"Oldies But Baddies"

I blogged at length in 2006 about the flurry of “Worst Songs” lists popping up at the time, including a complete playlist of AOLRadio’s “111 Worst Songs of All Time” channel, which didn’t provide a listing, meaning I had to listen to the whole awful countdown! I promised at the time I’d blog more on the subject when I had recovered sufficiently from the ordeal, so now, three years later…

Actually, the reason I bring this up now is that there’s a new attempt to revive that painful trend, as somebody at Mahalo Answers (one of the more mutated parts of that mutant directory/aggregator/infopedia site) is offering Five Mahalo Dollars (which from the non-monetized site is probably comparable to Zimbabwe dollars) for the best answer to the question “What’s the worst popular rock song of all time?”

Some of the answerers have even found videos of their bad song choices and embedded them, making that thread a multi-media torture chamber. (And why should Bush Administration Lawyers be prosecuted for torture when “MacArthur Park” has been torturing millions of us for two generations?)

If you’d like a “safe” list without the possibility of the songs jumping out at you, here are the titles in contention as of 8PM PDT (with nominating continuing until 8PM tomorrow):

“Even the Nights Are Better” by Air Supply (from the question asker to provide an example)
“Bawitdaba” by Kid Rock (just the lyrics “up jump the boogie” make it a contender)
“We Built This City (On Rock & Roll)” by Starship (this turkey has received three separate nominations so far… and I’d like to hear Grace Slick’s acceptance speech if this wins)
“MacArthur Park” by Richard Harris OR Donna Summer (“Someone left the cake out in the rain” must be the stupidest 8-word phrase ever uttered in a song that had TWO hit versions)
“Longer Than” by Dan Fogelberg (who is not around any… longer)
“Dreamweaver” by Gary Wright (although his follow-up hit “Love Is Alive” is a solid slow-funk delight if you don’t pay too close attention to the lyrics)
“Rikki Don’t Lose That Number” by Steely Dan (Hate for The Dan? OH NO! But if I were to choose the group’s least wonderful hit song, that’s the one)
“Rock Me Tonite” by Billy Squier (a very solid contender for worst video performance – you are warned about that link)
“Knockin’ on Heavens Door” by Guns & Roses (high on the list of cover versions that should never have been recorded)
“Tiptoe through the Tulips” by Tiny Tim (may be too firmly in the ‘novelty’ category to fit here)
“Space Lord” by Monster Magnet (I hadn’t heard of this one before, now I’m sorry I have)
“Night to Remember” by Shalamar (a smooth groove to nowhere, but my choice for worst slow soul song is “Float On” by The Floaters. HELLO LARRY!)
“Push Th’ Little Daisies” by Ween (aw come on, they’re TRYING to be awful)
“All Through the Night” by Cyndi Lauper (not to be confused with THIS “All Through the Night” WITH MUPPETS)
“Never Gonna Give you Up” by Rick Astley (boy, how long has it been since I’ve heard THAT song?)
“Mmm Bop” by Hanson (kids singing aren’t always bad, but not before they’ve learned to speak real words)
“Last Resort” by Papa Roach (I’d give them some slack because they say it’s their last… they didn’t do anything after this, did they?)
“Muskrat Love” by the Captain & Tennille (please remember, this was originally released before anybody had been subjected to Furry Porn)
“I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred (extra points off for inspiring Ben Stiller’s “Zoolander” movie – didn’t it?)
“Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground (any song that has the verb “smell” in the refrain is gonna be a contender)
“Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice (totally ruined Bowie/Queen’s “Under Pressure” for me… also nominated was V-Ice’s “Scars”, not a hit I don’t think but just to prove he could do worse)
“Loving You” by Minnie Riperton (not really a song, just a demonstration of her ability to sing so high only dogs can hear her)
“The Final Countdown” by Europe (the archetype, apex and epitome of hard rock cliche-mongering)
“Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana (hey, everybody doesn’t like something, and this was one person’s nomination… but any song for which Weird Al’s parody was about the song itself, and not about food, TV shows, movies or words that sound like the title is in trouble – the only other thing I recall him treating that way was “Achy Breaky Heart”)
“Party All The Time” by Eddie Murphy (YOU’RE GUMBY, DAMMIT!)
“Heartbeat” by Don Johnson (I don’t know what he did sexually to Barbra Streisand to get access to the recording studio, but it was not worth it)
“Short People” by Randy Newman (Don’t you get it, man? It’s SARCASM! At least it was better use of sarcasm than “One Tin Soldier”. Go and hate your neightbor…)
“Come on Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners (which brought skiffle back to the pop carts for the first time since “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight”)
One single person has nominated “Drops of Jupiter” by Train, “Mr. Jones” by Counting Crows, “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” by Spin Doctors, “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton, and “Slide” OR “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls, basically summing up bad music of the ’90s in one swell foop.
“Louie Louie” by The Kingsmen (the nominations continue, but hey, me gotta go…)