Is A Part Of
Okay, a little late for Friday, and since most of the relevant story occurred a couple Fridays ago, VERY late. But there’s this guy on Twitter, Josh Cagan, who calls himself the Joey Bishop of Web 2.0, and is measurably funnier than I am in this web-based mass of semi-humanity, mostly because he picks his targets well, with 90% of his tweeting consisting of headlines that make good straight lines with his own punchlines added. The rimshots significantly outnumber the sad-trombones.
Examples? (Do I ever miss a chance to add somebody else’s funniness to my blog?)
International
Headline: “U.S. Shelves Plan For Office In Iran” Michael Al-Scott was extra bummed, as he bought an “Allah’s Best Boss” mug in anticipation.
Headline: “Ukraine President Says December Election ‘No Tragedy’” He added that “Epic Movie” is “No comedy,” and the Coens’ best film is “No Country.”
Headline: “French FM Says Israel Might ‘Eat’ Iran.” He went on to recommend Israel a light-bodied Beaujolais Nouveau to go with Iran.
Headline: “New Photos Of Kim Jong Il Raise Doubts” Someone noticed Jong Il was being propped up by Jonathan Silverman & Andrew McCarthy.
Medical and Scientifical
Headline: ‘Shock: Cannabis ‘Safer Than Alcohol And Cigarettes” You can read more on this study in ‘The Back of Some Dude’s Van Quarterly.’
Headline: “FDA: Low Amounts of Melamine Safe” So enjoy Melamine in treats like MelaM & M’s, Kraft MelaMac & Cheese, and MelaMalloMineMars.
Headline: “Food Rules: Labels Must Give Origin” So, like, avocados would be labeled “Chile,” and Yoo-Hoo would be labeled “River Styx.”
Headline: “LSD Cured My Headache” Now if I could do something about these radioactive clown bats driving ATV’s all over my skin, I’d be set.
Headline: “Disturbing Link: Oral Sex & Throat Cancer” So begins the report from the US Institute of My Ex-Girlfriend.
Ecological
Headline: “Ike May Have Dealt Blow to Endangered Turtles.” Suspicions arose when the turtles appeared paranoid, jumpy and way too talkative.
Headline: “Beetle Invasion Threatens New England Trees” And after that, Herman’s Termites invade with their hit, “I’m Into Something Wood.”
Headline: “Earth on Course for Eco ‘Crunch’” Which, along with eco-juice and eco-toast, is part of a well balanced eco-breakfast.
Pop-Cultural
Headline: ‘Mr. Clean Actor Dead At 92′ It took authorities hours to remove his body from the inside of the linoleum floor he called home.
Headline: “‘All My Children’ Actress Dies” She is survived by 6 ex-husbands, many swarthy lovers, her twin sister, and her evil twin sister.
Headline: “Maureen McCormick: ‘I Hit Rock Bottom’” “And I broke my nose! But mom always said don’t shoot speedballs in the house.”
Headline: “Is Pornography Adultery?” I’m not sure, but The Mrs. did sew a giant red letter “A” on my laptop. And I don’t mean my computer.
Headline: “Church Burns Old Porno Movies Found at Drive-In” It all started when a parishioner said that John Holmes was “Bigger than Jesus.”
Headline: “Court to Hear Identity Theft Case” The defense lawyer said, “My client, Mr. Courtney Cox, is innocent, or my name isn’t Cher.”
Economical and Businessical
Headline: “EBay to Cut 1,000 Jobs” Employees can wait 10d 5h 59m to see if they’re out of a job, or choose the “Fire Me Now” option.
Headline: “Bernanke Says Another Stimulus Plan May Be Warranted” But then his wife snorted, “Yeah, right,” rolled over and went to sleep.
Headline: “Playboy to cut 55 Workers” They were told, “You enjoy long walks on the beach, cleaning out your desk, and eating Ramen.”
Headline: “Wachovia Losses Largest Ever” Related: Wachovia changes name to “Wachyoass.”
Headline: “Greenspan Admits Mistakes” Then his balloon took off, and he yelled, “I can’t come back! I don’t know how it works! G’bye folks!”
Onionical
Headline: “Man Puts Wife up For Sale at Used Car Website” And to the highest bidder, he’ll throw in a set of jump-her cables.
Headline: “Priests Face ‘Sex Drive Tests’” They watch “Sex Drive,” and if they ask for the donut costume kid’s phone number, they fail.
Headline: “Vienna Tram Driver Sacked Over ‘Sieg Heil’ to Passengers” His bosses hated to do it, as he always kept the trams running on time.
Headline: “Drunk Tries To Hijack Turkish Airlines Jet.” Later it was found he had ties to international terror organization Al-Quoholic.
and, of course, Political
Headline: “Palin Accuses Obama of ‘Palling Around With Terrorists.’” As opposed to McCain, who, with Palin around, is terrified.
Headline: “Obama Plays Ball Control in Second Debate” McCain, on the other hand, played bowel control. How did he do? Depends.
Headline: “Third-Party Candidates Finally to Debate” This’ll help undecided voters choose between “Who The Hell?” and “Is That My Uncle?”
Headline: “John McCain Declares ‘Underdog’ Status” Afterward, Palin asked if that meant she had to declare “Sweet Polly Purebred” status.
Headline: “Biden: Obama Offers Women More Than McCain” And somewhere, Cindy McCain’s eyebrow arched, ever so slightly.
Headline: “Video Games Feature Ads for Obama” THAT’S why the ghosts chasing me in Pac Man were named Inky, Blinky, Palinky, and McClyde.
Headline: “Lobbyist Speaks Out, Denies Affair With McCain” Her full statement: “EWWW! You thought…Me…With HIM? EWWWW!”
And the one that really got my attention and made me want to grow up to be just like him…
Headline: “Alaska Inquiry Concludes Palin Abused Powers” That’s TERRIBLE! Powers is the middle Palin kid, right?
Yep, he’s here all week and he obviously enjoys the veal.
So, I tried my hand at writing punchlines to his punchlines…
Headline: “Man Nabbed With Frozen Shrimp in Pants” When cops asked why he did it, he said, “Because they were out of frozen scallops.” @wendelldotme: He had learned much from the time he was caught with live lobsters.
Headline: “G.M. and Chrysler Plan More Cutbacks” Cutbacks include replacing spare tire with actual donut, and new “Flinstone Brakes” option. @wendelldotme: After 10+ days, many Dunkin non-jelly Donuts are more durable than the standard spare tires in most GM models – Consumer Retorts
And then I discovered he was staging his own “Punchline Friday” contest on Twitter in which he invited others to respond to selected headlines and offered genuine fabulous prizes for the ones he judges best. Previous winners included…
“Palin and Biden Court Middle-Class.”
@nelking: Middle class says “We’re just not that into you and would like to stay friends”
and
“Palin Clears Self in Probe.”
@candrews9: Then Palin probes self in clearing. McCain’s camp blames faulty motherboard.
The next Friday I went batguanowacky when he posted the headline: “Palin Says God Blessed America With Oil and Gas”
@wendelldotme: At a loss why He blessed Iran and Saudia Arabia with even more.
So they have the wrong stuff in the baptism pools?
And cursed us with phone and cable.
Which is why there’s NO SMOKING in Church.
Failed to mention she was referring to Wesson Oil and Tear Gas.
That’s in the little-sung thirteenth verse of the Irving Berlin song.
Also the State of Florida, the world’s greatest geographic phallus.
…before He knew who was going to move there.
And after that burrito, I feel especially blessed.
…but incredibly had nothing to do with washing your windshield.
and…
Palin family gathers at drug store to praise Alli. (my absolute personal favorite that I considered a shoo-in)
Despite my attempts to drown out everything else, there were other entries, including:
@fraying: Sources Say Satan Responsible for Acne and Flatulence
@Krall: Apparently, God is a Taco Bell manager.
@nelking: He also blessed the US with Sun and Wind, but you can’t come up with a catchy rallying cry….just try it, you can’t do it!
@lathedj: Does that make Taco Bell like the Last Supper?
@Weirdbaby: Palin then added that God blessed America with babies, lipstick, dead wolves and other stuff you can’t find anywhere else.
Josh delcared “The WINNAH is @krall, with, “Apparently, God is a Taco Bell manager.” RUNNER-UP? Why not? It’s @wendelldotme for…Sheer volume and hubris.”
I responded “Oh boy! I got the Hubris Prize! That’s the same as Miss Congeniality, right?”
Yet, in spite of my twittered dismissal of a photo gallery of previous prizes as “raiding the clearance table of Archie McPhee’s”, he did send me a pretty cool runner-up prize
In response to my punchline overkill, he then instituted a “one entry per twitterer per week” limit, which I totally overlooked before the next competition:
“Palin Insists She is ‘Frugal’ Spender”
@wendelldotme: …believing that the “Frugal” is the currency of Russia.
So she scratched on her face a “B” for “Big Lots”.
and the one that I knew was in such bad taste it should’ve disqualified me for life but I still had to tweet…
Shows Proof By Helping The Frugal Gourmet Shop For Young Boys.
His choice of winner was @mulegirl: “Because a ‘Froogol’ is 15 followed by one hundred zeros, right?”
The contest continues next Friday with the first post-election edition here, and I will be there.
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