Is A Part Of
Writing good headlines is hard. Some of my better writing elsewhere was hampered by the inability of both myself and my editors to come up with a sharp headline. (Two and a half years later, I still stop and try to think of something better whenever I see that one)
Funny headlines are another thing. Fark.com depends heavily on funny headline writing, but a normal read of the front page can be painful. So it’s nice to see that the Farkers have selected their Best Headlines of 2007 that can be taken in one easy-to-swallow dose. But be warned, it was the site’s members who voted on the “best”, and you know about their collective taste. (The Showbiz headlines, specifically, were Anna Nicole Smith-dominated, which is not a good thing, although the winner was tastelessly hilarious.)
So, I have gone through the runners-up to the runners-up so you don’t have to, and found the following gems.
From the beloved Puns & Wordplay category:
Couple buys monkey as pet, get upset when it dominates them and their dog. Marmoset knock you out.
Wife saves her hubby from croc that had its jaws around his head. Talk about a reptile dysfunction.
Russian cargo ship hauls snails to International Space Station. So really it’s more of an escargot ship.
Searchers think they have found a sunken WWII submarine in the Bering Sea, hope it doesn’t turn out to be an optical Aleutian.
In Sports:
Oakland A’s dump Milton Bradley. His play was far from Perfection, he couldn’t even Connect Four consecutive hits together, but that’s just how things go in The Game of Life.
Steve Yzerman’s No. 19 jersey retired by Red Wings, placed in the Scrabble hall of fame.
Jeff Gordon’s wife delivers baby girl in 16.9 seconds. Crew had some trouble with the left rear.
Non-Anna-Nicole Showbiz:
Columnist complains that many people online are spoiler-posting asshats. In other news, Rosebud is a sled, Snape kills Dumbledore, and Tony Soprano ends up getting
Music fans to compete in the World Air Guitar Championships, after which entrants will snort baking soda and make out with pretend groupies.
White House press room evacuated because of a suspicious-looking device, possibly a lie detector.
Bush to host Dalai Lama at White House. The two will not shake hands or embrace as is customary, out of concern they might cancel each other out.
CIA probes conduct of office that probes CIA conduct. Inspectors Mobius and Escher on the case.
President Bush lands at Miramar to tour fires, calls on Miramar leadership to stop cracking down on monks.
Study finds that British women, on average, have the largest breasts. The implications of this are clear: It’s possible to make a living performing scientific studies on women’s breasts.
Software for visually challenged chess players developed. Submitter’s against this, because he can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open forum.
And the Over-All (or Under-All) Top Headlines include:
Men would rather die than admit we have had a gay affair. They, I mean. They.
This story about gas prices says prices are “flirting with $3 a gallon.” Where submitter lives they stopped “flirting with $3″ months ago and have been giving it big sloppy blowjobs and buttsecks ever since.
Blind man reunited with missing seeing eye dog (as far as he knows).
British spy agency spied on George Orwell for decades after fearing what he thought and said was a danger to the state. If only there was a word to describe such a concept.
Chinese officials say bridge collapsed “like a blade slicing bean curd”. Technicians from the International Metaphor Standardization Agency have been dispatched to introduce them to hot knives and butter.
and my personal absolute Jay-Ward-loving favorite:
A confused moose thinks he’s a cow. Will Rocky find him before he’s shipped to the stockyard? Don’t miss our next episode: “Milk of Amnesia” or “It’s not just an udder day”.
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