relief about never being nagged into putting up Christmas lights and go gift shopping anymore (and later on, I learned personally what falling into depression is really like).

Now, I am not going to give up Christmas myself (no nagging is needed for me to deck the halls), but for me, Halloween is history. Nope. Not gonna do it. No costumes (the expense of finding something in my size, the fact that my most imaginative costume ideas are behind me and a lack of practical things I’d like to dress up as – no way I can ever make myself look like Locke from ‘Lost’ or Bloo from ‘Foster’s’) and no candy (my favorite sweets have always been chocolate, and the last time I ate chocolate I got surprisingly ill – and it wasn’t that large a quantity, thank you). Nope, no Halloween. The Day of the Dead is Dead To Me. I am proudly going to be the cranky old guy with his lights out when the trick-or-treaters come around, and being at one end of a triplex, I’m betting that the kids will decide ‘two-out-of-three-ain’t-bad’ and not bother to TP my place. (I will follow-up on whether I’m correct)

And I’d like to thank my colleagues at the “5Top” list at MSNBC.com for providing backup for my opinion, via a list (NOT written by me, Helen A.S. Popkin gets the credit) of the Worst Adult Halloween Costumes. Although, some of the outfits on sale on the Web are even worse (but probably not weblishable by a SFW site). I’ll try to be subtle about this, but be forwarned before you click these links, and please don’t buy what they’re selling or I’ll totally lose my respect for you…

Speaking of TP, and inspired, no doubt, by South Park’s Mr. Hanky, are the costumes for “Bull S#!t”, “Chicken S#!t”, “Hot S#!t”, “Holy S#!t”, “Tough S#!t”, “No S#!t Sherlock”, “Talking S#!t”, “S#!t Hits the Fan” and the “Poo Poo Platter”. Or you could always go out in public as a private part: Male or Female. (But not if you’re 14 years old)

Another blogger known as “Baby Hatchetface” has been running a series of posts on Inappropriate Halloween Costumes (with pictures). But personally, what I fear most is a Baby Hatchetface costume.

UPDATE: Another reason to avoid Halloween. The Evil Fox News dot com is running an article on “killer do-it-yourself costumes”, including “Clark Kent” (dress mild-manneredly with Superman t-shirt under partially unbuttoned dress shirt) and “Sudoku” (requires two large pieces of cardboard). No, I’m not going to link to them.

ADDENDUM: This is the 40th anniversary of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”. That is certainly long enough.

AND NOW A WORD FROM SOMEBODY WHO MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME...
Oct
27

Post No Bills

Now THIS is funny, but I’m just going to make you click the link to see it. Check back later, I may have something to add.

2006
Oct
26

Not Funny

OK, the following picture has been zipping all over the web with the simple caption “Funny”…

notfunny.jpg

Now I don’t mean to get all hyper-sensitivity-correctness about it, but I didn’t think it was funny. Maybe because I recognized the newsguy as KABC-TV’s Marc Brown, kabc_200marcbrown.jpg who has been anchoring there for more than 10 years, and who is rarely ever seen just sitting with his mouth shut like that (see his smiley staff picture on the right ->), so it is obvious the photog caught him just at the instant he was pronouncing the letter “M”. And the on-air demeanor I’ve seen from him all these years is so friendly and benign (hey, he is a Los Angeles News Anchor – it’s a prerequisite) I can’t imagine him resembling a rape suspect even when they have the same nose and lower lip, which to me are the only parts that look alike after the first glance… Brown’s head is rounder and what about Rapist’s wrinkles? Has much of the Web fallen for a somewhat-racist “they all look alike” meme, or am I just too familiar with the news anchor guy?

Still, I just don’t think it’s very funny. Let’s see if we can make it funnier… with my limited photoslopping skills, I’ll put another guy’s head on over Marc’s. How about Consumer Reporter Ric Romero? He’s white, he works for the same station, he also has a mustache, his staff photo shows him with his mouth shut, he and Brown both have that annoying non-standard first-name spelling thing and he is already an Internet cliche for UGOTO (the Uncanny Grasp Of The Obvious). So, here they are, Ric Romero and the Rapist…

thatsfunny.jpg

Now THAT’s funny.

Oct
26

WNDL FM, AM, PM and TM

radiofreemonkey.jpgHaving few formal obligations right now, I am obsessively organizing my ‘stuff’, including my digital files… Having a total of 490 GB of storage space on 2 computers and a free-standing hard drive, that’s going to take a while.

But just as I started organizing my mp3s, mp4s and mp37s, the fine fun folks at MonkeyFilter (the only MetaFilter clone site to survive to puberty) set up, via their chat channel #mofirc, a web radio station. And guess who’s now playing Disc Jockey. (Whadyamean you can’t guess? ME!)

Oddly, considering my roots in pre-Rush talk radio, there is no live verbalizing, and I have been rather unmotivated to prerecord any DJ shtick, so I’m just playing artlessly assemble thematic music sets (taking advantage of my OTHER radio roots with Dr. Demento and 1980’s KROQ). There is a small but dedicate troupe there keeping some kind or another of music playing 24/7 for over two weeks already. And some of them do even more interesting sets than I do (just don’t tell ’em). Youse guys can tune in via this link, and listen to Wendell Wadio at the following times this weekend:

FRIDAY EVENING 7-9PM PDT, 10PM-Mid EDT, Next Tuesday New Zealand Time:
Wendell’s Radio Radio Show featuring all songs with Radio in the title

SATURDAY EVENING 6-9PM PDT, 9-Mid EDT, Last Thursday Uzbekistan Time
Pretentious Rock from the ’70s, when I went “wow” at Yes’s synthesizers and Tull’s flute

SUNDAY EVENING (and probably every Sunday) 6-8PM PDT, 9-11PM EDT, 1968 Republican Time
Wendell Rips Off Dr. Demento Wherever Possible
(in revenge for when someone assoiated with the good Dr. ripped off my idea of using cartoon sound effects to ‘bleep’ George Carlin’s “Seven Words” monologue in 1977. Some grudges never die.)

And during the next couple weeks, I’ll be doing occasional hours of “All Versions of Stairway to Heaven” with thanks to WFMU’s blog.Check this Webcasting schedule for times in your neighborhood (depending on community standards).

I have no reason why I’m doing it, except right now it’s easier than blogging, if you can believe that.

2006
Oct
23

Disclaimers and Others

This Site May Not Be Accessible To All Users

…including the sight-impaired, hearing-impaired, taste-impaired, smell-impaired or touch-impaired. Also the humor-impaired, logic-impaired or those who believe “common sense” is a good thing. Those with impaired senses of balance, timing, security (usually false), order, scale, urgency, history, community, self or snow (I’m looking at you, Smilla) should be just fine.

Oct
23

Nobody Is Making This Up

Of all the writers out there, who would’ve thunk that Dave “I Am Not Harry Anderson” Barry would be at the center of a battle over academic free speech*. Anyway, as a Freedom Loving Guy Who Really Doesn’t Enjoy Being Controversial But Sometimes Enjoys Being Naughty, I must declare my solidarity by weblishing the quote that got in trouble:

“As Americans, we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.”

For the record, as one whose main source of income (subsidising this very unprofitable blog) is Social Security Disability and who actually went through a less-than-average hassle qualifying for it and is definitely not eager to get re-reviewed, let me say that the opinion expressed does not represent the views of this blog.

Then again, this quote dovetails nicely with the 2400-year old quote from Chinese military strategist Sun-tzu: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Although I always thought it had to do with having lots of friends in a crowded apartment building but not being afraid to piss off the people on the immediate other side of the wall. Now you know why I haven’t been updating this blog. My mind wanders and I have to run to catch it.

*All those who think ‘academic free speech’ is an oxymoron, raise your hands. Last millennium, when I was a college student, I had a history professor who loved Fidel Castro, an economics professor who loved Milton Friedman and a college radio advisor who loved Top 40, and I knew better than to disagree with any of them.

2006
Oct
17

There’s No Business IN Show Business

Forget the Onion, SNL, Letterman’s Top 10, Wait Wait or any other source of contempoaray humor. These days, the funniest stuff is coming straight from the Show Biz News. And I don’t mean the celebrity-obsessed Entertainment Tonight stuff; I mean the Biz of the Show, as it arrives weekdays in my email via Cynopsis.com. Dig these cra-azy headlines!

Spike TV will debut the fifth season of the opposite match-up showdown series MXC on November 10 at 12a. The 13-episodes will feature such diversities in competition as MySpace vs. Superheroes, Famous Felons vs. Babe Magnets and The White House vs. The World. (They should swap those first two pairings – MySpace vs. Babe Magnets and Famous Felons vs. Superheroes – and The White House vs. The World? Don’t we see that every day on the News channels?)

The HorseTV Channel will… (need I say more?)

The next MyNetworkTV primetime series… has a promotional partnership involving Wal-Mart, as the series’ lead character… will be outfitted in the retailer’s Metro 7 apparel line. (On the one hand, NewsCorp and Wal-Mart? This is the true “Axis of Evil”. But a current MyNetwork show is set in the world of high-fashion, right? And it’s going to be replaced by a show with wardrobe by Wal-Mart? Big letdown, bad omen for the net, or just going for the “Ugly Betty” audience?)

SOAPnet has launched SoapU, a new platform showcasing student videos who want to be future stars, producers or directors. (I sent my kid to Harvard to become the next Susan Lucci. Sad.)

FremantleMedia and Mobliss are teaming up to launch the new mobile phone channel, Atomic Wedgie… (Whatever you do, DON’T PUT YOUR CEL PHONE IN YOUR PANTS POCKET!)

On Top Chef last season, Chef Lee Anne Wong didn’t win the competition, but clearly was noticed by the folks at Bravo. Wong will get her own broadband-based series called Top Recipe: The Wong Way to Cook (Best. Cooking. Show. Title. Ever.)

…an untitled action/comedy (in development) for The CW described in Hollywood Reporter as Batman meets Sex and the City. It seems there are two best friends, both women, who after some inexplicable event have superpowers and use them to fight crime. (Are we ready for “Mr. Big, the Supervillain”? Anyway, it sounds more to me like “Heroes” meets “Laverne and Shirley”…)

MTV Networks has acquired Quizilla.com from Gorilla Nation Media, LLC for its Nickelodeon/MTVN Kids and Family Group. (Today’s quiz: “Which sign that the Web 2.0 Bubble is about to burst are YOU?”)

The Giddy Gander Company has named Heidi Schwartz as Director of Licensing for its preschool property The Wumblers. (I just like to say “Giddy Gander and the Wumblers with Heidi Schwartz”, don’t you?)

GLR Networks‘ newscast service, Minuto 60, has extended its length to 5 minutes duration, every hour, on the hour. (Doesn’t that make it “Minuto Uno thru Cinco”? And you thought I wasn’t bilinguistic.)

Mushking, The Guardians of the Forest, the animated adventure series, has been picked up by brand management group, Elastic Rights. (This is a deal in Europe… let’s face it, a company called “Elastic Rights” ain’t gonna fly in Hollywood today. BTW, who wants to be a Mushking?)

With so many jokes writing themselves, I’m glad I’m NOT doing this for a living.

2006
Oct
16

Best. Quote. Ever.

I know this is old news already, but it just belongs on my blog*: ?We do not have a smoking cow at this point.? Just remember, this bad produce came from the Salinas Valley, while all the agricultural products of San Luis Obispo County are of the purest quality, except maybe the product of this winery:

“Corkscrewed” will chronicle the misadventures of “American Idol” producers Nigel Lythgoe and Ken Warwick as they try to turn their 168-acre vineyard in Paso Robles into a success while battling wild boars and rot along the way.

I know of no wild boars in Paso Robles. Just regular bores.

*Besides, I just want to see how high Google will put me on search results for “smoking cow”.

2006
Oct
15

Complete Listing Of New TV Shows With Numbers In Their Titles Which Also Happen To Be About Late Night Comedy Shows Like “Saturday Night Live”

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip The main difference between the fictional show here and SNL is that this show is produced in Los Angeles and not New York. As a result, the junkie comedy writers drive their own cars to work resulting in the situations that define this show as a ‘drama’.

30 Rock Simply, nobody has yet told Tina Fey that she is NOT still working on SNL, so if you see her, please don’t spill the beans.

20 Good Years John Lithgow and Jeffrey Tambor play two aging comics who guest hosted on an SNL-type program in 1986 and never went home.

The Nine A fictionalized version of how the original “Not Ready for Prime Time Players” first got together.

6 Degrees Basicly the same premise, except excluding Chevy Chase, Michael O’Donoghue and Al Franken, all for obvious reasons.

1 vs. 100 Head-to-head competitions between former SNL cast members who could only do one character (David Spade, Rob Schneider, Jon Lovitz, Dennis Miller, Colin Quinn) and Darrell Hammond.

3-2-1 Penguins Just a bunch of plagiarized sketches from old SNL episodes, cleaned up for its Saturday Morning timeslot. However the Samurai Penguin, Gumby Penguin and Church Penguin bits are still funny.

The Path to 9/11 Controversial miniseries that attempts to blame Bill Clinton for the death of Phil Hartman and the life of Horatio Sans.

This trend has even spread to already existing shows with numbers in their titles. This season, 24 will cover the final day before a live broadcast with Jack Bauer as guest host. On Thirty Minute Meals, Rachael Ray very unconvincingly portrays a gender-shifted version of Lorne Michaels. On Numb3rs, Charlie is hired away from the FBI by NBC to work on a formula to sell commercials on SNL after the audience has droped to 37 people. And as everyone already knows, Saturday Night Live originally stole its format from 60 Minutes.

2006
Oct
14

A Good Natured McRibbing

Woah! This almost slipped past me, but MSNBC.com has published my “5Top” list of Weird Fast Foods (I suggested “Freaky Fast Foods”, but editors always gotta make their own titles, y’know?). In spite of my acknowledged tendency to be ‘too nice’ on subjects really deserve to be ripped apart*, I think I made some cogent (and hopefully funny) points about the menu items that put the junk in Junk Food.
*After I wrote my ambivalent review of the sitcom “Happy Hour”, I lived in fear that FOX would discover I was the only TV writer in America who had said anything positive about it and then use quotes from it in their promos. Fortunately, there’s an Evil News Corp company-wide ban on mentioning MSNBC for any reason.