from the "Dubious Content" Dept.

AND NOW A WORD FROM SOMEBODY WHO MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME...
2009
Apr
1

Fool Disclosure

I’m surprised that there are so many April Fools jokes circulating today. Didn’t everybody else receive the Official Notification I got that April Fool’s Day was being postponed to April 20th? I thought it was a good idea; after Easter and Tax Day are over, it will be so much more fun… I’m really looking forward to it. Aren’t you?

2009
Mar
12

Much More W Not So Much S

For those of you who are bemoaning not being able to attend SXSW this year, I’m offering a “virtual alternative”. Since here in the Central Coast part of California is as far SW as you can be in the US and still on dry land (It’s true! Look at the shape of California! San Diego is farther South, but quite a ways EAST!), I’ll be hosting a festival I call CCCXWWWW (Central California Coast by Wendell’s World Wide Web) or TAWTAABIWUAPBAA (Took A Wrong Turn At Albuquerque But I Wound Up At Pismo Beach After All). The major events include:

AGIFF (Arroyo Grande International Film Festival) in which they show every movie Zac Efron has ever appeared in (Midnight showing for “Hairspray” because, hey, it was John Waters’ idea)

MIMUPT (Madonna Inn Mens Urinal Peeing Triathalon) The World Famous Tourist Attraction (in the words of Dave Barry, I’m NOT making this up!) will pay host to competitions in (1) distance (2) accuracy (using that one red rock as the target) and (3) legible writing in a pile of artificial snow from the restaurant ice shaving machine. 18 or over admitted only.

WRHMCCF (William Randolph Hearst Memorial Conspicuous Consumption Festival, in the parking lot at Hearst Castle (to accommodate the Hummers and other massive SUVs), hosted by a group of White Collar Criminals on work release from the SLO Mens Colony.

Other side events will include a concert featuring all the American Idol runners-up who have never appeared at the Mid-County Fair (all 3 of them), an appearance at the Niblick Road McDonalds by the Hamburglar who will demonstrate to residents of the North County how to really pronounce “Robles”, and a tribute to Peter Cook (and Dudley Moore, if you insist) at the Frog and Peach pub where Frog ala Peche will be served and unidexters will get half-off.

I will also be leading excursions through the DMZ between SLO and Santa Barbara County to explore “Santa Maria, the Fresno of the Future” (at your own risk, of course).

wendellrednoseThe real reason I’m doing this is as a way to contribute to the Comic Relief Red Nose Day without having to (1) go to England (2) wear a clown nose or (3) give them money I don’t have. There are some intrepidinsane souls who are attempting a 24-hour webcast (as long as they don’t take the webcams with them for bathroom breaks, we might all get through this) for the cause, and various internet-based S.I.P.s (Somewhat Important People) are doing other things (which I hope the link above will keep track of). rednosenetlogoBut if you want contribute actual money (converted to British Pounds, because that’s where they’re based – you didn’t expect an American charity to actually do something cool, did you?) just click on this logo here and may I suggest an “admission fee” of $5 or £3 for each of the virtual events you wish to “attend”? (although the Hearst Conspicuous Consumption Event should be more)

Since there’s no way for me to actually know what you’re contributing to Comic Relief so feel free to leave a comment here with whatever lie you want to make or send a Twitter to @wendelldotme if you know how that works. Thank you, and I promise not to do anything like this for the rest of the year.

2009
Feb
18

Monkey, oops, Chimp Business

By now, amost everybody’s seen this rather regrettable political cartoon, right?

seandelonas0

It seemed unavoidable that it would be interpreted as “President Obama is a chimp”, and a particularly angry, violent one at that. Actually, I personally interpreted it as “Obama hires angry chimps to write economics plans”, since I first saw it on the Internet and not in its original location in the New York Post which was opposite a page with an article about ‘Obama’s Plan’ complete with a rather large picture of the Commander in ChimpChief. Oops.

Some people I semi-respect have noted that there were many cartoonists and satirists who had depicted the previous President as a monkey or chimp (Un-curious George, those were the days), but considering the long-held and still-remembered racist attitude that Black People were less than human and more like the lesser Primates, it’s not a depiction to be taken lightly. There are other ways to caricature the current POTUS; I’m disappointed the editorial cartoonists haven’t picked up on his “mutt” comment more to show him as a mongrel dog (I could imagine him as Tramp in “Lady & the Tramp” in that spaghetti-eating scene, failing to win over a Republican ‘Lady’, then calling her a Bitch… COMEDY GOLD!).

What disturbs me most about Sean Delonas’ cartoon is its glib, thoughtless comparison of the Massive Stimulus Bill that hands out Massive amounts of money in various forms to a Massive number of people (of various levels of productivity and merit) to the violent attack of the chimp in which he basically tore his owner’s face off! I mean, who’s face is being torn off here? And don’t say “future generations”, because any negative effect, if the Stimulus fails to do enough of what it should, will be totally unlike a sudden violent attack. If Mr. Delonas really thinks this Massive Giveaway is like a chimp mauling your face, I definitely do NOT want to be around his house when Christmas Presents are opened.

Anyway, this got me thinking (which is always dangerous) that, while the Stimulus Bill was absolutely not like a Mad Chimp, some of the Republican Party reactions to it were! So I got out my PhotoSlop software, moved some letters around in Sean’s sloppy word balloon, and made up a version of the cartoon that might be a little more appropriate…

seandelonas1

…except for one thing, Michael Steele, the current Chairman of the Republican Party is technically Blacker than Obama. Except when I thought of the idea, I wasn’t thinking of him, I was thinking of the current Unofficial Head of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, who has frequently played the part of both the Mad Chimp and the 800-Pound Gorilla (not a fat joke). But does it matter? Is the cartoon doomed to be hopelessly insensitive and racially insulting no matter how it’s framed? Well, I did come up with one more idea…

seandelonas2

2009
Feb
6

Foot Faults

montypython-foot-180x161This seemed like a good time to be seriously sacrilegious, so let’s see what we can do with alternate endings for the pseudo-classic “Footprints in the Sand”:

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Scenes from my life flashed in front of me. (They were not in HD)
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
Other times, during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, defeat,
nausea, heartburn, upset stomach, indigestion, diarrhea,
bad hair days, genital itching or Aspergers,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“What the frak!
You promised me that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
Why, when I needed you most,
have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
(select one or more of the following answers to fit your own spiritual biases)

(1) “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you.”

(2) “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when you carried me. No wonder you were feeling crappy.”

(3) “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when you were hopping on your left foot and I was hopping on my right. I thought we were having fun!”

(4) “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I let my fingers do the walking through the Yellow Pages. How do you think you got so many pizzas delivered to the beach?”

(5) “Do you think you’re the only loser I have to chaperon around this crappy beach? Despite all the stories, I can only do the ‘everywhere at once’ trick for four hours a day, tops.”

(6) “Hey, I’m God, I don’t need to walk, I float. That second set of footprints, well, apparently, you’re being intermittently stalked by the Invisible Man.” (adapted from punchline in BoingBoing to make it funny)

(7) “You’re the one following me. You never even notice when I’ve stopped to reapply my suntan lotion and I have to take giant leaps to get back in front of you… which of us is being neglectful?”

(8) “Beach? What beach? I thought we were going mall-walking…”

2009
Jan
28

SmartAss Responses to “How’s It Hangin’”?

For your future reference.

(1) By a thread.

(2) By the chimney with care

(3) At dawn.

(4) Up.

(5) On a wire hanger.

(6) Like a jury.

(7) In effigy.

(8) Over a cliff.

(9) Like Chad.

(10) Ten, duuuude. (thank you, Tom Overbeck)

(11) With Mr. Cooper.

Note: the managment of this blog makes no guarantee for these SmartAss Responses and takes no responsibility for responses to them. Use with caution. Seriously, duuuude.

2009
Jan
25

Dr. Smith Goes to Washington

You Adlepated Amateur, you Babbling Birdbrain, you Blithering Blatherskite, you Caterwauling Clod, you Deplorable Dunderhead, you Floundering Flunky, you Hypertensive Hypochondriac, you Ignominious Ignoramus, you Jabbering Jeremiah, you Know-Nothing Numskull, you Lily Livered Lummox, you Mental Midget, you Monstrous Mountebank, you Nattering Ninny, you Presumptuous Popinjay, you Pusillanimous Pip-squeak, you Ridiculous Roustabout, you Sanctimonious Scatterbrain, you Uncultured Clump (thanks), I was referring to Billy Mumy’s character on The Twilight Zone, not Lost in Space!

2008
Aug
28

The Incredible Truth About Minneapolis

A version of this was originally published, and is incredibly still accessible at epinions.com. Thanks to a link at the perpetually popular “Belgium Doesn’t Exist!” page, I will be required to keep this in a prominent location at every version of my blog until the Internet burns itself out (which should be in the next six months or so – but that’s ANOTHER story). I just did a long-overdue rewrite, so I’ll put it here up front instead of back in the archive.

For those of you who are considering to include Minneapolis, Minnesota in your future “See America” plans, there is something you need to know. But let me first explain how I came to learn it.

It started when I attended a 1998 event at Hollywood’s Museum of Broadcasting saluting “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”. The emcee, Gavin McLeod, announced that all of the show’s original writers were present “except for Allen Burns, who, as you probably know, is so busy with the Minneapolis Project.” There was a scattering of applause, and I, puzzled, asked the sunglasses-wearing-indoors person next to me what the writer/producer was doing in Minneapolis.
“No, man, he’s not doing anything IN Minneapolis, he is DOING Minneapolis.”
And he went on to explain that the metropolitan area of Minneapolis/St. Paul was the totally fictional creation of Hollywood writers, devised to provide a location for the popular ’70s sitcom.
Is that all? Of course that’s not all! Click Here.

2000
Dec
28

What the Onion Didn’t Tell You…

here was that his atttempt to cash in his punchcard was invalidated when the counter clerk noticed that the 7th punch had left a hanging chad. Now you know? the REST of the story.

1999
Oct
15

The Incredible Truth About Minneapolis

Originally published, and amazingly still accessible at epinions.com

This is not so much an ‘e-pinion’ as it is an ‘e-xpose’, intended for those of you who are considering to include Minneapolis, Minnesota in your future “See America” plans.
It started when I attended an event at Hollywood’s Museum of Broadcasting saluting “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”. The emcee, Gavin Mcleod, announced that all of the show’s original writers were present “except for Allen Burns, who, as you probably know, is so busy with the Minneapolis Project.”
There was a general murmur of approval from the audience, and I, puzzled, asked the sunglasses-wearing-indoors person next to me what the writer/producer was doing in Minneapolis.
“No, man, he’s not doing anything IN Minneapolis, he is DOING Minneapolis.”
And he went on to explain that the metropolitan area of Minneapolis/St. Paul was the totally fictional creation of Hollywood writers, devised to provide a location for the popular ’70s sitcom.
“Now wait a minute, I know there was a Minneapolis before that. Didn’t the Lakers basketball team start there?”
“Yeah, that’s where the name Minneapolis got started. It was some deal between the NBA and Hubert Humphrey Sr. to avoid admitting that the state didn’t have a single city with a population larger than 20,000. The MTM Show people picked up on that, and, of course, Allen Burns was the perfect guy to put in charge.”
“Why was that?”
“Hey, he did the same thing before when he wrote for ‘Bullwinkle’. You know… Frostbite Falls.”
My mind was reeling as he explained how, after the series ended, Burns was hired by the State of Minnesota to “produce” the city. Their most successful project was the “hometown entertainers project” which helped give breaks to performers in exchange for their claiming to be from Minneapolis.
“I mean, think about it, do you really think a character like Prince could have come from anywhere in the midwest?”
“Yeah, that one’s a stretch, but what about Garrison Keillor?”
“Oh, now that was genius. A perfect example of what magicians call misdirection. Everybody thinks Lake Wobegon is a fictional town…”
“It’s real?”
“Yep, just before the 1980 census, the state house passed a law re-allocating a percentage of the population in all the towns to go toward Minneapolis. Trouble was, a few of them lost enough numbers to fall off the map. Keillor picked one with a good name, and the rest is media hype history.”
“But his Prairie Home show…”
“Done in New York City from day one. I think he’s renting the Ed Sullivan theater on weekends these days…”
“And what about the Mall of America?”
“Oh, that’s for real, and another great bit of misdirection. I mean, after you’ve been in that mall, you just forget whether you’ve seen any
part of a real city…”
The story was amazing, but as I thought about it I realized, I knew people who moved to L.A. from rural Minnesota, but nobody from Minneapolis. Therefore, either it’s such a great place to live nobody ever moves away, or it really doesn’t exist!
I found the City of Minneapolis office in a North Hollywood strip mall, next to a “99-Cents Only Store”. The office manager refused to speak on the record, but declared that they had nothing to hide.
“We’re awfully busy right now trying to fix some problems with the population reallocation.”
“What kind of problems?”
“Well, somehow, it got Jesse Ventura elected governor.”
“I’d better let you get back to work.”
“Hey, at least we’re doing better than the Arkansas Project.”
The Arkansas Project?