I can’t seem to get my head into the concept of doing “Year in Review” stuff a whole month before New Year’s… it’s like the media has decreed that nothing is going to happen in December. Just imagine if all the U.S. newspapers in 1941 had done their Year-End Wrap-Ups on December 6th…
Anyway, in a sincere effort to buck this trend, I am now going to flash forward to the biggest news stories of New Year’s Day Twenty Years in the Future!
- Ryan Seacrest admits being the result of a failed attempt to clone Dick Clark
- an outbreak of Floral Flu results in the total quarantine of the Rose Parade
- a dirty bomb is set off in Times Square but nobody notices
- the BCS moves all the Bowl Games to May at request of the TV networks
- a class action lawsuit for flying cork victims results in the banning of champagne
- and China attempts a hostile takeover of the holiday, but too many people accidentally date their checks “Rat” instead of “Monkey”
After all that, New Year’s Day is cancelled for the next five years: 2026, 2026, 2026, 2026 and 2026.