March 2006

2006
Mar
31

Tahoe. Ho. Ho.

Remember the MasterCard Write Your Own Commercial Contest that I had nothin’ for?

Well, our friends at the Troubled, Embattled or just plain Failing General Motors Corporation are doing something much better. Using a semi-cool web interface, you can combine scenes of their 2007 Chevy Tahoe, music and text of your own choosing to Make an SUV Commercial, and even send links to the completed spot to your friends. What could possibly go wrong?

note: many of these feature naughty language in the text. Not Safe For Everywhere
Well, first some SUV-unfriendly folks used it to make some negative messages about Global Warmng and Peak Oil. Then the pranksters and jokers started in. You know, like me.

Beyond the SUV…

A Guy Thing…The Seats

The Samuel L. Jackson Edition…

Imagine the voice of Don LaFontaine…

Commercials… Commercials…

Law and Order?

A little more subtle Climate Change message…

Other people’s funnies (via MetaFilter, of course):
Hispanic Demographic
Bait and Switch
Viral Marketing Deconstruction
Another kind of Guy Thing
A whole different kind of Guy Thing
A Certain Shade of Green
The Best They Could Do
A Familiar Movie Moment
And another Familiar Movie Moment (or not, you know I like obscure references)

You know, I was going to do something funny for April Fools Day, but I’m not gonna beat this…

AND NOW A WORD FROM SOMEBODY WHO MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME...
2006
Mar
30

Clowns. Around.

If I haven’t been recently plugging my ongoing freelance contributions to the Entertainment section of MSNBC.com, it’s because I haven’t been doing much lately, and what I’ve done hasn’t been much to blog home about. But I can wholeheatedly endorse my first entry into their ongoing “5Top” series: “The Biggest Bad Clowns”. See what you think. Should I have ranked The Joker higher? Does Fast Food Jack belong on the list? (I think so, just for the reason I mentioned at the end) Who’s your favorite Bad Clown? (Go ahead, vote in the ‘not a scientifically valid survey’) Expect to see more from me in that MainStreamMediaSite in the future. Next week, I may have a few words about a certain semi-beloved TV show…

2006
Mar
23

Triple Jeopardy

The whole web is talking about the upcoming online Jeopardy tryouts. I’m on their emailing list (it’s part of my Nerd Cred) so I already knew about it; I just didn’t want everybody to know.

Still, this spontaneous exchange in the discussion at Monkeyfilter just had me ROTFLARINTV*:

*Rolling On The Floor Laughing And Realizing I Need To Vacuum

Mar
23

Target and Feathers

It is the Official Policy of this website to NOT link to retail websites unless I’m going to get a cut of the revenue (hey, I’m honest about it), but when I saw the following printed on the side of a Target shopping bag, I felt I had to give them some serious acknowledgement for (a) environmental awareness and (b) humorous awareness:

REUSE

10 WAYS TO REUSE YOUR TARGET BAG

  1. Tiny Trashcan Liner*
  2. Doggy Duty*
  3. Water Balloon**
  4. Roadtrip Rubbish*
  5. Soggy Laundry*
  6. Ice Pack for Head Lump***
  7. Toiletry Tote*
  8. Kitty Litter Liner****
  9. Tomorrow’s Lunchbag*
  10. Care Package Padding*****

* I can personally vouch for having used Target shopping bags for this purpose. They are larger and made of better material than your average supermarket bag, so I generally save them for uses #5, 7 and 9.
** Oh dear. I wonder if the corporate liability lawyers know about this one.
*** I feel blessed that I haven’t used one for this purpose yet.
**** Never had a cat, wouldn’t know; I guess they need to provide equal time after #2.
***** Warning: Recipient may resent not getting any bubble wrap to pop.

2006
Mar
12

Oh You Tah!

I remain awed by the combination of technical skill and sharp humor in some of the entries in Fark’s Photoshop contests, but when they do something that doesn’t require $600 software packages, not as much. Still, there were a few gems among the easy jokes in their “make up a new state slogan for Utah better than ‘Life Elevated’ contest.” And since I can quote them here without the copyright issues of stealing photoshop images, I will do so:

“We’ve got salt!”

(because you know I love puns) “Just when Utah it was safe” or “Utah’d you’d seen it all.”

and…”Utah Utah a puddytat.”

and…”Utah,Oprah. Oprah,Utah.”

and…”Ucame, Utah, Uleft”

“Visit us, or we’ll visit you!”

“We built this city on rock, that’s all.”

“The Third Dakota”

“nothing to see here move along”

(lots of lame bigamy jokes but one good one) “Two girls for every boy.”

“Sex in the Salty”

(can’t get out without a Brokeback reference) “I wish I could quit Utah!”

“We keep the Osmonds so you don’t have to.”

(Mormon ridicule follows:) “Where secret underwear is normal!”
“Home of all those nice boys named Elder.”
“The Jazz moved here where we don’t allow music.”
“Caffeine Free!!!”

MORE: Another collection of Fark funnies I don’t need to leech images for… the photoshop contest “If all films were produced by the people that doing ‘Snakes on a Plane'” consisted of movie posters with more direct tiles:

“Speed” becomes “Bomb on a Bus”

“Jaws” becomes “Big Ass Shark in the Sea”

“Independence Day” becomes “Exploding Landmarks”

“Raiders of the Lost Ark” becomes “God in a Box”

“Scooby Doo” because “Those Damn Meddling Kids and their Dumbass Dog”

“Monty Python and the Holy Grail” becomes “Silly Knees-bent Running Around English Pig-Dogs”

“Planet of the Apes” becomes “Damn Dirty Apes (and Some Pretty Skanky Human Beings Too”

“Lost in Translation” becomes “Deadpan in Japan”

“X-Men” becomes “Good Mutants Fighting Evil Misunderstood Mutants All Wearing Tight Kinky Outfits”

“Cast Away” becomes “Talking to a Volleyball”

“Tootsie” becomes “Focker in a Dress”

“Reservoir Dogs” becomes “Violent Guys in Dark Suits”

and “The Day After Tomorrow” becomes “Global Warming Screws Humanity (from the director of “Exploding Landmarks”)”

Some went the already-frequently explored route of making the title a plot spoiler (“Rosebud = Sled”, “He’s Already Dead”, “War With Aliens Who Apparently Die from the Flu”), and some were more editorializing than descriptive (“The Matrix” becomes “Sort of Like TRON but with Cooler Effects” and “Memento” becomes “One Extended Gimmick”) but more than the usual Farky funniness… probably better enjoyed WITH the graphics, so go ahead and click the link. Go ahead. Fark isn’t that scary.

Mar
12

My Scrubs Title

One of the enquiring minds at MetaChat.org asked the assembled membership for their own personal “sitcom tagline”. Although originally intended to recycle lines from classic shows (How many of us would say “yadda yadda yadda” and how many would say “sit on it”?), it raised a creative side-question: If I were an original character on a sitcom, what would my catch phrase be?

Hard to say, so I ask my three regular readers which of the following would best fit a sitcom Wendell:

“Hello, anybody…”

“All seriousness aside…”

“That’s easy for me to say!”

“Put it on your blog.”

“And the crowd goes mild…”

“With the playing of our familiar theme…”

“I can’t legally do that in this state.”

“It’s (modern annoyance), not Krakatoa.” [Too obscure? Vesuvius?]

(Sincerely impressed) “I am leaving stains!”

(Angry) “Once more and I’m gonna forcably remove your… (various endings include: spleen, uvula, shakra, moustache, inner child, implants, elbows…)

“Did I have to wear clean underwear for that?”

“I didn’t survive (puberty, the 80s, my first marriage, the flesh-eating virus…) for this!”

“I can’t top that. Good night, anybody!”

If I ever could’ve put stuff between carch prases like that, I’d have been a sitcom writer.

2006
Mar
10

Why Didn’t This French Guy Visit Lake Wobegon?

Who likes Garrison Keillor? Who is like me and used to like Garrison Keillor? Did you see the scathing criticism he made of a French author Bernard-Henri Lévy’s scathing criticism of America? Did you see the following, which I consider one of the best paragraphs Ol’ Prairie Home Guy has written in a long time?

And what’s with the flurries of rhetorical questions? Is this how the French talk or is it something they save for books about America? “What is a Republican? What distinguishes a Republican in the America of today from a Democrat?” Lévy writes, like a student padding out a term paper. “What does this experience tell us?” he writes about the Mall of America. “What do we learn about American civilization from this mausoleum of merchandise, this funeral accumulation of false goods and nondesires in this end-of-the-world setting? What is the effect on the Americans of today of this confined space, this aquarium, where only a semblance of life seems to subsist?” And what is one to make of the series of questions – 20 in a row – about Hillary Clinton, in which Lévy implies she is seeking the White House to erase the shame of the Lewinsky affair? Was Lévy aware of the game 20 Questions, commonly played on long car trips in America? Are we to read this passage as a metaphor of American restlessness? Does he understand how irritating this is? Does he? Do you? May I stop now?

Can you imagine Lévy and Keillor as contestants on “Jeopardy?” Or doing that “Questions Only” game on “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” And if so, which one of them would be Colin Mochrie?

And if I keep doing this, will I lose the last three regular readers this blog has?

2006
Mar
9

You’ll Find This Very Funny If You’ve Ever Been Diagnosed With A Mental Disorder

If the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is going to have any credibility in the modern era, it’s gonna have to lose the roman numerals and get digital: DSM-IV-TR? That’s so Microsoft, they should call it Mental Service Pack 2. DSM 4.1, now that makes sense.

Everything is better digital. I’m actually looking forward to Rocky 6.0…

And what’s your pre-season prediction on Super Bowl 41.0?

And let’s face it, we’d all feel better about Academy Awards 78.1…

2006
Mar
6

Double Dinette Dare You

antigriddle.jpg

This, via the too-hip-for-its-own-good boing boing, is the Anti-Griddle. By keeping a consistant surface temperature of minus-30ºF, it can quickly and creatively freeze almost anything. If this device ever ends up in a household with children under the age of, say, 23, I guarentee you somebody will get their tongue stuck on it. It was the same thing when I was younger: “You can’t have a Salad Shooter. You’ll shoot your eye out.”