January 2006


Suit Up Part Deux

For those of you who are Pop Culture Savants like yours truthinessly, the reference in the title of the previous post should have left you smiling, nodding your heads and respecting the Wendell .5% more than before. Yes, I was relating the Gorrila Suit Day holiday to the catchphrase of this year’s most entertainingly obnoxious new sitcom character: “How I Met your Mother’s” Barney, portrayed uproariously by Neil Patrick “Doogie” Harris. One wonderful thing about this lovable stinker is not just that this fictional character has a blog, but that it is perfectly in character for him to have a blog. Which is not so much the case for the other most recent fictional character to get a blog: Chewbacca. But if a ficticious memoir can continue to be a best-seller after Oprah has evisceratd the author on live TV, then there is nothing wrong with fictional TV characters having blogs. Regerttably, it is too late for Buffy the Vampire Slayer to have a LiveJournal, or West Wing’s Leo McGarry to do a poli-blog, and a blog by (“His Name Is…”) Earl would be far beyond the ability of any spellchecking program to make readable. But, hey, don’t they still have a computer down in the hatch on “Lost” island? I think Hurley should get himself a Free Blogspot account (but hey, he could affort to pay for TypePad).
If there’s one thing most TV characters have in common with most Bloggers, is that you’re grateful that you don’t have to meet up with either in real life.


Too Much Information About Me

Wendell Wittler is a veteran A.W.O.L. weblogger and former owner of the site OneSwellFoop.com (which fell out of his control during one of his frequent personal financial crises and is currently owned by a slimy cybersquatter who thinks he’ll make some money off it. Not in your wettest dreams, bub.)

Formerly holding the title of Los Angeles’ lowest-paid radio personality, he nearly conned his way into the Guinness Book of World Records in 1975 for the “longest wait on hold” as part of a talk radio stunt and was the first American media person allowed to record an interview on the floor of Lloyds of London. As a freelance contributor to the “People’s Almanac/Book of Lists” series of pop reference volumes in the ’80’s, his only credit in print was for the article on Schopenhauer in “Intimate Sex Lives of Famous People”. Such is the fleeting nature of very minor fame.

Additional biographical material will be added as soon as he emerges from a severe bout of depression.


My Sleep Number is ?

Can’t take total credit for this one. A poster at the Blank Label Comics Message Board called Graaille made the funniest comment on their self-proclaimed Chaos Thread!

I hooked my sleep number bed up to a high pressure system and a random number generator. I wake up feeling refreshed, on the floor, in the closet, in the bushes outside my window……

To which I dutifully replied…

Have you ever woke up (a) on the ceiling (b) UNDER the bed or (c) folded over kissing your own ass?

Instead of air, fill it up with water, then set the number for wave height.

I love forums that support silly threads, and it makes sense that a collective of some of the funniest webcomics (including the one that did that super-caricature of yours truly over in the left sidebar) would also have the funniest message boards.

They also have a thread that recreates the old “Whose Line” game “Questions Only”.

And, oh yeah, the webcomics, like Schlock Mercenary, Ugly Hill, Starslip Crisis and the already-mentioned-in-the-left sidebar Evil Inc. These are dangerous people to associate with. They even motivated me to acquire a Wacom Drawing Tablet (cheap) to show myself how badly I draw. But if you enjoy hip humor, sci-fi and fantasy without the video games and furries that seem to dominate the webcomic world, Blank Label is a good place to point your browser.

There. NOW will you guys let me back in the Forums?


Blah Blah Blah My Blog Blah Blah Blah

It’s not Groundhog Day, but I’m going to peek out of my little internet burrow, look around, and see if I should dedicate another six weeks to NOT blogging.

Hmmm…. Looks safe.

Now, if I can keep the day from repeating over and over again, I’ll have it made.

You may notice some minor changes in the formatting, particluarly, the link to a different hosting service than I had before (yes, I’m going Dreamhosty). This also means the Archives have once again gone *poof* (although the new, hip sound effect for something vanishing is *poit*), and will be slowly and laboriously reconstructed.

Seriously. I am resuming blogging.


Cross my heart and hope… oh, my cardiologist made me promise not to do that.


I’m having a hard day.

The Mythbusters just proved I don’t exist.


Advice for Job Seekers

Here are some good words to use to make a fully obscure job description:

Analyst (good if you’re very anal, or just a big ass)

Specialist (just don’t mention what you specialize in)

Associate (just affix to the beginning of your boss’s job title… unless it’s Analyst or Specialist)

Spokesmodel (must be able to point at things)

Whistleblower (get that in your job description and you’ve got it made)

CONSULTANT (the Holy Grail of non-descriptive job descriptions)

and don’t ever let them call you “Temp”, you’re Interim!


Critical Thinking… Hmmmm.

I once got into Critical Thinking, but my condition improved to Serious Thinking, then to Stable Thinking…

ADDENDUMUM: I wonder if Rober Ebert ever took courses in Critical Thinking.


You’ve Escaped My Clutches This Time, Dave Barry…

Okay, Ive never flip-flopped the number of dead miners vs. live miners, but I do make mistakes in my blogwriting, and as I was looking for some way to set myself apart from the 37 million bloggers out there, I’ve decided to openly admit mine. Therefore, this category.

There was an error in my recent entry about entry about Dave Barry’s 2005 in Review. I was incorrectly assuming that the 1988 movie title converted to a headline in the Washington Post was his idea. How could I have forgotten the Ultimate Editor’s Perogative? That is, if he/she is constrained from altering anything else in a writer’s piece, the editor still has absolute power over the headline (in the name of ‘fitting the page’). The title “A Year on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown” was obviously the work of a WaPo* editor whose sense of humor is – let’s call it “less mainstream than Dave Barry’s”, shall we? This became obvious to me when I saw the same article on the Miami Herald website with the big words on top: “Wilma, Rita, Katrina: No Matter How You Stack It Up, 2005 Blew“.

Now the MiHe** is considered Barry’s “home paper”, so if he’d have any input with the editor over choice of headlines, I’d think that it’d be this one, if only to scream “WHA-A-A-AT!” loud enough and often enough at previous ill-toned titles to be slightly aware of what His Daveness finds acceptable. Still, I have a feeling the World’s Most Overexposed Humorist may have given up on headline editors by now. Maybe that’s why he quit the regular column.

*that’s a hip inside journalistic abbreviation for “Washington Post”, not a sound effect from an x-rated cartoon.
**a hip inside journalistic abbreviation for “Miami Herald” that I just made up, and hope will become a fast-spreading meme.


More Torment of Roses

I’m reporting here from Pasadena where the Rose Parade passed by two days ago but enough adhesive dripped from the floats in the rain to affix me to the sidewalk. HELP!


You’re Voted Off the Island, “Git-Er-Done”

Okay, the Rose Parade is a day late, the bowl games drag on through Wednesday, but one New Year’s tradition is right on time. It’s Lake Superior State University’s Annual List of Banished Words.

This year’s instant cliches:

  1. SURREAL (a formerly useful word, recently abused bySurreality TV)
  2. HUNKER DOWN (I’d rather hunker UP myself)
  3. PERSON OF INTEREST (a new criminal-justice weasel word to seperate the people we know are guilty – the Suspect – and the ones who only might be guilty)
  4. COMMUNITY OF LEARNERS (the latest dumbing-down of Education)
  5. UP OR DOWN VOTE (zero-sum politics, no compromises please…)
  6. BREAKING NEWS (this one was doomed when promos for “The Daily Show” started saying “When news breaks, we fix it.”)
  7. DESIGNER BREED (if your human pedigree is doubtful, use your dog’s)
  8. FEMA (what do you expect from a government agency named after a bone in your leg?)
  9. FIRST-TIME CALLER (the public deflowering of talk radio virgins – this one’s been a bone in my throat since my radio days in the late 1970s when I used to annoy talk jocks regularly as “a 37th-time caller”)
  10. PASS THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU! (another one that’s been around way too long… remember, they also pass the cost increases to you)
  11. 97% FAT FREE (3% fat. got it.)
  12. AN ACCIDENT THAT DIDN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN (quick – tell me about an accident that had to happen)
  13. JUNK SCIENCE (now we call it Religion)
  14. GIT-ER-DONE (can we just send Larry the Crapple Guy to Siberia?)
  15. DAWG (sadly, the memory of Deputy Dawg cartoons are totally lost)
  16. TALKING POINTS (as used by talking asses)
  17. HOLIDAY TREE (you don’t have to believe in the mythological “War on Christmas” to believe this is a stupid term… maybe someday, when the marketers start selling Arbor Day decorations)