from the "Twittering My Life Away" Dept.

2009
Mar
11

25 Things About Skittles NOT!!!

Some of the memes that get created and propagated on Twitter and other “Web Social Media Site Thingies” are good, but it always seems the worst of them that rise to the top. Obvious case: the Facebook “25 Things About Me” version of the previous “5 Things About Me” blog chain letter. And the Twitterizing of Skittles candies… or is that the Skittlizing of Twitter? Still in the battle for #hashtag supremacy (if you don’t know, don’t ask), the tale of the #giantblueglowingcock (Watchmen gone pr0n) does rule. Of course, I’ve heard of several other bloggers getting many visitors from searches for “Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis”, but would I do something like that just to get traffic? Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis. Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis. Any questions?

I’ve kind of appreciated the 140-character limit for helping to train me to avoid my usual excessive pun-on sentence – with hyphens (and parentheses) and any other available device to stretch out a single thought to its tensile limit OR to string multiple concepts together without giving the reader a chance to catch his/her breath, which is usually not my grammatical error, rather my personal style and a declaration of my personal sadistic attitude toward the hapless reader. There, I’ve said it.

So, when given the following challenge by the lovely, talented and standards-compliant Molly Holzschlag challenged me: “Finish this statement for me, but with only one (as in 1) tweet: “If everything is funny, then [add answer here]””

Of course, I had a bunch of possible answers:

“If everything is funny, nothing is all that scary”

“If everything is funny, the people who take things too seriously are the funniest”

“If everything is funny, comic relief actors are out of work”

“If everything is funny, satirists are doomed”

“If everything is funny, I should be allowed to laugh at everything!”

AND NOW A WORD FROM SOMEBODY WHO MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME...
2009
Mar
8

ReTweeting Myself (Old News Edition)

Gee that sounds a lot dirtier than it is… OR IS IT?

Remember, only half of what I say is serious, the rest is just getting your attention. YOUR job is figuring out what’s in which category.

Is it just me or has LateNightDave been lately turning into a Cranky Old Man lately? Maybe he’s getting ready to replace Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes.

If they do hold untelevised debates, they’ll probably be Town Halls held in Mayberry, Sunnydale, Jericho, Springfield, Smallville and South Park.

(for a Political Rock Band meme…)
The Debatles?
The Moody Blue States and Simply Red States
The U2 Party System
Wilson Ticket or Hank Ballot
(with apologies) Rowe Diddley
And how did I miss… The Al Green Party?

Further research shows that many twitter users confuse “Lord of the Flies” and “Lord of the Rings” with hilarious results.

My four-letter desination on the Meyer-Brigges scale spells “DORK”. Is that unusual?

How to tell things are REALLY bad.
My additions: #11 Apple starts selling REAL APPLES.
#12 Michael Richards replace that OTHER Cramer and nobody notices.
#13 McDonalds’ Monopoly Game files for Chapter 11

Hasn’t Science debunked the theory of Identical Cousins yet? Or are they still working on disproving Talking Horses?

“breast cancer awareness Canadian quarter”: finally recognizing the massive overlap between coin collectors and fondlers.

For HEADLINE FRIDAY competition: “Palin says God blessed America with oil and gas.”
…before he knew who was going to move there.
At a loss why He blessed Iran and Saudia Arabia with even more.
That’s in the little-sung thirteenth verse of the Irving Berlin song.
Which is why there’s NO SMOKING in Church.
So they have the wrong stuff in the baptism pools?
And cursed us with phone and cable.
And after that burrito, I feel especially blessed.
…but incredibly had nothing to do with washing your windshield.
(my favorite) Palin family gathers at drug store to praise Alli.

We all construct our own reality. Some of us just use better raw materials.

Yeah, I’m a PC… A PC-13 to be more precise. Brief, non-frontal nudity, mild violence and no more than 2 uses of the F-word.

If you manage it right, the rectal exam portion of your 15 minutes of fame is less than 3 minutes.

Everytime I see Thomson Seedless Grapes I think of Warren Zevon’s “Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner”. Is that wrong?

I used to think the First Captain of the Enterprise was Adam Smith.

I think I have set a personal Multi-Tasking record: 6 things at once (if you include spider killing and peeing)

I’ve been a couponer since they were made from bearskin. Much harder to clip back then.

Headline: “Man Nabbed With Frozen Shrimp in Pants” He had learned much from the time he was caught with live lobsters.

And I though Harry Proboscis was a former Prime Minister of Greece.

Reacting to “Blogs are Dead” article I just wrote: “This will be neither the first nor last time I commit an act of necromedia.” I amuse me.

“The founding fathers knew not to trust the populous” That’s why they owned slaves.

If I read the news correctly, Rackspace has just acquired every rack on rateyourrack.com?

If only all political attack ads started with “yo mama”, the world would be a better place.

I, for one, have a lot easier time working with Socialists than Antisocialists.

Penguins make bad movies tolerable and good movies better. Penguins are the Bacon of the cinematic animal world. It’s an interesting coincidence that you can kill yourself as slowly with a penguin as with bacon.

(to creator of NETTUTS.com) I know TUTS is short for TUTORIALS, but you keep giving me a Steve Martin “King Tut” earworm… Born in Babylonia, moved to Arizona. And if I TRY to pronounce it “toots”, the voice of George Carlin saying “Toots, meet Tits. Tits, meet Toots” comes back to me.

After 10+ days, many Dunkin non-jelly Donuts are more durable than the standard spare tires in most GM models – Consumer Retorts

Why isn’t there any Amateurzac™?

Remember, a rising tide raises some boats, swamps the well-anchored ones, drowns waders and washes lifeguard stands out to sea.

I’ve heard some reporters say a wineglass is an essential reporter’s tool. But then they’re unessential reporters. And tools.

Used to be afraid to shop at Target in the old Cold War days. If the Russians attacked, they’d first hit the buildings with bullseyes on ’em

The 3 Basic Rules of Synchronization are: Location, Location, Location. Or rather: LLLooocccaaatttiiiooonnn.

Most of the opposition to Socialism comes from Anti-Socialists (in the psychological meaning of the term).

Why do I keep thinking “Joey Pants” was the sequel to “Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat “??

The endless “Saw” sequels are like the very definition of things you can’t Un-see. See? See Saw. Been There. Seen Saw. So sowwy.

Did you know that mixing Free Love and Tie Die was the Number One cause of injury among hippies between 1966 and 1970?

Billy Mays doesn’t so much ‘pitch’ as he ‘heaves’ toward home plate.

I once had a place with a floor-to-ceiling fireplace. But that was only WHILE it was burning down.

I took a course in Swamp Management in college, so I am well qualified to run a muck.

There’s a reason Xanax starts and ends with an X. Like Xerox. I once got them mixed up. Results were definitely NOT pretty.

I thought “Succubucks” was the name of a VERY successful chain of coffee houses…

When you say “I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else” you insult one-legged people (and men in kilts)

“Venture Philanthropy” sounds promising… but watch out if he ever announces “Venture Philanthropy Vista”.

It’s called “the Government” when it’s oppressing you, when it’s oppressing people you don’t like, it’s “the Community”.

I like fractals. Without fractals, the characters on Battlestar Galactica would have nothing to say when they’re pissed.

It can’t be repeated too often: DO NOT Tweet while Driving, Bike Riding, Walking, Drinking, Using the Toilet or Toenail Clipping.

2009
Mar
2

Twitterer’s Digest IV (not intravenous)

In which I get my repurposed Twitterings pretty much caught up and prepare to return to more “blogging as usual”, whatever that is:

Stimulusdebate quote: “restart the American prosperity engine.” But it’s like a car I used to have. It’ll restart but stall again after a few blocks.

If you ever fall to temptation ay Baskin-Robbins, you can always say “I said no to 30 out of 31 flavors… well, 29”.

Okay, “King”, I’ve had Angry Whoppers 2 different places. One was angrier than other. Are you zoning for jalapeno tolerance?

This Is Why You’re Fat.com? Honestly, it isn’t. Really. I am definitely fat, and almost everything in that blog looks totally disgusting to me. It’s the stealth calories that made me too much of what I am… “but a Taco Salad can’t be that fattening… It’s a salad!”

Everybody cut foot loose? I tried that once, but the surgeons reattached it.

I keep thinking “shouldn’t that be Australian BRushfires?” but no, it’s in the Australian Bush. And Bushfires don’t care about black or white people.

The way I heard it, the Energizer Bunny was working together with the Morton “Rains/Pours” Girl on a case of a salt and battery.

Yes, Twitter is a Family Medium… that includes Sly and the Family Stone, the Addams Family and the Manson Family.

“Twitter is Conversation Squared” or conversation cubed or conversation rounded or conversation rounded down or conversation times pi or the cotangent of conversation.

I personally find “25 Random Things About Me” to be 26 Things Too Many!

Why can’t I look at the word lobotomy without immediately thinking of the “bottle in front o’ me” pun? I must be seriousophobic.

And Chinese LOLCATs go “LMAO!”

I thought SoccerMoms were the ones who kicked their kids around without using their hands (and HockeyMoms use sticks).

“Octomom” sounds like a Spiderman villain? They’re rewriting the Spidey4 script at this very moment.

In America we believe in learning from others’ mistakes so that we can duplicate them perfectly.

For #followfriday, I follow @thesun @themoney @myheart @up and @jaylenoonmostofthesesamestations

My 10,000th Tweet: Where does a 10,000 pound canary perch? Anywhere it wants. What does a 10,000 pound canary say? TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.

The pun is mightier than the s-word, or even the f-word.

BSG quote: “Does the pot say to the potter why hast though made me thus?” If your pot is talking to you, time to put the bong down Phelps.

There’s a #hashtagmafia on Twitter?!? That explains why somebody left the head of the Fail Whale in my bed.

Most of the buckets on my bucket list are currently in use catching rain leaking through the roof. Need a waterproof file list.

My contributions to a Tank Pun War:
Q: What do you call nostagia for tank warfare? A: Tanks for the memories.
Q: What to you call the soldier who sits on top of the tank? A: A tank top.
Q: What do they call an armored vehicle with an inebriated driver? A: A drunk tank.

Considering “Sham” is part of the product’s name, isn’t “ShamWow imitator” kind of redundant?

Major Bugaboo was a character in a supposed Gilbert & Sullivan operetta that was found to actually be written by Ogden Nash.

The winners don’t usually write the history books until they’re through shredding the books written by the losers.

Costco has more shoppers who suffer from terminal levels of “Entitlement” than any other store.

“What if everything collapses?” Then we get a truly even playing field. Flat, that is.

A Babylon 5 Fan is:
Somebody who believes Wil Wheaton is just a Bill Mumy wannabee.
Somebody who wakes up every morning with Centauri hair.
Somebody who believes Mira Furlen was the best thing ever to happen to “Lost”.
Somebody who prefers Walter Koenig without the cheezy accent.
Somebody who would rather be a Ranger than a Jedi.
Somebody who knows “No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There’s always a boom tomorrow. Boom, sooner or later…Boom!”
Somebody who knows somebody (or has been somebody) exactly like Zathras.

Change of subject: A Farscape fan is someone who is not afraid of Muppets.
Or someone who’d rather be Frelled than Frakked.

I have never known an Ayn-Rand-loving Independent Contractor who didn’t overcharge for shoddy work.

Las Vegas is “America’s Emptiest City”? Sure, after Wall Street made investing the same as gambling it was inevitable.

The Bumper Sticker Remix Challenge:
“I’m so far behind, I’ve lapped myself”
“Say ON to Dyslexia”
“Irreverent Never Regrets”
“If it ain’t broke, you’re not using it enough”
“Mistakes Were Maid”
“A Breakfast Without Orange Juice Is An Early Lunch”
“If It’s Crappy and You Know It, Poop Your Pants!”
“My Grown Kid Was An Honor Student And Still Makes Less Than I Did At The Same Age”
but sometimes, a bumper sticker remix can go horribly wrong: “Jesus Is Coming… Zoom In For The Money Shot”

When StarWars was just starting out, I wrote a little satirical sci-fi: “Darth Nader, Interplanetary Consumer Advocate”. If I’d known then where both of those personalities would end up…

Wonder what would happen if you mixed Mighty Putty with Silly Putty. Something Mighty Silly I guess.

2009
Feb
28

From That Memorable Year – LAST!

Some more Twitter recycling. (I am honestly catching up; this will not go on forever)

You’ve reached the pinnacle, the peak, the acme, the apex, the ceiling, the crest, the zenith. Or maybe the pinochle, the peek, the acne, the apteryx, the sealing, the crust, the xerox.

It’s a flavor explosion! Or a flavor meltdown! Or a flavor mix that gets hot, starts foaming and strips the wax off your table

When I’m in line behind people having a conversation in another language, I always act like I understand what they’re saying. I look attentive, nod, occasionally mumble “uh huh”… it usually keeps them from talking about ME…

Another Economic Bill passed Congress – with amendments: the Financial Utility Buffering Act Revised – FUBAR.

I never got really questioned my sexuality. I let my ex-wife do it.

Lawyer jokes? This is taking attorney for the worse.

Rapture Counter-Argument: We’re NOW in the Tribulations, Rapture already occurred, but so few people made the cut it wasn’t noticed.

Aren’t “one in the same” and “one and the same” pretty much one and the same? This concludes today’s episode of SmartAss Corner

Actors from Mad Men can only appear on other shows set in the present if they wear “mirror universe” beards. Yes, the women too.

Why is it always “Wall Street vs. Main Street”? What about Wisteria Lane, Broadway, Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., Primrose Lane, 57th Street, Sunset Boulevard, Route 66, Pacific Coast Highway, Skid Row and Drury Lane (does anybody care about The Muffin Man’s business)?

Keeping my money under my mattress? Well, let’s just say I’m heavily invested in Comfort Foam.

For Urban School-Age LOLCATS, the Itteh Bitteh Citteh Kitteh Committeh…

(Sept. 28, 2008) “Yesterday’s economic bailout talks were propelled by the need to act swiftly, before McCain wakes up from his nap…”

Like Deepak Tupak in the ad, I’m a human being, not a human doing. More like a human lying on my ass.

I told the guys at CERN “you’re making it too hadron yourself…”

I thought tacky-on particles were what FARK’s content is made of…

L&O Spinoffs:
Years ago I proposed a show about a crime team stationed in a Ford Explorer: “Law & Order: SUV”
If Jerry Orbach was so important to the franchise, then they need “Law & Order: The Broadway Musical”
Based on the “broken windows” policy in NYC, there should be “Law & Order: Extremely Petty Crimes Unit”
“Law & Order: NASDAQ” would have the weekly “who killed the high tech startup?” They’ll never run out of stories.
If they’re going to keep doing stories ‘ripped from the headlines’, they’ll need both “Law & Order: NY Times” & “Law & Order: NY Post”
Considering what NBC really really really needs to save the network: “Law & Order: Cosby” Oh, that’s right, they already did “Cosby Mysteries”. Then how about “Law & Order: Cheers”?
One more in potential bad taste: “Law & Order: WTC”, the serialized story of investigators who are STILL trying to figure out 9/11

I’ve never been a Smooth Operator. Do you need a license to operate a Smooth?

If it weren’t for Gaffers, we would never have any Blooper Reels, right?

The Perfect Tweet: “Traffic stopped, iPhone down, Palin idiot, stock crashed, doc says cancer but new sushi place great!”

The difference between “I <3 the 80s" and "I <3 the 80s 3D"? The illusion that it's closer than it really is?

@wordpress I don't wanna go to WordCamp! I wanna stay WordHome with my WordFriends and sleep in my own WordBed!

You know Mexican Coca-Cola factories still use cane sugar? Right now, I think it's smuggled into Calif. more than the other Coke.

Don Rickles never made it into the "Rat Pack"; he had a totally other Pack of his own. Every time I'd hear the name of one of the other comedians who "liked to hang out with Don" I was surprised… Don Adams, Tim Conway, Bob Newhart… THAT's a Pack. A Hockey Puck Pack.

name drop: I grew up in the San Fernando Valley two blocks from the house Tim Conway bought when he got his first acting job and never moved out of.

I once took solace. They made me put it back.

Did I miss the Twittermeme of the Day? [Substitute Hobo for Hero] I guess it'd take a hoboic effort to find one that hasn't already been done….
But did anyone mention the Greek historian Hobotocus? Or Hoba, the Goddess of Love and Marriage?
Did anybody admit to being addicted to hoboin?
How about the wading bird, the Great Blue Hobon?
Or the wrestler-turned-actor Dwayne ThoBock Johnson?
Would mentioning the Jeep Chobokee be taking this too far?
Still, I'll bet hoboes put off strong phobomones…
Getting a little obscure: Hobophilos
What about the other side? Hobos and Violins? Hobos and Vermins? Hobos and Vulcans? Hobos and Millions?

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: JOE SIX-PACK NEEDS A 12-STEP.

I blame kitties for our current economic crisis with their Adjustable Rate Litterboxes and Derivative Scratching Posts.

The disturbing part is the first thing I noticed about “FLILF” is that it’s a palindrome.

Why am I having such trouble with the acronyms/ initials of current TV shows? T:SCC is obviously Truthiness: Stephen Colbert’s Cribs

Life in a non-battleground state is relatively free of bomb craters, unexploded ordinance and unapproved messages.

I support Human Clowning. As for cloning, it’s the least fun reproductive method I can think of.

The failure of current food technology: “Tasty nutritious pellets.” Pick any two.

Weather finally cooling… a good sign because I’m overheated, undermotivated, overcarbonated and underdressed.

How was it the “Dean Scream” destroyed his candidacy but none of McCain’s strange noises have done him any electoral damage? Oh, yeah, that’s right, only Republicans are allowed to be inarticulate… and adulterers.

What’s the opposite of a Mountain Dew? Mountain Don’t? Canyon Dew? Prairie Dust?

CLICHE DEBUNKING: I’ve been up all night (not sick and not drunk), and it does get noticeably less dark in the last hour before dawn.

Land-O-Lakes is the Official Cheese of LOL.

I had enough trouble accepting “The Green Burrito” as not advertising moldy food, but “Pink Taco”? Like Hooters South of the Border?

My favorite Scanahoovian-sounding word is Bösendorfer. It’s a brand of piano but could be almost anything! The ship docks at Bösendorfer. He acts like a real Bösendorfer. OW! You hit me in the Bösendorfer! The Bösendorfer comes through here every night. Keep off the Bösendorfer! The Bösendorfer Effect. Death by Bösendorfer.

Gibson? Which one? William, Charlie, Mel, Henry, Deborah-formerly-Debbie, John, Don or Hoot? (Henry’s my favorite)

Why hasn’t some Safe Sex advocate ever hired This Old Master Carpenter Norm Abrams to do his “safety glasses” speech reworded for condoms?

Are you sure that’s your biological clock ticking? It could be your biological hard drive about to fail…

“Tragically delicious” is the advertising line for Yucky Charms.

2009
Feb
27

Twitterer’s Digest #Tres

…and it seemed to disappear without a trace for a while, didn’t it? No such luck, I have so many short shots to shoot…

If Anne Frank had had an iPhone, she’d have gotten about four Tweets out before the Nazis would’ve found her.

I thought “Clean Coal” was what Santa gave to White-Collar Naughty Kids.

And the Watchmen Babies movie will be AFTER the “Electric Boogaloo” sequel, right?

I agree it really IS a private matter, but let me be the first to say: Coming Soon from Apple – the iLiver

But carbon footprint analysis is always done sitting down, so it should be “carbon buttprint”.

NC-17? I have ideas that would be rated at least NC-35.

(Contributing to a “Blonde Jokes” challenge… yes, I can be shameless)
Did you hear about the blonde who won a gold medal at the Olympics? She was so proud, she had it bronzed.
What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blond hair? Last year’s Hide and Seek champion.
Why didn’t the blonde make it as a helicopter pilot? When her hair got messed up, she switched off the ceiling fan.
Then there was the blonde who asked Tiger Woods if Golf Balls were as painful as Tennis Elbow…

This is a Test of the Emergency Bacon System. If this had been an actual emergency, you’d be toast, not bacon.

“phishing”, “trolling”… is there any way of Harvesting the Bounties of the Sea that ISN’T a bad thing on the Web?
“-casting” is okay, if you like pods.

Time is NOT on MY side. But then I’ve rarely been allied with the Stones.

I cringe at most Obamerchandise, but love the shirt that reads “Obama-Bama-Bo-Bama Banana-Fana-Fo-Fama Fe-Fi-Fo-Fama OBAMA”. But on an Adult shirt, please. Don’t put your opinions on your kids’ clothing – you will both regret it someday.

Some things I react to the same way Pavlov’s Dog reacted to Schrodinger’s Cat. Or not.

“New housing development called AltaVista.” Nice place – if you can find it. Doesn’t show up on Google Maps.

The saddest thing about not believing in Life After Death? Knowing that those who do won’t even get the chance to be disappointed.

Of course, Canadians call “Canadian Bacon” Back Bacon. Which I guess makes American Cheese what? Front Cheese? Instead of “Freedom Fries”, the Francophobes should’ve allowed the renaming of French Fries “Side Fries”. Nationalist Food is Fun!

If Katie Couric does a newscast in the timeslot that’s usually “New Adventures of Old Christine”, will anyone notice the difference?

On Twitter there is no ‘day’ or ‘night’, just hours when only drunks in America and workers in Asia are Tweeting.

BSG SPOILER: They discover there was a SEVENTH Cylon… but never learn whether it was Pete Best, George Martin or Billy Preston.

We’re all Evolutionists here, because there is NO Intelligent Design on the Web.

Theodore Sturgeon did say that 90% of everything is crap. Although it can also be said that 90% of Theodore Sturgeon is decomposed.

Here’s an easy prediction: after all this “everybody cuts staff by 10%”, in 6-9 months, there will be a flurry of “oops”-based re-hiring.
Easy prediction #2: the minor bounce back in employment will make many “experts” think the worst is over. It won’t be.

In addition to Grande size, I’d like to see a Gandhi size for those of us fasting. (Fast food? That’s an oxymoron)

I prefer pronouncing Route as “root”, as in “The Hollywood Freeway is the Route of All Evil”.

I live just off Highway 101 and sometimes wish I had a big programmable sign to point at the traffic:
“GOING
TO L.A.?
TURN
AROUND”
“YOU
DROPPED
SOME-
THING”
“YOU ARE
IN SLO
COUNTY.
SLO DOWN”
“TOOK
WRONG
TURN AT
ALBQ”

Yes, yes, I know “only Nixon could go to China”… but why the @#$% did he have to come BACK?

My favorite Pun Fight is the Fish Pun Fight, just for the Halibut…
Holy mackerel and may cod save my sole, my puns are roughy trade, turbot-charged with bass boost and can be smelt for miles.
From my lofty perch on Pike’s Peak, I can tell you’re in a real pickeral, feeling a little eel with nothing moray to say.
Don’t let the dory hit your bass on the ray out.
I’m hard albacore and bullheaded enough to carp and sturgeon this until the cowfish come home.
I’m no heart sturgeon, just a clownfish.
And I can be rather shellfish and crabby, so maybe I should clam up before I get scalloped.

New Ad Slogan for Arizona Tourism: “The Home of Second Place Finishers. (McCain, the Cardinals) Make Us the Second Place You Visit”

Some of us barely have paradigms to rub together.

My brain space is invaded so much, I should just put up a toll booth.

Instead of firing Michael Phelps, Kelloggs should have sent him to their more-stoner-friendly Keebler cookie division: “Dude, I see elves!”

If A-Roid breaks Barry Bonds’ home run record, will he get TWO asterisks?

Does it seem inevitable that one of “Octomom’s” umpteen kids will sooner or later be adopted by Angelina Jolie?

I hate people using the phrase “raped my childhood”. Most of the ‘outrages’ they complain of are really no worse than “inapropriately touching my childhood”.

So a/s/l now stands for Angry Southern Leprechaun?

I should add “Community Disorganizer” to my job titles.

2009
Feb
18

Headline Amuse

I have previously mentioned the efforts by Josh Cagan to make Twitter a funnier place by tweeting news headlines matched up with one-liners (All in 140 characters? Impressive!). And recently he has recruited some of his jokier followers (and winners/runners-up of his Punchline Friday competition) to pass the baton (which is even harder than passing a stone) for Guestline Wednesday.

Since Wednesday IS Wendellsday, it was inevitable that I would be tapped (or whacked) for the honor, and this week was it. Despite a dearth of usable stories in the Odd News category, I was able to get into the hot topics (and the previous post was a spin-off of my topicality) and after clearing my throat/mind/spleen by chanting “BlagojovichBlagojovichBlagojovich”, I got into the Funny.

HEADLINE: “Hundreds of TV stations cut off analog signals” Most of which were NBC affiliates who decided “Why bother anymore?”

HEADLINE: “Facebook users protest site grabbing rights to photos and posts” Facebook just sold the movie rights to those protests to Fox.

HEADLINE: “Facebook Backs Down on Privacy Terms Change” …after getting a good look at some of the pictures they now have the rights to.

HEADLINE: “Chimp That Mauled Woman Was on Xanax” I’m sure I heard something about that in the disclaimers in the TV commercial…

HEADLINE: “Burris Admits Soliciting Funds for Blagojovich” But he believed he was in the clear as long as there was no blue dress involved.

(from Josh’s secret news ticker): “Cache of Ice Age Fossils Found in Los Angeles” Apparently attracted to Neil Diamond’s Grammy performance.

HEADLINE: “Los Angeles Nears Water Rationing” HEY! Bring those Ice Age Fossils back!!!

HEADLINE: “Half of Charges Against Pirate Bay Dropped” Now if convicted, they’ll only have to walk half a plank.

HEADLINE: “Sugar-sweetened Pepsi & Mt.Dew coming back under ‘Throwback’ brand” As opposed to their current products known as “Throw-Ups”…

HEADLINE: “New Barbie Doll Based on German Chancellor Angela Merkel” Since she’s a politician, they couldn’t call it an ‘Action Figure’.

HEADLINE: “NY Muslim TV Exec Accused of Beheading Wife” I knew someday those February Sweeps stunts would go too far..

HEADLINE: “Market Crash Leaves CNBC Anchors Speechless” Either that or their teleprompters got repossessed.

HEADLINE: “Arkansas Formally Forbids Non-Believers from Public Office” Because nobody can live in AK very long without NEEDING to pray.

HEADLINE: “Backward green comet makes one-time only visit” It’s probably come to return Perez Hilton to his home planet.

HEADLINE: “Geronimo’s Heirs Sue to Free Apache Chief’s Spirit” And I thought he predated cel phone contracts.

HEADLINE: “Wal-Mart Drops Price on Prepaid MoneyCard” They’re also discounting dollar bills with the picture of Sam Walton on them.

HEADLINE: “Clinton Warns North Korea Over Missile Test” …that it will count 20% toward its final grade.

HEADLINE: “McDonald’s Exec Eyes 500 Stores in China in 3 Years” …requiring Chinese beef industry to expand by at least 3 cows.

HEADLINE: “Westboro Baptist Plans Protest at Flight 3407 Memorial Services” Apparently thought the crashed plane’s “cockpit recorder” was too gay.

HEADLINE: “Watchmen Movie Promo Items Include Blue Condoms” They really know their target audience (1) Male… (2) Unlikely to have girlfriends who’d laugh at something like that (3) Likely to do a PeeWeeHerman during the Watchmen Movie

HEADLINE: “Lance Armstrong’s Custom Bike Stolen at Tour of California Race” What do they think it is, the tour of New Jersey?

HEADLINE: “AG Holder Says US a Nation of Cowards on Racial Matters” prompting everyone in the audience to immediately duck and cover.

HEADLINE: “NY Post Cartoon Seems to Link Obama to Dead Chimp” Imediately criticized by Rush Limbaugh & Anne Coulter for being too subtle.

HEADLINE: “Martial Arts Expert Challenges Chris Brown to Fight” or, at the very least, to record a cover of “Kung Fu Fighting”

HEADLINE: “Gates Foundation Assets Down 20 Percent” Damn, those mosquitos must’ve been expensive!

HEADLINE: “Obama Gets Autographed Shaquille O’Neal Sneaker” Plans to hold cabinet meetings in it.

HEADLINE: “Michael Jackson Auctions Off Bizarre Items” But after recent news, there were no bids for Bubbles the Chimp.

HEADLINE: “Boy marries dog to ward off tiger attacks” I think that was a Saturday Morning cartoon back in the ’60s.

HEADLINE: “Geographers think they know where Bin Laden is” Apparently he was run over by the GoogleMaps StreetLevel car.

HEADLINE: “Study Shows Brains of Lonely People Work Differently” Not surprising, since they have so much more time to actually think.

Goodnight bodyevery! Tip safely and drive your waitress! I’ll be weak all here!

2009
Feb
16

And Oscar Is a Boring Name #boringmovietitles

Ana Marie Cox is a blogger, writer, ex-Wonkette, political party animal, D.C. sweetie, one of the most famous people to share initials with a cable TV channel (and BHO comes SO close) and now, one of the Twitterati. One of the people who can create a subject of discussion just by putting a “#” in front of it, making it a Twitter Hashtag. (If you don’t understand, don’t even try).

And on a Sunday in the middle of a three-day weekend, she gave us #boringmovietitles, which, for lack of a better explanation are titles that are simple references to things that are less interesting than the what the movie is about.

Example: “Home Alone”. If you didn’t know what happens in that movie, you wouldn’t expect anything to happen in that movie. Well, by just bringing up the concept, she inspired dozens of Twittering fools to come up with examples, and inspired me to survey a list of the 1000 Biggest Moneymaking Movies Evah! for boringness…

I will try to give credit where credit is due, but the following are the best of what I found attached to the #hashtag (THAT’s what makes the # important). Any duplicates were deleted in favor of whoever first suggested the title (if I did this right).

@anamariecox: “Transporter” subject of running joke with @lehmannchris [husband IRL not just Twitter] for most boringest movie name ever. Competes with “Apt Pupil.”

@DukeStJournal: How about “The Reader”?

@roadkillrefugee: [disqualified for making up silly titles of non-existent movie]

amc: “The Professional” also.

@sashaundercover: You just mean marginally #boringmovietitles not really bad like “Speed Racer” or “Red Dawn”

@ FifthFloorTom: “The Happening” [almost lost because he used the nonstandard #boringassmovietitles tag]

amc: Husband suggests “Jumper,” which sounds like the story of a sweater, as well.

@stonermc: “Clerks,” “The Missionary,” “Fire,” “The Village, “Dune,” Driving Miss Daisy,” “Diner,” “The Cooler,” “Misery,” “Beaches,” “The Wall,” “The L shaped Room”

@gtfourier: How bout “Taken”

@bwvalentine: “The Constant Gardener” has to be among the most boring movie titles ever conceived.

@g: Have you already considered all John Grisham books-to-screen? The Firm, The Client, The Rainmaker, etc.

@WeeLaura: Does “The Tailor of Panama” qualify as a boring movie title? Or just boring to me?

@MarkWAdams: “Being There” great movie, but title just … is.

@OKnox: “Ordinary People”

@lechatsavant: Would “Interiors” count too?

@TeresaKopec: “The Shop Around the Corner”, “The Fly”

@theonetruebix: “The Color Purple”

@AMF7: “Twilight,” “Lakeview Terrace,” “The Duchess,” “The Women,” “American Teen”

amc: #boringmovietitles harder than #wonkpickuplines [a previous amc twittermeme]. What counts? “Absence of Malice” is a legal term but malice inherently interesting.

@ObeliskToucher: “On the Beach”

@patrickkeller: “Milk” sounds like a documentary about dairy farming that you had to watch in junior high science class.

@myrnatheminx: “The Car”

@houx: “The Room,” “Secretary,” “The Pelican Brief” come to mind. “The Firm” is more #wonkpickuplines

@markowitz: “Husbands and Wives”,”Network”, “The Chase”, “Coming Home” and/or “Mary”?

@Fritinancy: “Love Story.” [somebody had to say it but it wasn’t going to be me]

@chutry: “Fool’s Gold,” “Office Space,” “Dazed and Confused.”

@Kaplan: “The Wood,” “The Transporter,” “D.A.R.Y.L.”

[this was the point where I discovered and hijacked the meme]
Unfortunately, my birthday movie, “September 30, 1955” probably qualifies in the oft-twittered category of #boringmovietitles…
“Cars” “Signs” “Rush Hour” (think about it!) “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” “Home Alone” “The Day After Tomorrow” “Nine to Five” “Eraser”

@SteffChilds: “Heathers”

@yoink7: “It” “Made” “He Was A Quiet Man” “Big Nothing” “Silent Movie” “Helvetica”

@charliesdad: “The Brave One” “Contact” … Nothing against Jodie Foster … “Legend” and “The Game”

@jeremymeyers: “Broadcast News” (that ones for you @anamariecox)

@stonermc: “The L Shaped Room,” “K
rakatoa: East of Java,” “If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium”

me: “Collateral” (especially if you’re a banker), “The Others”, tempted to go with “Dead Poets Society”, “Holes”, “The Butterfly Effect”, and what about “Quantum of Solace”, boring or just confusing?

@JBD1: Also “The Phone Booth”

@DeffoTotes: “Now and Then” “Always”

@roadkillrefugee: “The Piano”, “The Notebook”, and “Airport” (plus “Airport 77 and Airport 79”)

@jillinski: “K-Pax,” “Mamma Mia,” “John Q”

@lechatsavant: “The Apartment”, “The Birds” (good movie), “The Conversation”

@katemc432: “My Brother Sam is Dead” gives it all away from the beginning. also “The Two Towers”

@Josh_Shear: “Cocoon”, “The Doors”

@MatthewGCarroll: in retrospect the title for “The Matrix” is awfully dull.

@Morningsidemom: “Failure to Launch” is the least “chic flick” sounding name out there – sounds more like a BORING rocket documentary.

@InsultComicDog “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever” [this one may belong more to #movietitlesthatmakenosenseinanylanguage]

@AdrianUribarri: “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.” Just kidding! [come on, this is a serious subject, isn’t it?]

@triumph68: “My Left Foot”, “The Terminal”, “Longest Road”, “The Faculty”, “One Hour Photo”

@MimAbbyMason: “Deadly Boring” [good find of an obscure movie, with documentation]

@sashaundercover: “Brick” is a pretty boring title

@ErikRedin: How about “Serenity?” I love Joss Whedon, but it’s the brand name of adult diapers. Also, “The Rock.” Just checked IMDB, there’s actually a movie called “Dust.”

@LaFaucon: “300”

@bcubbison: “Joe” “Dave” “Bill” [an every other movie title that is just a common first name… you missed “Ray”]

@InsultComicDog: Coming Soon: Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience [Bad dog! I said no jokes!]

@nurble: “LA Story,” “White?”

@phil_iott: what about “The International?”

@slurrrrpee: “Ed Wood?” [now they’re getting rather tentative…]

@ChristinaRoo: “The Station Agent”. Also wins for weirdest ever blurb on Dish guide. [documentation not provided]

@FifthFloorTom: I think we should all agree that the boringest movie title is “The Thing”. Then we can just move on with our lives. [I agree.]

2009
Feb
1

Old Twits Never Die (Unfortunately)

fritterlogo
(but seriously, I am catching up… September 2008…)

“1 in 7 U.S. Adults are Illiterate” But is the ratio for people on Twitter higher or lower?

“How do we make money? Volume!” TURN DOWN THE VOLUME!

My CA Drivers License number has four 6’s, three of them in a row. Driver’s License Poker anyone? Even more, it used to freak out cashiers who asked for a second ID. (The Number of the Beast!!!) Sigh, Nobody asks for a second ID anymore. Once I tried to talk my way out of a speeding ticket by pointing out my DL# and telling the Highway Patroler I ws authorized to “drive like the Devil”. Didn’t work. REALLY didn’t work. That’s why I only tried it once.

(responding to @guykawasaki who had commented he prefered to deal with people “in their right mind”) Those NOT in their right mind are an important and influential market segment, especially on the Web. Think about it.

I think @wigu got the New Month Names thing down perfectly in this comic and the blog post following it. Crazuary! Pretenber! Blogust! It’s always Blogust for me…

I retweeted @malki for Absolute Truth: “Wonder if the people who assign undue significance to names (“Obama = Osama!”) realize that their guy bears the mark of Cain”

People yelling “Hey, PC!” to John @hodgman is like a fat guy from a Gym commercial getting a shoutout of “Hey, Before!”

Darth Maul Duck is funny, but what did Goofy do to deserve getting Jar Jarred? What’s next, Winnie the Hutt? The Lion Emperor Palpatine? Scrooge McGreedo? Beauty and the Wookiee?

They’ve also done Star Wars Muppets, and Fozzie makes a good Wookiee. “Fozzie” sounds like the name of a Wookiee.

Nanny State? I think of the current Ruling Class (as of September 2008) more as a Ninny State. Or a State that needs a Nanny. If anybody deserves to have the annoying ladies from “Nanny 911” nagging him, it’s GWB. (Next best thing to prosecuting him for war crimes)

High-speed Internet? Woot.com just emailed me the tracking number for the last thing I bought from them – that was delivered 5 days ago.

Growing up in a Nuclear Family, I always thought it was named that way because of the radiation poisoning and frequent meltdowns.

The Fall TV Season officially starts Monday with the premiere of “How I Went Dancing With 2-and-Half Legal Heroes at the Boston Big Bang”.

MadMattic has acquired Intense Debate? I predict Intense Pressure to put threaded comments on my WordPress blogs. But I LIKE MeFi-type simple comments! Besides, a fancy-pants commenting system only reminds me that (almost) nobody comments on my blogs.

One of @loresjoberg’s Twitter Challenges was to substitute Mothra for Mother… I responded like a crazy mothrafrakker…
Surrogate Mothras…
The Mothra Lode…
Mothras Against Drunk Driving…
Jewish Mothras…
Mothra of Pearl…
Old Mothra Hubbard…
Mothra Goose!
“You don’t fool Mothra Nature”…
Wicked Step-Mothra…
Mothra’s milk…
How I Met Your Mothra…
My Mothra the Car…
“Get these mothra-frakking snakes…”
Unwed Mothra…
the Sly Stallone movie: “Stop or My Mothra Will Shoot!”
@sordideuphemism and others started “Yo Mothra” jokes. I shut them down with “Yo Mothra is so fat, to take her picture, I need two Gameras.”
“The term ‘working mothra’ is redundant”
Remember the old Dr. Hook song “Sylvia’s Mothra”? Well, I do.
Maybe it was a bit of a stretch, but The Smothras Brothras…
Necessity is the Mothra of Invention? I thought it was Frank Zappa
England’s Queen Mothra…
@TarotByArwen beat me to “A duck may be somebody’s mothra”, which, considering how I played the grooves off Homer & Jethro’s “Crazy Mixed-Up Song” was an embarrassment…
Twitter’s @biz didn’t get the MetaJoke… He thought it was all “Your Mothra”, but it was so much more… it was the Mothra of All TwitterMemes!!!
Finally: I have a note that says “Please excuse Wendell from Twitter for the next 24 hours. Signed, Wendell’s Mothra”

I’ve never felt smarter.

This would be a perfect time for the phishers to send emails about troubled banks… now if only they learned how to spell.

Some Spamster has hit me where I live, with a one-word subject line that no Tick fan can ignore: SUBJECT: SPOON!!!

First sign of Autumn: the fog rolls in on Pismo Beach and refuses to leave. No wonder Bugs Bunny had so much trouble finding the place.

Is it still Fog if it hovers fifty feet above the ground at the beach and meets the ground halfway up the hills?

The guy who fixed my terribly leaky faucet (on ER they’d call it ‘bleeding out’) owns his plumbing business and still lost his house to the credit crunch 6 months ago. He was incredibly philosophical about getting hurt just before the bailouts started getting handed out. Just when I get overly-proud of my attitude I meet somebody who’s better at coping with the crap than I am by X*Y-fold. Wow. He was actually more bothered by the fact that the new Price Pfister faucet came with very cheap washers. Reminded me that not all plumbers are jerks like “Joe”.

TwitterPoll: Do online polls have ANY tiny amount of credibility?
TwitterPoll: Is the greatest value of Online Polls their ability to inspire Monty Python-inspired silliness?
TwitterPoll: Which inspire more masturbation, Online Porn or Online Polls?
TwitterPoll: Is Wendell a tool, an asshat or a mere public annoyance?
TwitterPoll: Is a TwitterPoll about online polls totally Meta, totally redundant or totally redundant?

Why is Martin Sheen in my apartment yelling “Break over!”?!?

You don’t drown your sorrows in cake (or pie). You smother them (or as the TwitterMeme goes, you smothra them).

The prefect thing to preface Bush’s Address to the Nation on the Economy in September…

That fish-shaped Jesus logo? Make that “phish”.
I Got a phishy email today, supposedly from Capital One Bank, but the “click here” link went to: http://www.familyencounter.org/www.capitalone.com/index.html
familyencounter.org’s regular site “is a ministry dedicated to helping families be attentive to God and to family members.”
It reminded me how easily (but often ineffectively) Evil disguises itself as Good.

2009
Jan
25

Old Twitterage… Remembering September 2008

Putting “Decatur” and “exciting” in the same twitter is an offense punishable by banishment from the internets.

@malki That shirt design is STEAM beyond PUNK, it’s STEAM NEW WAVE or STEAM HEAVY METAL or STEAM INDIE or STEAM HIP HOP or whatever.

Almost time for #doomsday. Best thing about the world ending in an instant is nobody gets to say “I told you so” unless it DOESN’T.

@paulandstorm I am honored to have contributed to the FunModCon splash page (and extra honored to share it with Fatty Nano)

A free idea for @dcagle: Kermit the Frog debating Palin saying “I know Miss Piggy, and you are no Miss Piggy.”

Classic bureaucrat statement from @hurricaneike “public utilities will remain on during the storm, unless they are damaged during.”

I guess Texas has renamed Hurricane Ike as Hurricane YIKES! (And Tina Turner says ‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you’) I’ve heard there will be a mass burning of Eisenhower memorabilia in Houston (and President Ike was born in Texas). Sounds like Galveston is now mostly under water. And without the Army Corps of Engineers’ help. After it’s all over, all that’s left of Galveston may be the Glen Campbell song.

Meanwhile, on the West Coast, we have Tropical Depression Lowell. Yes, we are wimps.

Post-Ike News: “those who defied evacuation orders to leave plead for help.” Texas residents acting like New Orleans residents? No Wai!

@TheBrad suggests that adding “Between Your Legs” to a TV/Movie title makes it more awesome. Let me test that: “Law & Order Between Your Legs”, mmkay. “The Office Between Your Legs”, naah. “2 and a Half Men Between Your Legs”, BINGO! Sitcoms usually work: “I Love Lucy Between Your Legs”, “Bewitched Between Your Legs” “Friends Between Your Legs” “Happy Days Between Your Legs” “Everybody Loves Raymond Between Your Legs”… YEEEESH. Star Trek titles are interesting: “Deep Space Nine Between Your Legs”, “Enterprise Between Your Legs” “The Search for Spock Between Your Legs”. And for Whedonites: “Firefly Between Your Legs”, nope. “Serenity Between Your Legs”, better. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer Between Your Legs”, hmmm. “Dr. Horrible Between Your Legs”, YIPES! Okay, let’s finish this: “60 Minutes Between Your Legs”, maybe. “Married With Children Between Your Legs”, NO. JUST NO.

I’m tired of self-righteous relativists doing the “both sides are equally wrong” schtick. It always empowers whichever side is more wrong.

Protemplating, living your life on a prepared template without serious thought about anything… the opposite of contemplating.

I no longer abbreviate The Associated Press as “AP”; I prefer to call them the “AssPress”.

Total WOW idiot Q: I’ve seen some people who say their character’s a “Dwarf Hunter”. A Dwarf who Hunts? Or a Hunter who goes after Dwarves?

Commuter train crashes are just nature’s way of reminding L.A. it shouldn’t have mass transit.

I’ve been underwhelmed and merely whelmed, I’ve hunkered up and I was once a gruntled ex-employee (I was laid off from a job I didn’t like with a large severance check).

Spam in the can will last until the next Big Bang. Once the can is opened, it changes molecular structure 11 times a minute.

Some nefarious supplier seems to be passing off strips of solid salt as bacon to several fast food chains.

Bike Gangs are so passe. Segway Gangs are the new hotness in California.

“Create confusion” is what the Social Web does best.

Just spent an hour chatting with a Crazy Old Guy who needed to borrow some electricity to get his scooter home. The Anti-Twitter. Anyone who can out-chat me on-on-one in real life conditions is formidable. This guy was an Olympic Gold Medal tale-teller. 1/3 of what he said was totally incredible, 1/3 credible but disprovable. No way he could have done everything he said in one lifetime. Half-breed Indian from a reservation hugging the US/Canadian border; fought Pirates in a small boat off the S.Amer. coast and won. After defeating pirates with the help of his 4 young kids, he took enough gold from the pirates to pay for his kids through college. Arrrr! He walked from the Reservation to Alaska when he was 10 years old (but didn’t use it to talk about Palin and I didn’t prompt him). He said he was feeling suicidal when he walked to Alaska; wanted the bears to get him, but they didn’t. He said he took three bullets in the Korean War, showed one credible scar, I didn’t want to see where others were. He also says he helped build the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Power Plant near me … and how he did it, maybe I should worry. Yes, I do want to talk to him again, but after an hour his scooter was recharged and I was running out of energy.

I thought Windows Operating Systems were like Star Trek Movies… every other one sucks.

Are you talking about fiber optics or dietary fiber? Oh my, I just realized how those two do essentially the same thing! You mean to tell me Skype is NOT a stool softener product? Ruh roh.

Have you taken a GOOD look at the Django Pony? I suspect if you comb back its mane, you’ll find a stub of a unicorn horn (like Hellboy’s horn stubs). That’s creepy.

I just looked at a strip of raw bacon and thought it resembled lipstick on a pig. MAKE IT STOP!

I’m trying to clean up a cluttered WordPress install. Why did I get a plugin dedicated to “Correctly Spell WordPress”???

Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week, try the veal and tip your waitress… Well, I tried the veal and it tasted like chicken. And I tipped the waitress: it wasn’t nearly as much fun as tipping cows.

I still have a problem with kawaii-cutesy software mascots… what if MS got in on the practice? The IE Puppy… grows up to be a b(r)owser. Yes I remember “Clippy”; at least they never released their next-generation mascot: Staply.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I do not intend the term “attention whore” as a sexist term, and have called MANY men the same thing.

Yahoo’s official color is now purple. Appropriate for a company that with so many bruises. Me, I’m still web 1.0 orange.

I will never forgive Bill Maher for giving Anne Coulter her first major media exposure. And I still suspect it was in exchange for sexual favors.

Twitterfood. Awesome yet terrifying. Tweet and Eat. Microblog meets Microwave. Rachael’s Ray’s “30 Second Meals”.

Eventually, “Anonymous” will find almost everyone (including me) worthy of harassment.
“I did not speak up when they came for the Scientologist, Palinists, other asshole, because I was not an asshole… Then they came for me and, well, those assholes never would’ve come to my defense anyway…”

It’s frustrating for those of us who chose to never grow up that a younger generation has somehow succeeded in being MORE immature.

How could you tell the difference between Talk Like a Ninja Day and Talk Like a Mime Day? Because many people can’t tell the difference between the sounds of ninja victims and beaten mimes.

I thought Tim Burton, LeVar Burton and Richard Burton were all divisions of Halliburton.

Web Standardz Cat Haz Standardz.
WebCat is Whirlled Whyed.
CSSCat haz no tabelz.
And RSSCat Feedz Without Cheezburgers.

2009
Jan
13

Old Twitterings #anotherone

I DON’T CARE HOW FAMOUS YOU ARE. IF I’M FOLLOWING YOU, DON’T FEED ME STRAIGHT LINES.

Our County Fair has a lot of wine (it’s the county’s #1 agricultural product) but Budweiser still sponsors the Live Music Stage.

One of the most frustrating things I’ve ever experienced is being told by my doctor I’m healthier than I feel.

For a Time Lord, wouldn’t the correct wording of that Shakespeare quote be: “To be or to was or to will be or none of the above”???

8/8/08: I was saying all along “for Edwards to be credible in ’08 he has to do something besides campaign for 4 years”… JUST NOT THAT.

When you’re bothered by somebody speaking loudly in another language, act like you understand everything they’re saying. It either shuts ’em up or pisses them off. Result: either silence of big LOLs.

(to a pre-Twitter friend) PLEASE remember that twitter readers may attempt to chain your tweets together into an ongoing narrative… So it is not a good idea to follow “And the plot moistens…” with “Oh man, cheese should *not* do that.”

The reason we fear both Success and Failure is that mostly we fear CHANGE. Which does more to make that Obama dude scary than his skin color or strange name.

I HATE it when I typo “firends” instead of “friends”. It leaves a wrong impression.

The word “HOPE” has just dropped off the TwitterSearch hotlist. You may resume your normal state of quiet desperation.

In my years as a bean-counter, I believed in the Bob Newhart accounting method: “A few cents either way, what’s it matter?” Which is why he became a comedian and I never became a CFO.

I just realized that I’ve gone my entire MAD magazine reading life misspelling “potrzebie”. (I put the z before the r, also screwing the pronunciation)

You can’t see problems when you’re one of them. Duh.

Is @mathowie now Seersuckerman instead of Recumbentcycleman now? Or Seersuckerrecumbentman? Or Recumbentseersuckerman? Or Seercumbantresuckerman? WHAT the hell is Matt?

When you have rye bread, swiss cheese and sauerkraut, EVERYTHING looks like a Reuben. Hot Dog Reuben? Yep. Roast Beef Reuben? Uh huh. Sliced Turkey Reuben? Okay. Hamburger Reuben? Starting to get dicey. Chicken Breast Reuben? Ham Reuben? Bologna Reuben? Smoked Salmon Reuben? Surimi Krab Reuben? Tofu Reuben? Breakfast Sausage Reuben? Liverwurst Reuben? Bacon Reuben? We have a winner! At least I stopped before I got to Filet-O-Fish Reuben. (And since I’m allergic to peanuts, a Peanut Butter Reuben was never gonna happen)

Last word on Reuben-related subject: Corned Beef & Swiss with Cole Slaw (IN the sandwich) on an Onion Roll: The Goy Reuben (Rufus? Robin?)

Words that do not go together: “Taco Bell Photo Shoot”. America’s Next Top Chalupa or Project Get-The-Runs-Way?

I believe one MUST explore the lowest depths of dip-hood sometime. There is no other possible explanation for Clam Dip. (between that an the Clamato beverage, the Clam Advisory Board must have been the greatest PR campaigners ever)

When did the concept of “the Lowest Common Denominator” get replaced by “the Wisdom of Crowds” anyway? I was not consulted.

Does having “77 Resources to Simplify Web Design” really simplify anything?

Suggested positive role models for Wealth: Warren Buffett and his brother Jimmy, Bruce Wayne & Tony Stark, Paris Motelsix.

to @hodgman Isn’t everybody who has ever gotten a book published currently in the process of writing another book?

I have a cousin Mike who’s a former commercial artist turned architectural designer. How would he react if I called him CMYKe?

If a tree falls in the forest and I blog about it and get 0 comments, did I make a sound?

If you borrowed from Peter to pay Paul, then Paul should pray for Peter, or maybe Peg. Yeah, Peg, it will come back to you.

This is the best George Carlin sports-related bit- which he did on the very first Saturday Night Live. (not a clip from the show but the same routine)

The thing is, I was one of the 100 Top Bloggers back when there WERE only 100 bloggers. That’s not famous, just ubiquitous. Or old. Or “doesn’t know when to quit”. But I learn from my mistakes, that’s how I’m able to keep duplicating them exactly!

Google put an ad on my blog: “Blog Writer I Love To Blog – SEO Savvy $35 Per Post – All Topics” Should I feel insulted?

Nerd Supply is what all the cool kids in the 80’s called Air Supply. Either that or Air Heads. Or Dead Air Supply.

Real Republicans don’t believe in ‘living within your means’; it’s something about the Rapture coming before the balloon payment.

I think I am going to start all my tweets with “I think” from now on.
I think this will now limit me to 132 characters.

“Doctor doctor I think I am a pack of cards” … “I will deal with you later”

Why doesn’t Dairy Queen have mascot character like Burger King?

After 40 years of playing fast and loose with space and time, why would you ever expect Doctor Who to have CONTINUITY?

5-Star Trivia: The debut of Doctor Who in 1963 was the first regularly scheduled program shown on the BBC after covering JFK’s funeral.

Somebody (citation needed) figured out email spammers make money if 1 of 10,000,000 respond. With that math, nothing is dumb.

I still can’t believe I didn’t notice when “Whiter Shade of Pale” tuned 40 last year. But then, if I had, I might have killed myself…

One of the advantages of working for somebody else USED TO BE being able to leave it behind at 5:00… less and less so…

(Advice to a famous person who had just joined Twitter and asked for advice…) If you don’t regret at least 10% of your Twitterings, you’re not doing it right. But over 50% – step away from the Twitter.

Reports of Steve Jobs’ death have been highly backdated…