from the "Attempted Wit" Dept.

2008
Nov
9

Curses Foiled Again

Apparently tinfoil hats are OLD & BUSTED. The NEW HOTNESS is tinfoil underwear. Which makes sense since among the people who fear Radio Control Waves, the mind is not the worst thing to lose control of.

But according to a twitterpost by The Infamous Warren Ellis (his full name), even that is on its way out:

Very few people are enticed by tinfoil underpants, whether I refer to them as Immense Radio Armour or not.

    There are other problems with tinfoil underpants:

  • People can always hear you coming.
  • No choice between boxers and briefs. They’re all Oven Bags.
  • The ‘protective cups’ are made of paper and pastel colored.
  • When it gets too hot, you are literally roasting your nuts.
AND NOW A WORD FROM SOMEBODY WHO MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME...
2008
Nov
4

Goodnight America

I have taken down my “I VOTED (BY MAIL)” badge from the sidebar and was considering replacing it with something. I did kind of like this (which I tastefully reduced from an even-more-obnoxious size), from a blog with a sincerely bad attitude:
I Farted Sticker

But it’s not really my style (SBD: Silent But Deadly).

I think I’ll wait until tomorrow. Start fresh. (Remember, if you DON’T want freshness, I am making stale snarks in the general direction of the election @ Twitter)

2008
Oct
27

Addicted to Twitter

I have just reached my 5000th “update” on Twitter. Until about two months ago, I didn’t care much for the place, but then I got into the @ function, the Twitter Reply, which allowed me to make smart-ass responses to other Twitterers, including People I Follow On Twitter Who Are More Famous Than I Am (in the future to be referred to as the PIFOTWAMFTIA). And occasionally I get direct responses (140 characters is more than most of the email responses I’ve received from celebrities). I believe I have interacted more with ‘Professional Journalists’ (dubious as a profession, but a significant class of celebrity) via Twitter in the last few weeks than in my entire life (part of which has been as a Freelance Writer). Still waiting to see a pithy tweet-quote of mine in a genuine Dead Tree (or as Opus called them “Krispy Kleenex”) publication, but it will happen. And when it does, I will fail miserably at capitalizing on it. And life goes on. Oh blah dee.

2008
Oct
2

Show Me A Sign!

One more campaign sign before before the Vice Presidential debate tonight.

I’ll have some non-partisan (or at least third-party or sixth-party) campaign nonsense later, but my replacement for the laptop that drowned has arrived two days early (free shipping was supposed to be ground, but it came by air!) and I’ll be spending a lot of time getting it set up. Also, since it’s a reconditioned ThinkPad made in China, I’m having it tested to melanine.

2008
Sep
29

Jack So Disbarred Thompson 3: the wreckening

This will be my final word(s)on this particular topic, but I see that someone else has registered JackThompsonIsSoDisbarred.com, collected 83 examples as of Saturday (but no update since) and is accepting more examples (along with “an amusing title image or css design”) at a Gmail address. I couldn’t have done a more half-assed job myself, and I am a Half-Assed Website Master. I’ll show the few JTISD.com has that aren’t from Twitter at the bottom of this list, thus completing the Circle of Internet Content Copyage.

Meanwhile, back at the Twitter:
Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.

2008
Sep
28

Wendell Twitters and Burps

The main reason I haven’t been keeping up the blog this last week is that I went in for an overnight “Sleep Study”, returned with a bunch of “electrode glop*” in my hair and, having ended the 8-hour test sleepier than I started, tried to wash out the glop NOT with a normal shower but with a big bowl of warm water and a washcloth on the table next to my bed… right next to the laptop computer I use to blog in bed (yes, I am that disabled/lazy). And of course, most of the water spilled right onto the keyboard of the laptop and the display flashed and went off, never to go on again. I had already altered WordPress’s “update your blog anywhere” features to work best (i.e. only) with that laptop, and Twitter was so much easier to communicate with, even if I was limited to 140 characters at a time, AND YOU CAN SEE RIGHT HERE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I AM NOT LIMITED MY GOD I AM SO WORDY.

One I got the backup laptop able to blog, I wasted a lot of time “fixing” my design to render properly on Internet Explorer 6.0 (the only major browser where the rounded corners do a weird little levitation thing that looks crappy). Actually, it was never successfully “fixed”, and my only message to IE 6.0 users is: UPGRADE YOUR FRAKKING BROWSERS!!! GET INTO THE 21ST CENTURY, YOU EEDIOTS!!! EVEN MICROSOFT HAS A NEWER VERSION!!! ARE YOU AFRAID OF 7??? IS IT BECAUSE 7 ATE NINE???

Anyway, since I have said a few brilliantly funny things on Twitter lately, I will be recycling them in the next few posts (often expanding from the 140 character limit to my usual blather-til-you-drop style). And, of course, document the rest of the “So Disbarred” Twitter Meme, which I am right now regretting I got started with.

So stay tuned, fasten your seat belts, tip your waitress and GET A FRAKKING DECENT BROWSER, MORANS!!!

*that’s a Medical Term

Sep
28

Jack Disbarred is So Thompson

My Internet Idol Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg has made Twitter approximately 75% more fun (if not any more useful) with what he calls “Twitter Mobs” or “audience participation comedy”. He occasionally puts out a funny meme (like substituting “Mothra” for “Mother”), posts a few examples, and lets his just-under-a-thousand Twitter followers pick it up and run with it… often into a wall.

Being one of the Sjöbergazzi, I have been one of the first to jump on his rickety bandwagons, and take pride in some of my silliness (Now you know what I’ve been doing instead of blogging). But the only way to follow the fun is via Twitter Search, which is not so good for the Internet Permanent Record (rejected @ MetaFilter), so, since it’s one of those “somebody’s got to do it” things and I’ve been doing self-esteem exercises where I repeat “I am somebody” over and over, I decided to create a more static digest of the best Twitter Mob Meme yet: “Jack Thompson is SO Disbarred”
Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.

2008
Sep
18

The Triumph of Wil

Apparently the latest Internet Meme is “Facts About Wil Wheaton” which seems redundant, since Wil IS an Internet Meme.

My faves (and ones you don’t have to be a 37th level nerf herder in Worlds of Wargames to understand)…
#9 Wil Wheaton is the Kwisatz Haderach.
#10 Wil Wheaton is Three Laws Safe!
#11a Wil has banged more hot chicks in costumes than you will ever meet.
#12 The current Wil Wheaton is actually from the Mirror Universe, as evidenced by his Goatee of Doom. Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.

2008
Sep
9

Large Hubbub Confuser

The Controversial Large Hadron Collider (they should change its official acronym from LHC to CLHC) will begin operation at about 12:30AM Pacific Daylight Time tonight/tomorrow. Of course, nothing the LHC will do is likely to destroy the world or even depress local property values any more than they already are. Still, I was a little concerned about the exact timing of the start-up, since a cosmic cataclysm would cause me to miss Craig Ferguson. But then I saw that tonight’s guests are scheduled to be Russell Brand and Margaret Cho, both of whom are rather overrated. If anything, that guest lineup may be a greater risk of creating a black hole than the LHC. But that’s just my opinion. In fact the greatest risk of a matter/antimatter accident may be the following day when Obama and McCain will make a joint appearance at a 9/11 Ground Zero Anniversary Party Commemoration. Still, if there were any real danger of the LHC destroying the world, it’s good to know it would happen before THAT.

But if we are all sucked into a black hole in the early hours of September 10th, I just want all you WebHeads, NetProphets and BlogSplitters in my half-vast audience to know that I appreciate your support (which after running Google Ads for three years came to $105 – and I’m so glad that I hit the $100 minimum and Google cut the check before anything happened). I can’t think of a greater bunch of people-I-have-never-met-in-real-life to be sucked into a black hole with. Or sucked into anything with. Maybe I’m getting a little too personal. But seriously, I love all you guys and gals in a totally asexual way and I don’t care who knows it.

Some people say we should all live every day like it’s our last day on Earth. I don’t necessarily agree; I think it would cause me to miss even more deadlines than I already do. And for a while I thought “last day on Earth” meant something else so I was keeping one carry-on suitcase packed just in case and hoping it wouldn’t be over the weight limit for the Space Shuttle. I was recently reminded the importance of Living for Today when I saw a close Internet friend go through the worst of Hurricane Gustav. It also reminded me the importance of NOT keeping valuable items in a structure with a tin roof. But most of all it reminded me how great it is to live in a time when I can have close Internet friends who live 2000 miles or more away in the path of hurricanes while my own local area is having the most boringly beautiful summer of my life. I feel like I’m observing all the catastrophic Climate Change from a safe distance.

But all this talk of disaster reminded me of something. It reminded me that I set up a website called ArmageddonOrNot.com a couple of years ago where people could rate the risk and severity of various doomsday scenarios, but when I went through a period of mild depression I didn’t want to update the site. And now that I am feeling much much less depressed, I still don’t want to update the site. So if the LHC does not cause the End of The World, it is going to mark the End of ArmageddonOrNot.com, because I’m going to shut it down. I just haven’t decided what kind of message to leave on the placemark page, how much to explain and how much to try to freak out the already-apocalyptic-minded people who visit the site after I pull the plug.

I was just thinking to myself “my life is good”, and then I realized that that was the title of a song by Randy Newman, and that song may be the most cynical thing he ever wrote (and that’s saying a lot). So maybe I should reword that. Let me get back to you on that. AFTER the 11th.